TRAP #2 - CATASTROPHIZING
Welcome to the Small Jar Podcast, where we moms of teens find the power to step off the emotional rollercoaster between motherhood and the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins. Episode number 66.
Hello, friends. Here we are back into the swing of a new school year. I don't know about you, but I've always associated September with a fresh start.
Even during the times in my life when I wasn't in school, it always felt like September and the start of fall was a time to get back on track. Back on a regular schedule after a summer of a bit more freedom and less consistency. Some of you listening may have high school kids getting back into their routine.
And with that comes more structure to our kids' days, but also more on our minds in terms of what we hope for them and what we want them to accomplish. If you have a child in college, you might be getting into the rhythm of life without your child at home. Maybe it's the first year and the empty space your child's left behind still feels like a sad surprise when you walk by their lifeless room.
Maybe you're more used to your older child being away, but you've got one left at home. So you're straddling the space between sadness with one away and almost a feeling of scarcity or not enoughness, wanting to cherish all of the time you have left with them at home. This empty nest transition, I'm realizing, is a multi-year, multi-step process.
And so wherever you are in your journey, I'm with you and feeling a lot of emotions right now. Emotions about our kids, about our own lives, and our role and purpose as a mom. So in the spirit of fresh beginnings of fall, let's continue the work of finding joy and peace in the empty nest or finding peace and connection while our kids are still at home.
As I've mentioned before, this work is all about your relationship with yourself. In last week's podcast, I launched what will be a series of podcasts on the mindset traps we can fall into as we move through these transitions. As I mentioned last week, these mindset traps are not unique to us as women in midlife.
They are, in fact, mindset traps that we can all fall into at all stages of our lives. And the reason these traps are universal to all humans is because of the perfect design of our brains. It's common for us to think that there's something wrong with us when we get into these patterns where we feel stuck in our thinking.
And so that's why it's really important to reiterate that often when our minds are falling into these mindset traps, it's a sign that our brains are actually working perfectly because they're being driven by the motivational triad to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and to be as efficient as possible. So the purpose of this series is to offer some insight into how the motivational triad causes our minds to take shortcuts in the interest of efficiency and to distort our perspective about our lives in the interest of avoiding pain. Ultimately, this is only a problem if we're not aware of it.
And because we've never actually been taught how to supervise our minds, we can end up creating results in our life that we don't want all because our subconscious, unsupervised brains are calling the shots. Last week, I explored the first mindset trap, confirmation bias, which is our brain's tendency to try to find what it's looking for. Simply speaking, if we believe something, our minds will actually give more weight to the information that lines up with what we already think is true.
And we can actually then even downplay information that doesn't align with what we already believe. In a really simple example, if we think our teen is being disrespectful, our brains are going to focus on every behavior that we observe and interpret as disrespectful and will actually discount and potentially even misinterpret our teen's behavior that's pleasant or simply neutral. It's an eye-opening exercise to really force your brain to be objective about the situation it observes.
In the case of this mindset trap, as with the others we'll explore, the problem really comes down to the reality that the way our minds interpret the facts of our lives has a direct impact on how we feel and how we show up in our lives. So as you can imagine, if our minds are hyper-focused on confirming the belief that our teen is disrespectful, then we're likely going to be perpetuating a feeling of frustration or anger with our teens. And when we show up from this energy, things often don't get better in our relationships with them.
And look, if there was a formula for changing our teens and guaranteeing that they'd always act in the way that we want them to act and always respectfully listen to us and appreciate us, if someone could crack that code, they'd be crazy successful. But truth is, the only one we have control over is ourselves. And so to the extent we want to improve our relationships or have any hope, frankly, of getting our kids to listen to us, sometimes we need to be intentional about how we show up.
Because becoming aware of our own confirmation bias is the first critical step. Now I'm going through these mindset traps in no particular order, but as I look through the list, some of them speak to me more than others. So it's fun to explore each of them in a random order.
The second mindset trap I want to discuss in this week's episode is the trap of catastrophizing or imagining the worst possible outcome. Sometimes I can think of this as the horrible what-if scenarios our brains come up with. Now we talked about one aspect of this last week in the context of our brain's tendency to focus on the negative.
Negativity bias serves a very important purpose in relation to the motivational triad because our brains are constantly scanning our environment for risk so that we can avoid pain. In today's world, the pain we're trying to avoid isn't typically life or death type of pain, but rather our brains are desperately trying to avoid emotional pain. Now before I dive into this, I just want to highlight something that is actually mind-blowing when you think about it.
