EARLY DECISION ANXIETY
Welcome to The Small Jar, a podcast where we explore how to intentionally design the life that you want in the space between motherhood and the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins. Episode number 28.
Hello, my friends. So if you're listening to this, I would imagine that you have a senior in high school or maybe a junior or a sophomore, and you're looking ahead to the dreaded college process. Whether your child's application deadline is a few days from now or a few weeks or months from now, or even a few years from now, even if it's already passed, I want to send you a little love as a parent, because this process is not easy.
Let's start with the fact that all of the rules have changed since we applied to college. Or if you didn't go to college, you are entering the scene at a time when the rules have changed dramatically, even over the past few years. Whether or not colleges look at test scores, how and when they accept applications, there's early decision, early action, restricted early action, early decision two, regular decision, binding or non-binding.
It is literally enough to make your head spin. The common application has streamlined the process somewhat, but every college seems to have its own set of supplements. And of course, many colleges don't accept the common application.
So there's an entirely different process for them. You may have agonized over watching your child prepare for the ACT or the SAT over and over only to decide not to submit their test scores. Many colleges don't require you to have physically visited their campus anymore to demonstrate interest, but then they also require a supplemental essay about why this college.
Then there's the, what do you want to major in supplements? Or what do you want to do when you grow up? I can imagine that colleges are really just looking to see how kids approach the question, but for a 17 year old to commit to what they want to major in, no less what they want to be when they grow up, it feels like a huge leap. I'm 50 years old and sometimes I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. It is a ton of pressure to put on these kids.
Even deciding where to apply, big school, small school, rural, suburban, city school, East Coast, West Coast, far from home, close to home, private, public, and the cost. The cost of college is astronomical. The process of applying for financial aid is daunting.
The prospect of having debt after college. Look, if you're in the midst of this process or even looking ahead, I don't mean to scare you. And I'm probably not telling you anything you don't already know.
It's stressful. In addition to the overall stress and complexity of the process itself, there are a number of other factors that can be at play, which makes this period of time excruciating for us as moms, but also for our kids. Let's start with our kids.
While they may have been subjected to some amount of scrutiny in their lives up to this point, for example, if they tried out for a sports team or ran for student class council, or maybe tried out for a play, there may have been times when our children have been disappointed, not having achieved what they hoped they could achieve. But few of these experiences have likely held anywhere near the same amount of weight as applying to college. Again, these 17 or 18 year old kids, still children in many ways, these kids are being asked to lay all of their accomplishments out in an application, which will be scrutinized by this anonymous group of admissions officers who will provide a verdict that conveys acceptance or rejection or a state of limbo, neither rejected nor accepted, but sitting on an interminable wait list with no guarantees of admission.
When is the last time you've put yourself in the firing line of this level of scrutiny? Maybe you applied to jobs and not been hired, or you've applied to grad school or certification programs. Maybe you've been passed over for awards or recognition. Some of these experiences may have been very challenging at the time, but I wonder if even in those moments, you felt like your whole world was resting on the outcome of the decision.
Because it's almost like that's what getting into college feels like, that the weight of the world or the trajectory of our children's lives are somehow dependent on acceptance to college. And more specifically for some of us, a short list of ridiculously competitive colleges with single digit acceptance rates. It's really interesting to see statistics about the number of students going to college and that it's actually been declining since 2010.
There are 3.3 million fewer young people going to college this year. That's a 17% decline since 2011. And yet the number of applications to college has skyrocketed.
We all perceive the process to be so much more competitive. And so students are applying to that many more colleges every year. Look, I'm not a college admissions expert by any means.
My intent here is to lay the groundwork of some of the reasons why this process is so stressful. The process is complicated and competitive and our children are in the crosshairs. The weight of the world or said another way, the weight to receive that golden ticket of college admissions, it weighs heavily on our kids.
The circumstances of this process being what they are, again facts like college admissions rates or number of supplements required, rules around admissions, deadlines and whether admissions are binding. These are facts that exist in the world. The way we feel about these facts is very individual.
There's no right or wrong way. But what's important to consider is that the way we feel about the process, the way our kids feel about the process, the way other parents in our kids' school feel about the process, all of us approach these facts with our own lens. And that lens dictates how we feel and therefore how we show up.
