WHEN YOUR BEST ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH
Welcome to The Small Jar, a podcast where we explore how to intentionally design the life that you want in the space between motherhood and the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins. Episode number 16.
Hello, friends. Life is a bit of a roller coaster, isn't it? There are times in life when everything seems to be swimming in the right direction. Kids are happy and doing what they should be doing.
We feel like we're on top of our responsibilities. We know what we need to do, and for the most part, things get done. We make progress.
We're able to keep perspective and focus on what's important. We feel happy, content, and grateful. And then there are the other times.
Have you ever found yourself saying, I am literally doing the best I can, and it's not enough? We're trying our best. We have the best intentions. We think we've done everything we could have done, that we made the best decisions we could, that we thought we were doing the right thing.
We care deeply about the outcome, and yet we get blindsided with someone telling us we're doing it wrong, that we disappointed them, made a mistake, let them down, that they're angry and frustrated with us. They say and do all sorts of things that make it clear they're not happy, and it's our fault. It's the worst.
There are a lot of feelings that can come up for us in these moments. Anger, guilt, frustration, shame, resentment, defensiveness. None of these feel good, and they almost always relate to us wishing that something was different, that things would have gone differently in the past.
And at that point, there's really nothing you can do about it. There's no taking back the past. And what's even worse, and I hear this so often from other mothers, the worst part is that at the time, we did exactly what we thought we should have done, or we tried.
We tried to show up in exactly the way we wanted to show up, and it wasn't good enough, or it was interpreted by someone else as not enough or wrong. Let's start with intentions. What exactly are we trying to accomplish in life? When we're raising our kids, for example, we want them to grow up into responsible, happy, successful adults.
But as we're doing this, what actually is in it for us? I want to explore this for a moment because it's something we take so for granted. What is in it for us if we're able to raise kids who are responsible, happy, and successful adults? When it comes down to it, if we can know that our kids are happy and successful, we get to feel a certain kind of emotion, maybe pride, happiness, a feeling of accomplishment, peace. We could know that we did a good job as parents.
What's in it for us is that we would feel a series of positive emotions. You can look at anything in your life this way. The only reason we do anything is because we think it will make us feel a certain kind of way.
Seriously, let me share a few examples. We take care of our kids, we support and challenge them, we encourage them, and we ultimately do all of this because we think that if they are happy, we'll be happy. And while we want to think that we are altruistically doing the right thing by facilitating our children's happiness, we can't actually feel our children's happiness.
We feel our own happiness when we see our children are happy. We work because we want to earn money, and that income will make us feel secure, stable. It will allow us to afford the things we want in life, which will make us feel happy and fulfilled, potentially.
Maybe the job itself will make us feel accomplished and purposeful. We nurture relationships with friends in our community because these relationships will make us feel connected and happy. So we have this unconscious perception about how we think things will make us feel, and this unconscious perception actually drives quite a bit of what we do without us realizing it.
We don't think about our actions as driven by motives. We take care of our children because it's our responsibility and we love them, but there is something in it for us. We get to feel the purpose of taking care of our family and the associated pride and joy when we see them thriving.
There's absolutely nothing wrong that we have this unconscious motivation, but for the sake of this discussion, I want to point out that this motivation to feel our own pride and happiness is there. We also can be motivated by not wanting to feel certain emotions. Continuing with the example of our kids, if we didn't take care of them, we would feel guilty, ashamed, purposeless, awful.
We would potentially feel some negative consequence of not doing this thing too, and that's also a motivator. We don't want to feel guilty and ashamed. We don't want to slack off in our job because that would make us feel guilty, lazy, unhelpful, unprofessional.
We don't want to let our friends down because that could make us feel disconnected, like a bad friend, unsupportive. We have this view of our lives and our responsibilities. Think of it like a bowling lane.
We have this goal of what we want to feel once we accomplish a thing. So think of that as knocking down the pins, and along the way the sides of the bowling lane keep the ball moving in the right direction because the bumpers alongside the lane represent all of the things we don't want to feel guilty, ashamed, angry, frustrated. But we do feel these things every day, notwithstanding our very best efforts and intentions.
