MOM, CEO OF HOME, INC.
Welcome to The Small Jar, a podcast where we explore how to intentionally design the life that you want in the space between motherhood and the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins. Episode number 14.
Hello, friends. I want to start by dedicating this episode to my mom. She is an incredible woman, selfless and strong, humble and determined.
She is quite literally the strength and heart of my family, and I adore her. I had the honor of watching her defend her doctoral dissertation when I was in college, and I grew up watching her pursue two master's degrees while working full-time and raising a family of three children. She is quite literally superwoman.
And if you're listening to this podcast and you're a mom, you are also a superwoman. You may not believe this about yourself, but you are. One of my goals in starting Small Jar was to empower women to see just how much potential they have.
Throughout my life, I've known some pretty powerful women, but even those women who seem to have it all have days when they doubt themselves, when they feel overwhelmed or unable to take charge, overcome with negative emotion. They have days when they feel like they are faking it. Too often, I see women discounting their potential, not believing in themselves, sometimes not even considering that believing in themselves is an option.
And I see this in particular with those of us who are mothers. We wouldn't change being a mother for anything in the world, but being a mother has involved trade-offs. In many ways, it's not surprising that so few women are in executive leadership positions, although these statistics are improving for the better.
The position of CEO or the chief executive officer is the title of one of the top executives running a company. Just this year, as of March, the number of women who were CEOs of Fortune 500 companies is up to a staggering 74 out of 500. That's only 15% of women CEOs.
And what's even crazier is that last year, that percentage was only 8%. We're making progress, but we have a long way to go. We could likely agree that there are circumstances in the world that have historically made it more challenging for women to rise to top corporate leadership positions.
But what I want to focus on in this podcast is not everything that's wrong with the world, but rather I want to focus on our mindset as women and mothers and the way we think of ourselves and our potential. One day a few months ago, for some reason, I Googled the top traits of a CEO and I found an article in Inc.com describing the 10 personality traits successful CEOs share. As I read through the list, my very first thought was, these traits sound like they could be describing the 10 personality traits successful mothers share.
So here it is, my reframe. Moms are the CEO of Home Inc. Now I want to be clear, I'm not saying this to be cute or cheeky.
I certainly do not want to in any way come across as belittling stay at home moms. In fact, I believe that being a stay at home mom is a full time or more than full time job for which we are not paid. I want to take this concept even further though.
Although I'm sure we as mothers could all agree that raising a family is important work. We sometimes tend to discount the work in our minds because it's not quote unquote professional. Like being a mom involves unprofessional jobs like folding laundry, driving kids around, checking up on homework, and generally making sure our children are safe and successful and our homes are organized, well stocked and clean.
When we look at the tasks we do on a daily basis, they don't seem to line up with accomplishments that we could put on a resume to present to future employers. And this applies equally to women who are working and come home to their second job as mothers and caregivers in the home. So I want to invite you to suspend any preconceptions you might have about motherhood being unprofessional and go with me for a bit.
Here's how the Inc article starts. Becoming a CEO takes hard work and dedication. It isn't for the faint of heart.
I could literally just as easily say, being a mother takes hard work and dedication. It isn't for the faint of heart. We could even say becoming a mother isn't for the faint of heart.
Are you with me so far? Then let's keep going with the article. Here are the 10 traits of effective CEOs or moms. Number one, an ability to learn from the past.
A CEO must have the ability to learn from past experiences and instill lessons for the future. This feels like what we do all day long as moms. I know I have a long list of experiences that I had either when I was young or I read about in the paper or online.
And I'm constantly reminding my boys to look out for danger and learn from these mistakes. For example, I know I lied to my parents in high school. And so I've learned to be on the lookout for lies my boys might tell that could have serious repercussions.
We want to keep our kids free from mistakes we've made or that we see happening in the world. And we also want to pass on our knowledge that we think will make their lives just a little bit easier. We're also constantly helping our children, our team, learn from their experiences so that they can succeed in the future.
When they do poorly on a test, we want to help them learn how to study more successfully in the future. If they get in trouble, we want to help them really understand what they did wrong and why it's a problem so that they can learn the lesson for the next time. The Inc.
article explains that a key part of a CEO's ability to learn from the past is the skill of designing an effective crisis management system based on lessons we learn from past mistakes. As a simple example, as soon as we saw our toddlers start to hurt themselves when they bumped against the coffee table, we installed those ugly bumpers. As they got older, if we saw they were having trouble with homework, we brainstormed about how to support them.
We might check their work more often or hire a tutor. If our children ever show signs of illness or any type of duress, we immediately diagnose the problem and start looking for solutions. As moms, we are on high alert to keep our children safe and successful, and we are constantly learning and recalibrating as they grow up to adjust to their changing needs and challenges.
We are constantly learning from our experiences and taking these lessons into account as we try to improve how we show up for our children every single day. Trait number one of being a successful CEO clearly applies to moms as well. Here's trait number two.
