TRAP #3 - VALIDATION SEEKING
Welcome to the Small Jar Podcast, where we moms of teens find the power to step off the emotional roller coaster between motherhood and the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins. Episode number 67.
Hello, my friends. How are you doing? I'll be honest, I'm feeling somewhat overwhelmed, but also grateful by the structure of being back into the swing of the school year. My oldest is at college and settling in.
My youngest is back at school for his junior year and we're buckling in to go through the college process once again. Super fun. My calendar is full of events and obligations.
I have my hotel book for parents weekend at my son's college. I also somehow lucked out and he bought tickets to come back home to see a two-day music festival. I'm excited to see him, but I'm also bracing myself that it's quite likely he won't actually be home much while he's here.
Even with one at college and the other still at home, it's amazing how much our lives can still revolve around both of our kids, like planets around the sun. Our kids have a gravitational pull that grounds us and gives us purpose. I love this about motherhood, but also notice how unsteady it can make us feel when that connection, that gravitational pull we have gets disrupted.
Honestly, even before our kids actually leave home, they start testing and pulling away, making it clear that they're no longer willing to be bound by the force of our orbiting influence. And once your youngest leaves, to take this metaphor one step further, it can truly feel like our own solar system has imploded. Suddenly, our calendar is earnest full of school-related events.
No more back-to-school nights or school performances, no more track meets or football games, frankly, no reason to even drive by the school. Dinners at home, they feel quite a bit more quiet. My youngest is really serious about his health and fitness, and so he often cooks for himself.
Okay, it's not like I cooked every night before, but when I did cook and my oldest was home, I was used to cooking big portions with two growing boys. And then there was that phase when my oldest went vegetarian. I cooked big meals with multiple options, and now I'm back to cooking for just me and my husband when I do cook.
I'm now a better or at least a more confident cook than when my husband and I first got married, but it somehow seems sad now to be cooking such small portions. If you're listening to this podcast, I imagine you, like me, have found an incredible sense of fulfillment from being a mom. I think we'd likely also agree that it hasn't been easy.
There've been many ups and downs and scary moments. We've learned from our mistakes and made quite a few of them along the way, but no matter how challenging it's been, we wouldn't trade the experience for anything. I absolutely believe that people who choose not to have kids lead wonderful, fulfilling lives, and I honestly didn't always think I'd be a mom.
I wasn't sure I'd be good at it, but once I had kids, for me, that experience was life-altering. It's like once my first son came into the world, I could never undo the instinctual need to protect and care for this little human. It's almost like that sphere of influence of that motivational triad, our instinctual desire to avoid pain, seek pleasure, and to be efficient.
It's like our motivation to seek those things extends to our children as well. Like a superhero's force field, we extend our will to protect and nurture our children to keep them safe and happy. Wouldn't it be great if we actually had that superpower? So for many of us, our sense of purpose started at the very beginning of motherhood.
I even remember feeling it when I first learned I was pregnant. So after 20 or more years, it's no wonder that many of us grappling with the empty nest feel this desperate sense that our source of purpose and fulfillment is being slowly taken away from us. Over the past few episodes of The Small Jar podcast, we've been exploring the mindset traps of life with teens and the empty nest.
Over the past two weeks, we got into confirmation bias and catastrophizing. This week, I want to shift gears a bit to explore validation seeking. Now, if you haven't yet had a chance to listen to the first two episodes, I recommend that you do when you have time.
I'm going through these traps in no particular order, but I do want to reiterate that these mindset traps are not an indication that there's something wrong with us, as we often think because we fall into these traps seemingly against our will. In fact, these mindset traps are an indication that our brains are working perfectly normally in an effort to keep us safe, to help us avoid pain and seek pleasure. When exploring the mindset traps of confirmation bias and catastrophizing, I talked about how these traps are at the core instinctual thought errors or loops our brains engage in to keep us from pain.
So in this episode, as we explore validation seeking, I want to offer that this mindset trap relates to our brain's instinctual desire to seek pleasure. So let's dive in. Validation seeking essentially involves looking for external validation, approval, or recognition from others.
And why do we do this? Honestly, because when someone says something to us that we perceive as nice, like they say we look beautiful or that we did a good job, when someone says to us, wow, thank you for all of your hard work. We couldn't do any of this without you. When we get that feedback from others, we feel good.
We might feel beautiful or more competent and worthy, appreciated, validated. I want to point something out here, and I find this fascinating. And you might think I'm a little bit of a nerd, but here goes.
I hate the use of the passive voice in the English language. I'll be honest, I didn't learn this in English class. I actually learned it when studying foreign languages.
I took German, French, and Japanese, although I can't say I'm fluent in any of them. I just love learning languages. So here's the thing about the passive voice, and stick with me if you have no idea what I'm talking about.