I want to take you through a few examples of this so that we can begin to unpack for ourselves why it feels so awful and disempowering. We talked in the last episode about powerlessness, largely in the context of worrying about our children's future or the consequences of our children's actions in the future. But today I'm exploring feelings of powerlessness related to things that have already happened or are happening in the moment.
It's so common for us to feel angry, frustrated, guilty, misunderstood, or even ashamed. These emotions can feel overwhelming and leave us feeling powerless because we can't change the past or change people's minds right away. So we are in turn powerless to feel better.
We often know that with feelings of sadness or grief that the only way to feel better is to work through these emotions, that you have to process this pain to feel better. In the case of grief, you know that you need to process that emotion and that there's no other way to feel when you lose someone you love. It's painful but you don't judge yourself for feeling grief because although we don't like to think about grief if we're not experiencing it, when we lose someone we know there's no other way to feel.
We will feel grief. When it comes to these other emotions, anger, frustration, guilt, shame, we just want them to go away. We don't really want to have to process them.
They're just awful and so we want to fix them. Later on top of that, on default, we typically react to these emotions in a way that makes us feel even worse. We react to anger and frustration by yelling or retaliating, being passive-aggressive or manipulative.
We react to guilt and shame by beating ourselves up or getting defensive, going on the counter-attack. In almost all of these cases, we're blaming ourselves and we're typically blaming someone else too. It's a hot mess of negative emotion.
We don't want to feel it. So how do we feel better? How can we fix it? Let's go through some examples to look at how we typically try to feel better and why this typically doesn't work. So example one, you're planning a big event.
Maybe it's a wedding, it could be an event you're planning for work or a big fundraiser for your kid's school or a non-profit organization. No matter your role, mother of the bride or groom, gala or auction chair, or maybe it's an event for your job, we can probably all agree that these types of events have a lot of moving parts and a lot of people to wrangle. There are RSVPs to manage, seating arrangements, vendors, the weather, how people feel about the dress code, so many moving parts.
And we're typically trying to create some result, whether it be the perfect wedding day for our child, a successful financial outcome, or just an increased opportunity for engaging our guests. We have a goal to achieve, and when we achieve the goal, we imagine we'll feel happy and successful, maybe proud, most definitely relieved. So that's what we're going for.
We want to feel happy and successful at the end of all of this. If we didn't think that would be the outcome, why bother doing any of it? But here's the problem. When it comes to these events, our vision of success may be highly dependent on circumstances entirely out of our control, namely other people.
We can do everything in our power up to a certain point, but the rest, what other people do, whether or not it rains, if the vendors show up or do what you thought they were going to do, totally out of your control. Intellectually, we all know this is true. However, when we're in the thick of a big event, when we're focused on this successful outcome and something goes wrong, something that we can't control, we will eight or nine times out of 10 feel angry and frustrated.
I imagine the Buddha, Byron Keating, and maybe a small handful of other enlightened beings might feel absolutely no anger. But many of us in the midst of an important event, it means a lot to us when we've been working hard and giving it our all. When something's going wrong, we are most likely going to feel some negative emotion, anger, frustration, maybe disappointment.
And whether we realize it or not, these feelings are the result of us thinking that it should be different. Now it would be hard enough if it were just our own frustration and disappointment we had to deal with, but other people will express their own frustration and anger at us if we look like we're in charge. Have you ever noticed this with events? People don't RSVP.
They just don't. I myself am guilty of not RSVPing, so I can't even claim to be above this. People will frequently tell you at the last minute that they can come or they can't come.
And inevitably, the late RSVPers will be the pickiest about what meal they get or where they are seated. It's almost comical how often this is true. There are all sorts of things that can go wrong with the event.
Vendors can cancel. People can complain about the food options or the quality of the liquor, that you're not offering liquor or the right variety of wines. Maybe you ask people to be vaccinated or test for COVID before the event.
This is in the 2020 category of new event complications. The bottom line is no matter how hard you try, people will complain when things go wrong or if they don't go according to how they want them to go, even if they're just a guest at the party. And so here you are doing the best you can, trying to put together a fantastic event.
And there's so many variables and things that can go wrong. And you also have to deal with other people's thoughts and feelings about what's wrong or not good enough. You feel like you're doing the best you can, and it's not good enough for you.