Successful CEOs and moms have strong communication skills. The article shares that a CEO must communicate effectively to boost morale, motivate her team to complete projects in a timely manner, and share what they need, from whom, when they need it by, and how things should be done. When reading this one, for some reason I have an image of encouraging my boys to get their shoes on so that we could get in the car and get to school.
Somehow, without fail, my kids would only start to think about putting on their shoes five minutes after we were supposed to leave. As a mom, we are constantly trying to strike the right balance between encouraging and nagging when we want our kids to get things done, whether it be homework, chores, studying for a test, paying bills, following up with people, or just getting ready to leave the house. As moms, we are cheerleaders, we are coaches and timekeepers, accountability partners, and to play all of these roles effectively, we need to find a way to communicate to our team so that our messages get across.
This is a fine art, to say the least. Through trial and error, we try everything from asking politely to being more direct, then the tried and true, yelling and bribing. One thing I will say for us as moms, we are so dedicated to communicating effectively that we are willing to fail over and over and over again, always trying new strategies until we get our message across.
Even when we're not effective, I say we get an A for effort on this one. Trait number three, successful CEOs and moms build relationships. I mean, come on, this is a mom's top priority.
From the moment we conceive our child, we begin building a relationship with them. And as they get older, the task of nurturing your relationship changes. We could cuddle our toddlers, and before we know it, we have sulky teens who keep their doors closed all the time.
When they leave to go to college and start their lives independent from us, we enter a whole new phase of relationship building. We are constantly rebuilding and redefining our relationship with our children. And throughout our children's lives, we also try to help them build relationships with others.
We scheduled play dates when the kids were too young to do anything but sit next to each other and parallel play. We committed to thousands of hours of driving our kids around to their friends' houses or to the movies. We help and support our kids as they build relationships with teachers, coaches, mentors, babysitters, other family members, college counselors, employers, boyfriends, girlfriends, the list goes on and on.
Somehow we as mothers are always waiting in the wings to help our children nurture these relationships. Trait number four, successful CEOs and moms exhibit realistic optimism. This is funny.
In the article, the author suggests that a CEO should be confident but not arrogant about their skills and what they offer their employees. Applying this to motherhood, I wish we could all be confident as mothers all of the time. We deserve to be.
Maybe we even deserve to be a little arrogant, at least in our own minds. I mean, come on, where would they literally be without us? The author defines realistic optimism as the ability to remain aware of and confront challenges while still being confident enough to strive to reach audacious goals. This sentence couldn't encapsulate motherhood better.
We all see the best in our children. We, probably more than anyone else in the world, see our child's potential. We believe in them more than anyone else, certainly more than they often believe in themselves, particularly in their teens and young adult life.
We believe they can be whoever they want to be. We are endlessly optimistic for our children and their future. But we are also realistic in that we know our children's strengths and weaknesses.
We understand the challenges they may face. Our optimism for their future includes a deep understanding of all of the hurdles that might stand in their way, and we believe the best is possible for them. We probably believe in our children more than we have ever believed in anyone or anything in our lives.
We want to help them set and achieve audacious goals. And yet, the choice about how they live their lives is up to them. Successful moms are realistic about how much power they have to direct their child's future.
Realistic optimism. Trait number five, successful CEOs and moms exhibit understanding. I feel like all I do with my kids is try to understand.
When they were infants, I would be desperate to figure out why they were crying. Hungry? Need a diaper change? This practice has never stopped. As our kids grow up, we witness them experiencing every emotion in the spectrum of emotion, and we try to understand.
We want to know what's wrong, how to help. When they were young, we could more easily fix their problems, but the older they get, the harder that is to do. Part of understanding is knowing when to step in as a mom to help and when to let our children figure out challenges on their own.
Trait number six, successful CEOs and moms have excellent listening skills. The article says top executives are distinguished by the consistency with which they listen to and actively seek out ideas and opinions of others. When a CEO can listen to and seek the ideas of trusted individuals, the team and company is more likely to be successful.
When we are at our best as moms, we listen. We can't help but observe our kids' lives and interpret what they do based on our own lens. But when we are able to drop our own narrative long enough to really hear what our child is trying to tell us, we get to really understand who our children are and respect that they are growing into independent adults whose perspective matters.
Some of the most difficult arguments I have had with my teen children have been caused in large part because I wasn't listening. I find when I stop long enough to really absorb what my kids are saying to me, both in words and action, I become so much more compassionate and at ease. I'm able to trust even if I don't entirely agree.
My kids are no longer children and listening allows me to observe the beauty of their transformation into adults. Trait number seven, effective CEOs and moms are willing to take calculated risks. In the business world, taking risks is often the only way to be successful.
You have to be willing to try and fail as many times as it takes to build a business. This is not so easy to do as a mom. In fact, we're often very risk averse as moms.
We typically want to do everything but allow our children to fail, but we have to be willing to let go long enough to allow our children to fail sometimes. They need to learn from their mistakes. Deciding when to step back and let your child experience disappointment and failure involves taking a calculated risk.