And I point this out because I really want to invite you to open your mind to the possibility of this as you listen further about this catastrophizing trap. So if you found yourself ever stuck in a loop of what-if thinking, and as moms I honestly think we could win an award for this type of thinking, but if you've ever been stuck in one of these patterns, you know from personal experience that this type of thinking actually causes us emotional pain, mostly in the form of anxiety. So consider this.
The reason our brains are engaging in this thinking is because our brains want us to try to avoid pain. But the irony is our brains actually create anxiety or some other emotional pain in an effort to avoid future emotional pain. If you're having a hard time getting your head around this, don't worry, I'll explain this much further.
But I just want to introduce this concept early because this illustrates once again how powerful and intentional our brains are actually trying to be when they engage in this what-if thinking, and also why it can feel impossible to stop it. Because our brains truly think the work they are doing is really important to help us avoid future pain. Now are you starting to see how valuable and life-changing it can be to supervise your brain? So confirmation bias makes our brains look for information that supports what we already believe, and then negativity bias causes us to focus even more on the negative information that confirms whatever it is we fear or want to avoid.
So as our brain focuses on negative information to support its view of the world, we're strengthening our commitment to whatever belief we have and paying selective attention to those facts in the world that support those beliefs. Now just consider for a moment how many beliefs we have about our kids and what it means for them to be happy, safe, and successful. And we have very strong beliefs about how they should be going about achieving those goals.
I mean we've spent 20 years invested in beliefs about this. These aren't just opinions. These are deep-seated beliefs we have about what we want for our kids and about how it's our responsibility as moms to help them achieve this, for them to be safe, successful, and happy.
From the time our kids were really little, we've been on the lookout for danger. Our perfectly functioning brains are constantly looking for risks and focusing on the negative. So if we notice something that doesn't fall into our belief about how things should be going with our kids or in our own lives, we see this potential risk as a serious source of danger, a source of pain.
So because of confirmation bias, we naturally can become hyper-focused on the facts or our interpretation of the facts that support this belief that there's a problem. And then we catastrophize. Our brains imagine the most dramatic and terrible version of what could happen, the worst-case scenario, and honestly, no matter how many times you try to tell yourself it will all turn out okay, our brains continue to hold on to the possibility of the worst-case scenario because again, that scenario involves pain and our brains want to avoid it at all costs.
All of us worry about the future. I've talked about how this serves us in the sense of protecting us. There's this aspect of our evolutionary makeup, an instinct that ensures that we learn from our environment and imagine possible outcomes as a way to avoid pain and negative consequences.
This is how our species has evolved. If we can predict the possibility of a negative outcome and somehow avoid it by being proactive or learning how to get around it, then one would think that we would be able to save ourselves the pain of experiencing the negative outcome. This aspect of our minds is incredibly helpful.
We envision various scenarios and try to take steps to minimize the negative and optimize the positive. Whether you realize it or not, your mind is continuously evaluating the world around you and making decisions, many of them unconscious. These decisions keep you safe and moving in the right direction.
In fact, many of these decisions are habitual actions, proactive steps you're taking to avoid a negative outcome. When you cross the street, you don't even think about it, you look both ways. If you see a car in front of you put on its brakes, you will also put on your brakes.
Throughout our lives we learn about dangers in the world and we incorporate into our habits simple responses that we don't even need to think about that protect us from harm. This is the beauty and power of our minds. Of course, you can never avoid all of the bad things that could possibly happen.
You could do everything right and still experience unexpected tragedy or disappointment. In fact, it's actually guaranteed that at some point something bad will happen. There are times when try as we might we can't actually do anything to change the course of the future.
This is a particular hurdle that we begin to grapple with as we navigate our life with teens who are pulling away and seeking their independence and as we approach the empty nest. For each of our children and each of our families this can look very different but what becomes increasingly true, what's inevitable, is that our children are going to go out and live their lives and even when our how they do this. I know I've experienced this in my life with my boys that as our kids try to figure out who they are separate from their parents, our kids can seem to go out of their way to make their own decisions and create their own path.
I've struggled in simple ways, one of my son's haircut choices for example, and in bigger much more challenging ways when I've seen my boys making choices that in my mind could have dire consequences. Our teens paths and choices may end up looking very different from what we'd hope their paths will look like. In fact it's almost inevitable that as our kids go out into the world there are going to be several things they do that we've warned them against or even begged them not to do and guess what they're going to do it anyway.
And this could be everything from fairly minor things to major risk-taking behavior. There are so many circumstances of our lives that are not in our control right now and unsurprisingly lack of control, uncertainty about the future. Our brain's reaction to these circumstances is to rebel against it.