And people make it very clear it's not good enough for them. Okay, scenario number two. You make a presentation at work or to a nonprofit board or a volunteer group with which you're associated.
You present an idea that you're really excited about, and you're met with opposition. They don't think it's a good idea. They don't want to have to take this project on, or they question all of your assumptions.
They think you're way off base. Here you are. You've invested a lot of thought and energy into your presentation and developing this idea.
You're taken completely off guard with how negatively other people are reacting to what you're saying. You feel your effort is unappreciated, and you think the other people are unreasonable in their reactions. Here you thought you were going to feel proud, and you would be moving your idea forward.
And now you feel frustrated and stuck. The only way it seems to feel better is to change other people's minds. And that doesn't seem likely.
Scenario three. We raise our children the best way we can. We raise them with rules.
We tell them about the dangers waiting for them in the world. We want to believe that they will always make the right choices, even when we know that they will sometimes test the boundaries and make mistakes. If we can believe that our children will be reasonably safe and responsible, we can feel a sense of peace.
They're safe and responsible, so we get to feel safe at peace, trusting. But what happens when they make a mistake that has significant repercussions? We'd like to think kids get second chances, but there are some mistakes that aren't so easily repaired. Getting caught for cheating on a test, getting in a major fight at school, getting caught with drugs, getting pregnant, overdosing, driving under the influence, getting arrested.
There are shades of gray to all of this. And sometimes kids do get lucky and learn from their mistakes. But when you as a parent are in the midst of these struggles with your child, it's hard not to want it all to be different.
You might blame your child for making the wrong choices, but we also often blame ourselves too. Here we did everything we thought we should be doing. We were trying to raise responsible kids who would limit their risks and keep themselves safe.
And whatever we did, it wasn't enough. We hope and pray that we can somehow make it right, but we can't erase the past. Other parents may even blame us.
The school might suggest it's our fault. We're not alone in casting blame. Once again, we can't change the past, and we can't change other people's reactions to what has happened.
We're powerless to feel better. Last scenario, and this one I feel is pretty universal. Whether we like it or not, as we approach parenthood with our kids, we're always trying to do our best, and yet we make mistakes.
We don't show up in the way we wanted. Maybe we lost our temper or said something we shouldn't have said, or we did what we thought was the right thing in the moment, but in retrospect, it was the wrong call. We can't help but judge ourselves.
Think about how we did it wrong. Once again, we can't fix the past, so we're powerless. So many examples of times in our lives when we are really trying our best.
We care deeply about the result for other people and for ourselves. We want our children to be happy and thriving. We want the organizations in which we invest our time to thrive and also appreciate our efforts.
We want to feel that our effort has a purpose, that all of the time and love and attention we give to the things in our lives has meaning. It's almost crazy how often we can feel at the effect of how other people interpret our actions or at the effect of circumstances entirely out of our control, and even at the effect of our own judgments of how we should have known better or foreseen every foreseeable outcome, prevented the worst, or held ourselves together better. So how do we typically react in these situations? People are angry at us and tell us what's wrong, why it's our fault, or there's a result that we didn't want, whether it's an event mishap, an issue with our kids' behavior, or an issue with our own behavior.
Let's mark all of these scenarios as circumstances out of our control. One, people say words like, you are wrong, or this is not good enough, this is a bad idea, I don't like this. They actually say these words to you.
Or two, our child gets in trouble, does a specific thing, whatever that action or inaction is, and this thing has consequences. Or three, we say or do something, maybe yell or say words that we feel have consequences. I'm trying to describe these circumstances in a neutral way because I want to show you that in each case it's not these circumstances that are the problem, it's what we're making them mean that is the problem.
In the first case, people may actually say the words, you are wrong, or it's your fault. When this happens, we typically have one of two thoughts. We either think, you know, you are wrong, and this is ridiculous, look how hard I've been working, you don't appreciate all of this effort.
The subtext is, it's not my fault, it's your fault. We typically in these moments feel defensive or angry and frustrated. The other way we can react is that we might think, you're right, it is my fault, I don't want you to be angry.
Again, we feel defensive, maybe guilty and frustrated. People say words and we react by taking it out on ourselves and maybe also them because of what we are making those words mean. In the scenario where our child does something that has consequences, what do we make that mean? Typically, we make it mean that it's our fault, that there was something we should have done differently.