It's valuable to take a step back and acknowledge this concept of differing lenses, different perspectives, particularly as we navigate this process with our own children. Our sons or daughters could look at the facts about the college process and think, for example, I need to prioritize these applications and do my best. I'm willing to seek out any help that's available.
If your son and daughter thought something like this, they might feel focused, open to feedback. They might feel empowered. When they feel this way, they get to work.
They ask for help. They do what they need to do to submit their applications. On the other hand, our kids might be thinking this process is going to be a huge pain, and I have no idea if I'm going to be successful.
If a child thinks this, in contrast, they might feel disempowered, reluctant, already unsuccessful. And then they show up with procrastination. They might say the process is unfair or stupid.
They might overthink components of their essays. These are by no means the only scenarios. Our kids could be focused but not want any help.
They could be completely stressed out and overwhelmed. They could be petrified to be leaving home. They could be focused on whether boyfriend or girlfriend is going to school.
None of these perspectives are right or wrong. It's simply the lens through which our children view the college process. And this lens makes them feel a certain way about the process.
And the way they feel contributes to how they show up. Now add to this, our kids may or may not be entirely open with us about how they're feeling. Some kids at this age want to keep the way they feel to themselves.
And so as parents, we're left observing their behavior without a clear understanding of what's driving them to do what they're doing or not doing. So the most important guidance I can give you is to know that the way they are showing up is directly correlated to how they're interpreting the process for themselves. They're taking it all in, the facts, the details about the process, and maybe even the way we are showing up.
They're interpreting all of this into their own version of reality. This isn't to say their version is wrong or even right. It's just what's true for them.
And then there's our story. As we navigate this process with our kids, we have our own lens. It has to do with our own experiences and perceptions about what success looks like, what we hope for our kids, what we think our kids would be most happy doing.
Maybe we want them to be close to home. Maybe we think they should be shooting for more competitive schools. For sure, many of us think our kids should have started on the application process earlier or applied themselves more when taking their SAT prep courses.
There are some among us who have kids who have been entirely independent, completed their applications early, taken a reasonable approach to applying to both reach and safety schools, at least in our own expert opinions as parents. Now, if you and your child have this exact same lens where you both agree on exactly how your kids should show up, I can imagine it makes life quite a bit easier for everyone. The problem is it's almost impossible for us to have the same lens as our kids.
We can't help it. We have a different perspective. We have more life experience, in our opinion.
We may have made mistakes we don't want our kids to repeat or we've heard about mistakes other kids or families have made and we definitely don't want to be in their shoes. We can't help it. We have a lens.
Even if we don't particularly care where our kids go to college, we for sure will still have opinions about the cost or the location or how they approach the process, how involved we want to be or not, whether or not they should listen to our advice. So our children have their lenses and we have ours. Now, try as we might, we can't actually control our kids anymore.
This may or may not be news to you, but seriously, our teenage kids are now adults, probably more in their minds than ours, but they are on the brink of leaving home and many of them, if not all of them, have opinions. And again, whether it's conscious or not, the way they're showing up is being driven by how they're interpreting the various facts and circumstances of this process, this journey. Our recommendations are reminding, nagging, encouraging, and maybe even begging.
Our actions are merely additional circumstances, facts of our behavior that our children can observe and interpret for themselves, either positively or negatively. They can interpret our advice and offers to be helpful as wonderful and actually helpful, or they can decide we're totally annoying, overbearing, and overstepping. We may think we're showing up in a helpful way, but our kids get to decide otherwise, or they could just ignore what we're doing entirely because they're so convinced of their own interpretations about how they want to go about the process that our advice is somewhat irrelevant.
No offense, mom, I'm going to do this my way. What I want to point out is that I find this part of the college process even more difficult than the rising number of applications or low acceptance rates. And let me just add to the mix, as mothers, we may be going through perimenopause and menopause, so we're not exactly hormonally stable.
This is literally a huge mess, an emotional powder keg waiting to go off. In the meantime, we're walking a tightrope where there is no clear path ahead. We don't know how all of this will turn out.