Our brains want us to be safe and certain so naturally when we observe things in the world with our kids that we don't want or think about our own futures that are uncertain our brains go to the worst case in an effort to try to problem solve. It's almost like our brains are supercomputers thinking of the terrible possible outcome and working backwards to try and find the loophole to make sure that that outcome absolutely will not happen. So there are times when we catastrophize by expressing some dramatic reaction to a circumstance.
For example, if our child gets a bad test grade we might find ourselves thinking or even saying out loud if he doesn't try harder he's going to fail the class. The traditional description of this mindset trap is that people who engage in catastrophizing blow things out of proportion and magnify the negative consequences of an event or circumstance. So in this case of a bad test grade the catastrophizing thought takes our mind down a rabbit hole of failing the course maybe even not getting into college.
In a rational moment we might be able to tell ourselves that one bad test grade doesn't determine a student's academic future but as I've said before it's really not always that easy to just think the rational happy thought that everything will be okay because our brain is still giving weight to that worst case scenario just telling ourselves the worst case thinking is irrational it's honestly not always useful. Now I want to share something that I've observed in myself and also in my clients. We don't actually need to even think the catastrophizing thought intentionally.
It's like our brains are so sophisticated that they can weave this terrible story that seems so big and overwhelming that it's almost like we can't bear to look at it. Honestly sometimes I'll even refer to it as the boogeyman under the bed or hiding in the closet. Our brains just know that whatever is hiding in that closet is terrible.
I don't even need to know all of the details but it represents pain and I don't want it. So whatever category of risk is connected to that pain I want to try to fix it. So if our kids are experimenting with drugs I don't even need to open the closet door to know that somewhere on the other side of that terrible abyss is death.
Same thing with alcohol, drinking and driving, sex and pregnancy, failing out of school, depression, loneliness, suicide. These aren't minor issues. These are big scary terrible catastrophic risks and I don't know are we being dramatic that our brains go there? Yes maybe but also no.
Because here's the thing when we think about the worst case scenario with our kids in our own lives as we grapple with an uncertain future and a lot of transition we feel fear and anxiety. Of course we do and also our brains want to avoid that pain. They want to fix the anxiety we feel right now and avoid the emotional pain we might feel in the future if the worst case were to come true.
And I can't say this enough this is our brain working perfectly. So many women come to me and they are overwhelmed with anxiety about their kids, about what happens once their kids leave. So much anxiety and fear and frustration.
A lot of painful feelings and so of course what they really want is to feel better. If their anxiety is connected to their kids and getting them to change their behavior in some way then many women come to me thinking the solution is to figure out the right way to get their kids to change. And look I'm not pointing fingers.
In the past I've also spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to get my kids to do what I want them to do. Okay so if we think our kids are the source of anxiety we need them to change for us to feel better. Or another challenge we can face is the fear of transition to the empty nest.
And so the solution in many of my clients minds is to fill the nest. Find a new career or a new hobby. Figure out how we're going to spend the time.
Because an empty nest equals sadness, loss, and loneliness. So let's fix that by finding something to do to take our mind off of it. This desire to fix the pain is also totally normal.
And it's also at the heart of why we can tend to ruminate in the worst-case scenario. Because until we've succeeded in fixing the problem that worst-case scenario still exists out there. We're hiding in that dark closet.
So as long as the potential for pain exists our brains are going to keep thinking about the risk, looking for evidence to confirm that risk exists, and trying to avoid the danger by finding solutions. Our brains are looking at these problems innocently assuming there must be some way to avoid the pain. What is that looking both ways before crossing the street equivalent that will solve for the pain? How many times have you woken up in the middle of the night and for whatever reason your brain is triggered to think of some risk or some potential pain and you're up for hours trying to find solutions? Sometimes with my boys I would find myself running through the different things I could say to finally get across the right message to get them to hear me this time.
Or if it was all about me I would lie there beating myself up for whatever I did wrong to get me here and trying to motivate myself to fix whatever pattern of behavior I wanted to fix about myself. I've also coached women who dread being by themselves for long stretches of time because they worry they'll just be left alone stuck in fear and cycling through all of the worst-case scenarios without any way out. I think one of the most terrible parts about falling into this mindset trap of catastrophizing is that we judge ourselves so much for doing it.
Have you ever said to yourself what's wrong with you that you can't let it go? Then on top of the anxiety and fear we feel shame and out of control we can become convinced that there's something wrong with us. It's no wonder so many of us turn to therapists and anti-anxiety medications. We're anxious and the only obvious solution seems to be that we're broken and we need to be fixed.