When we think that we are to blame, we of course feel guilty and maybe even ashamed. We react by beating ourselves up, questioning whether we're good parents, thinking about all of the ways we wish we could change the past. And finally, there's the scenario where we say or do something and we think that it was wrong, we shouldn't have said it or done it.
I want to make a distinction here. We said words, we did a and we make it mean we are wrong or bad. We feel regret, disappointment, shame, we apologize, but we also don't let it go.
We beat ourselves up, can't stop thinking about it, let it color the rest of our day or week. Dr. Brene Brown made a distinction between guilt and shame. She offered that guilt is when we do something bad.
Shame is when we are bad. How often have you allowed yourself to feel shame that you actually think you are bad? For example, that I'm a bad parent, rather than just even thinking that you might have done something quote-unquote bad. So these things happen and we feel a range of negative emotion from frustration and even anger to disappointment and guilt, maybe shame.
And on top of all of this, we feel powerless to change the past or change how other people feel. It can feel so overwhelming. We were trying so hard and here we are experiencing the exact opposite of what we wanted to experience.
There are so many ways that the past haunts us and most significantly colors our current moment, our experience in the now. Think about it, everything that has ever happened 10 years ago, six months ago, two minutes ago, every single thing, even the words I have literally just said, it's all in the past, all of it. The only part of the past that exists for us right now is our own perception or thoughts about the past.
Eckhart Tolle has said, All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and a denial of the present. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past and not enough presence. So here we are in the present moment feeling guilty, frustrated, ashamed, all of because what we are making the past mean.
It's not what other people say or what other people do. It's not even what we have done that makes us feel awful. It's what we are making the past mean.
I did my best and it's not good enough. Subtext, I should have done more. I really tried but they're still angry.
Subtext, I should have tried harder. I did everything I could but they still got in trouble. Subtext, I should have been able to protect them, keep them from making this mistake.
I wanted to show up differently but I lost control. Subtext, I should have been better, should have shown up better. Listen to this subtle underlying BS we tell ourselves in these moments.
I should have done more, tried harder, been able to keep them from getting in trouble, been a better person. Yikes. Might as well say I should have been perfect and been able to predict the future.
I've offered a bunch of examples and I'm hoping that one might resonate with you. We don't even realize all of the insidious ways our brains tell us we're not good enough, that we expect ourselves to be perfect. We have literally been going above and beyond, doing everything conceivable in our power to avoid the tsunami of regret, guilt, frustration, and disappointment.
But here we are feeling guilty, frustrated, even ashamed. So if we can't change the past, how can we feel better? Here's what I recommend. Take a step back and separate out the literal facts of the situation.
What the person said, what your child did, what you did. No adjectives, no embellishments, just the facts. These are the circumstances.
Now ask yourself, what are you making these circumstances mean about you? How are you making it mean you're not good enough? That you should have done more or should have been better? How are you making it mean you failed? Now understand this, what you are making the situation mean, it is a choice. It's your interpretation. You don't have to change your mind.
If you want to decide that you should have done more or that you were wrong, you get to decide whatever you want. But know that you get to interpret the situation how you want to. Someone is angry, it doesn't have to mean you are wrong.
Someone tells you that you are wrong, you don't have to agree with them. You also don't have to change their mind about whether you're wrong. You or your child do something.
Even if you can't change your mind about it being wrong, can you find compassion instead of blame? Can you focus on the lesson rather than dwelling on the past? When things go wrong, you get to decide what you want to make them mean. You can't change the past, but beating yourself up about it doesn't move you forward. Deciding you didn't do enough or that you did it wrong doesn't fix it.
Staying in this place of self-blame and frustration keeps you stuck in the past. In every moment, you have an opportunity to ask yourself, now what? What's done is done. I can't change the past.
I can't change how other people think or what they do, but I can decide how I want to show up in the present moment. And maybe you can decide for yourself that all of it is good enough. Until next time, friends.
Thanks for listening to The Small Jar Podcast. Please visit us at www.thesmalljar.com, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at smalljarcoach, and subscribe to this podcast. Remember, you are the author of your story.