We hope that the failure won't be too great. We hope that they will learn from their mistakes and bounce back quickly, but we can't be sure and we can't make them learn from their mistakes. That's their work, but we can teach them not to be afraid of failure.
Otherwise, we risk teaching them to play small, not take risks, not dream big. As a mom, finding the right balance, taking the calculated risk of allowing your children to fail without swooping in to save them, this can't come from fear. It has to come from trust, our trust that they will figure it out in their own way and in doing so will build resilience that will carry them through whatever ups and downs they face in their lives.
Trait number eight, successful CEOs and moms read people and adapt. I think this falls along the lines of understanding, listening, learning from mistakes. We are constantly reading our children, our loved ones and adapting and we do this as mothers almost to a fault.
In fact, we are so good at reading our family and trying to adapt to their needs that we sometimes forget to elevate our own needs on the list of priorities. Trait number nine, successful CEOs and moms coach their employees or their team effectively. As I mentioned before, moms are cheerleaders and champions of their children.
We do everything in our power to give our children the tools they need to be successful. I don't think this one needs any further justification or explanation. We are coaches, we are cheerleaders, we would do anything to help our children succeed.
Finally, trait number 10, successful CEOs and moms think outside the box. Here's what the article says about why this is important for CEOs. While it may seem like an obvious fact, the market changes with the times.
It's important to think outside the box because sometimes there are better ways to achieve business goals. Sometimes the same tried and true methods don't always work. Here's how I would apply this to motherhood.
It is an obvious fact that our children change. They grow up and that means they are constantly changing who they are and what they need and so the same tried and true methods that worked a few years ago or sometimes even a few months ago no longer work. Sometimes there are better ways to achieve the goals we have as mothers.
One of the ways I would describe coaching is taking a step back from the lens with which you see the world and understanding the difference between the facts of our circumstances and our interpretation of those circumstances. It's these narratives in our mind that fuel how we feel. We often blame the circumstances but one of the powers of coaching is that it helps you take power back in your emotional life because you get to observe which stories might be bringing you pain or keeping you from creating the results you want in your life.
So you could even say that coaching is thinking outside of the box that we put ourselves in when we believe our own stories. Let me give you an example. A mom sees her daughter dating someone who she believes is all wrong.
There are a long list of issues she sees with this boyfriend but her daughter is head over heels in love. It's her first love but her mother worries that this relationship will last, that her daughter will be settling and that there will be long-term consequences to this relationship. It makes the mom feel extremely worried and anxious.
Fueled by fear and worry this mom probably doesn't show up for her daughter in the best way all the time. And if you've been in this situation you know that all of the worry we have for our children in their relationships have absolutely no impact on their relationship. In other words you almost never hear your child say, oh mom you don't like him? Then I'll break up with him right away.
At least not while they're in their teens and 20s and not until it's their idea. So the point of the story is we can find ourselves stuck in worry about the implication of our children's actions and choices. We are literally stuck in a box of our own thoughts about the worst that can happen.
Worry feels important because we think if we can just convince them to change their minds everything will be okay. But the worry almost never fixes the situation or gets them to change their mind. We find ourselves stuck in a box in so many ways when it comes to our children's lives.
Our box includes our perception about how we think they should apply themselves at school, how many friends they should have, what they should do with their spare time, the jobs they take. The list goes on and on and continues as our children enter their 20s, 30s and honestly beyond. So what if we could think outside the box as moms? What would it look like to realize the lens you use to decide what you want for your child may be keeping you from seeing other alternatives, other ways to achieve your goals? And at the end of the day whose goals are they? Are we willing to let go of our goals for a moment to invite our children to think outside the box, to welcome their alternative point of view, their different approaches to life? This is the beauty of coaching and if it's something you want to learn more about I encourage you to reach out to me.
I'm willing to bet that many of the 10 traits that successful CEOs and moms share are traits you practice regularly. Learning from the past, communicating effectively, relationship building, realistic optimism, understanding, listening, being willing to let your children fail sometimes, the ability to adapt, being a coach. And this one might be new, thinking outside of the box, being open to a new perspective and recognizing that our way of looking at the world may be holding us back from something even more powerful, an even stronger relationship with our children for example.
All these skills that both moms and CEOs share, the heads of powerful companies share, and we question our qualifications as moms. We don't consider that these skills make us professionals. By the way, synonyms for professional include expert, skilled, practiced, qualified, proficient.
Add to this mix loving, unconditional, loyal, dedicated, and unwavering. That's a pretty powerful combination. So don't you dare tell yourself you are not a superwoman.
We may not always be perfect mothers, but we will absolutely keep trying and failing and showing up and not giving up for our children. That's the kind of person I would want to hire to lead my company. Happy Mother's Day, superwoman.
Thanks for listening to The Small Jar Podcast. Please visit us at www.thesmalljar.com. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Small Jar Coach, and subscribe to this podcast. Remember, you are the author of your story.