My friend what if it's possible that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you? I know many of us suffer from anxiety and depression and by no means do I mean to diminish the severity of these challenges. Only you can know whether your anxiety requires medication and frankly there's so many options that really can take the edge off. Each of us has to find what works best for us.
But also even with medication the fact remains that our brain's tendency to go to the worst case scenario, it's perfectly normal. It's a trap that our minds fall into because they're desperately trying to avoid pain. And it's interesting to consider that if you stop judging yourself for feeling anxiety and start to get curious about why you're feeling anxious, it actually makes perfect sense.
There was a time when there was something seriously wrong in my family. I wasn't making it up. As you can imagine my brain desperately wanted to avoid the worst case scenario I saw as a very real threat.
In the beginning I panicked. The worst case was all I could think about. I would wake up in the middle of the night trying to find ways to fix the problem.
I tried everything I could think of. Sometimes I approached the situation rationally, other times I lost my mind. The worst case was a real possibility and of course I didn't want it.
How should I have felt? Calm? Relaxed? Happy? Absolutely not. My thoughts about the worst case scenario were well founded. I was incredibly anxious and afraid and also I realized there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix the situation.
A funny thing happened when I finally accepted my powerlessness. I finally got to a place where I saw what was happening and all of the ways that it could go wrong, but also that I had absolutely no control over the outcome. The only choice I had was to allow my pain.
Now believe me it wasn't easy. There was nothing I wanted to do less than just sit with the anxiety and the sadness, but there was something beautiful about it as well. I learned to be very clear with myself about the things over which I have control and those that I don't.
First and foremost, I have zero control over other people, particularly my teenage boys, the choices they make, the way they live their lives. The only control I actually have is in the way I respond to their choices and set my own boundaries. But boundaries aren't about controlling the other person, they're about deciding how we respond to other people's words and actions.
This was a situation I could not fix or control, and once my brain realized this, it's like it finally stopped furiously trying to find a solution. I came to a very intentional realization that there was nothing for me to do but feel my emotions. In this situation, in the face of my total lack of control, the boundary I set was that whatever happened, I was going to respond with love and acceptance.
I realized I had no other choice. It is so normal that we observe our children's lives and our own uncertain future, and we worry. Our brains consider the worst-case scenario, and of course we're going to try to avoid that worst case.
If there are risks in the world, why wouldn't we remind our kids to avoid them? If there's a realistic precaution we can take, of course we should take it. But there comes a point when we actually just need to acknowledge that the only thing that's happening when our understandably offer us a worst-case scenario is that our minds are working perfectly and trying to help us avoid pain. And also, naturally, if our brains offer us a scary thought, we're going to feel anxious.
I want to invite you to consider that the trap is actually when we think something's gone wrong. When we think there's something wrong with us that we feel anxiety. When we think there's something wrong that we can't stop thinking about the worst case, which, by the way, only serves to make us think about it more.
What I think we actually can do is catastrophize ourselves and our inability to handle emotional pain. We think we're broken if we're anxious. But what if the real problem is that we're judging ourselves and resisting that emotion, trying to avoid it and not feel it? I don't know about you, but when I'm looking over a cliff or looking down from a big height, I feel scared.
I don't think that there's something wrong with me that I feel scared in that moment. It's just how I feel. So isn't it interesting that we think something's wrong with us when we feel scared, because we're thinking about something going wrong with our kids or about something going wrong in our future? What if this type of anxiety came up for you and you thought, of course I feel anxious.
There's nothing wrong with me. Imagine being able to feel that anxiety and respond with love and understanding for yourself. You might then be able to calmly assess if there are steps you can take to avoid a risk or if the anxiety is coming from a lack of ability to control or predict the future.
If it's the latter, doesn't it make sense that you feel anxious? Can we work ourselves up and create doomsday scenarios in our mind and become obsessed with a distorted view of the worst case? Yes, absolutely. I've been there myself. But just consider what might be different if you could observe your mind going down that rabbit hole and you were able to say to yourself, ah, there you are, my perfect mind, wanting to avoid pain and control the future.
I hear you. You see risks ahead and you're afraid. Why don't we work together to figure out where we have control and where we don't? What if instead of falling into the trap of circular worst case thinking, we could partner with our minds to decide how to move forward and also when we might need to accept our lack of control.
If you're curious about how to navigate finding peace, even in the midst of your anxiety, these are skills I teach in my one-on-one coaching program, Mom 2.0. Your power is in understanding where you have power and where you don't.
Until next time, friends.
If you enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review and check out our coaching program, Mom 2.0 at www.thesmalljar.com. You have more power than you think, my friend.