We're afraid. We want to try and help, help our kids achieve everything we think they're capable of achieving. It's hard to watch your child go through this process and not worry about them, or worry about the outcome, or how they'll handle the outcome.
So as we've always done, we want to try and help make it a little bit easier on them. We're willing to do whatever we can to potentially help them be a bit more successful. But how much help is too much? How much is too little? Do we let them take on applications entirely independently, or do we get involved in editing and revising? Do we insist that they apply to particular schools, demand that they follow a particular timeline in terms of completing different aspects of their applications? Notice that all of this help, whatever actions we take or ways that we get involved, these words, deeds, and ways of showing up, these are all being fueled by the way we feel.
And look, it's so natural that we're worried. We've spent our whole lives getting our kids to this point. There may even be a small part of us that views the college outcome as our own report card.
So we worry, and we ultimately really just want the best for our kids. We want them to be successful and happy. I so get this.
And so each of us approach this process in the best way we know how, with a knowledge of our kids and what we think is the best for them. And look, it's not my place to tell you how to support your children. Not at all.
There is no magic formula. Each of our children are different. We as parents are different.
Again, we all, each one of us, have different lenses. But I want to invite you to be really honest with yourself about how you are thinking and how you are feeling about your child's college application process. If you're feeling frustrated or panicked, maybe even angry, ask yourself what's really happening.
Why is this a problem for you? What do you really want? What do you want to be different? And also be honest with yourself about how you're showing up. Again, no judgment here. But I've noticed for myself that when I think things should be different, whatever they are, the process, my children's actions or viewpoint, when I fight with the reality of the circumstances in front of me, I feel pain.
When I think it's not fair, the outcome should be different, or we need to do something different to have the best outcome, all of it, the fighting with the reality of it, it has only brought me pain. I'm convinced that there is part of this process that is stressful simply because I want so much for my children to be happy that I worry that somehow the outcome of this process will determine or change that possibility for them in their life. Even though I haven't quite let go of this thought, I am finding so much peace and recognizing that this is not at all true.
There is not one college that will make your child happy or successful. The name of the school in the scheme of your child's life is almost irrelevant. Truly, we can never know exactly how the trajectory of our lives will play out.
Many Ivy League graduates are miserable and unsuccessful. Many people who never went to college are blissfully happy and successful. We think we know our kids, and we'd like to think we know how they should proceed to maximize their happiness and potential.
Look, we've spent their whole lives driving them in our direction. We've been right, or we've at least had our way their whole lives, and now it's becoming their turn. And they might make mistakes, and they might let themselves down, or they could do everything right or wrong and still be successful.
In life, failure may be required. We will for sure not always be successful. As a parent, I am continuing to fail and learn from my mistakes.
And in this process, I'm finding such an incredible opportunity to grow and to forge a new relationship with my children as they become adults. For sure, it is messy, and I am not always going to get it right. But I'm learning to be very aware of my own lens and how it stacks up against my children's lenses.
This is their journey. I can either demand that they see things my way and take my advice, and then only feel the pain of their pushing against my way, or even taking my advice and then me worrying that they're not capable of standing on their own. Or I can choose to be here to cheer them on, and always, no matter what, be here to support them if they fail or stumble.
Always. Your lens is driving how you show up. Your child's lens is driving how they show up.
Whose lens is right? Or more importantly, whose lens can you control? Here's the hint. Only yours. And you always have the option to lead with love, even when you're worried.
And sometimes love means being aware of how you're showing up and respecting how our kids are showing up, even if it's not exactly the path we might choose. Consider this. What if everything ends up okay? And by okay, I don't mean it ends up exactly as you or your child hopes it will.
But what if it all ends up okay no matter what happens? In life, for sure, there will be joy and there will be pain. Life is 50-50. And no matter what circumstances confront us, we always have the choice to lead with love.
Love for ourselves. Love for our kids. So for now, I am sending you love as you manage your fears and worries about this process.
You are not alone. Until next time, friends.
Thanks for listening to The Small Jar Podcast. Please visit us at www.thesmalljar.com. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram at smalljarcoach and subscribe to this podcast. Remember, you are the author of your story.