I'll explain. So the active voice is a sentence structure where the subject, like I, she, or he, take an action. Like I rode a bike.
She ate a sandwich. So the subjects, I and she, are taking the actions of riding a bike or eating a sandwich. In contrast, in the passive voice, the sentence is turned around, so now the subject of the sentence is having something done to it or them.
So in these examples, it's the bike was ridden. The sandwich was eaten. The subject isn't taking the action, but having the action basically done to it.
Anytime you could add the word by, b-y, as in the bike was ridden by me or the sandwich was eaten by her, you've got a passive voice sentence. What I hate about this sentence structure, the passive voice, is that we usually leave off the by who or what part and we're left with a sentence where something is just happening, and it's like it's happening against our will with absolutely no power given to the person or thing having the action taken to them. Here's some examples where I think this is a particular problem.
I was validated. I was appreciated. The kitchen was cleaned.
It was decided. The passive voice, to me, makes it feel like life is happening to us. To me, it feels so much more clear to use the active voice.
She said words that were validating to me. He said words that I thought were appreciative. I cleaned the kitchen.
I decided. If you've been listening to this podcast, you know I often say that we need to take responsibility for the way we think, and to that end, I think it's really helpful to be aware of how our language can contribute to us recognizing our power and also in our giving our power away. Okay, so back to validation seeking.
Let's just test this active versus passive voice thing out here. I was validated by my children and the purpose of being a mom. Many of us say this to ourselves, right? But it's the passive voice which gives the power of the validating to our kids and the role of being a mother.
One might think that the active voice version of the sentence would be, my children validated me, or the purpose of being a mom validated me. But in fact, those sentences are also passive because it's still not clear how I was validated. Okay, if you're done with the language lesson, let me just summarize in this way.
The words validated, appreciated, loved, and valued, these words are actually feelings that we feel. Think about it. We might say, I feel validated.
I feel loved. I feel appreciated. And often in our minds, it's someone else that's giving us those feelings.
Now in this episode, I'm going to challenge this assumption, but first I want to explore why it's perfectly normal for us to seek these feelings. Now, clearly most of us would agree that it's perfectly normal for mothers to feel a sense of validation or fulfillment from their children's affection, appreciation, and even their achievements. I can imagine that most of you listening would agree that this has been one of the biggest gifts of motherhood, receiving and giving love to our kids, seeing them grow up and learn to self-actualize.
Over 20 years, we've been building and nurturing this bond with our kids, and it's been our responsibility to see them grow up into caring, responsible, successful adults. And I imagine you have given this job your all. If you're listening to this podcast, I have no doubt you're the kind of mom who has taken the job of caring for and loving your kids very seriously, which is exactly why it can feel so painful when they pull away or leave for college.
Our sense of responsibility for our kids is in part instinctual, that force field we want to envelop our kids with to keep them safe, happy, and help them be successful. Over the past 20 years, how many times have you felt this sense of pride and fulfillment when your child reaches a milestone, when they learn to sit or walk, when they said their first words, their very first day of school? These circumstances filled us with pride and love because when we witnessed them, our brains, well, I'll speak from my own personal experience, my brain interpreted those circumstances with wonder. He did it.
We've reached this milestone. I can't believe how grown up he is. I don't have to worry that he'll never fill in the blank.
There are certain milestones throughout our kids' lives, every single month and early days, where we have a perception of what they should be achieving or how our kids should be engaging with the world. And so when they do achieve these milestones or get through challenges with something, our minds can perceive the situation with a sigh of relief and gratitude. Honestly, we can even put this in the category of met expectations.
When our kid says their first word, expectation checked, learns how to ride a bike, check. And whose responsibility is it in our minds if our kids haven't checked all the boxes or met the expectations we have for them in terms of what safety, happiness, and success looks like? Well, mama, I don't know about you, but for me, I know I've put myself on the hook for all of it. My oldest, when he was an infant, hated being put in his crib.
Some moms with more patience than me might have just let their baby sleep with them or on them rather than driving themselves crazy trying to put their child in the crib. But not me. I was determined to find a solution.
Eventually, I learned that he was much calmer when I swaddled him, so we developed a routine that worked. My mother used to make fun of me at how precisely and tightly I would swaddle this kid, but it calmed him down enough to go to sleep. He didn't always fall asleep right away, but at least he wasn't waking himself with flailing arms anymore.
So there came a point when it was clear we were going to have to wean him off the swaddle. Once he was a bit more mobile, the fear was that he would roll over in the swaddle and suffocate, or at least that's where my catastrophizing mind went. I was beside myself at the time because the swaddle had brought some much-needed peace at bedtime.
My mother, who I quote often, said to me, honey, I promise you that you won't have to teach his wife how to swaddle him. Hilarious now, not so much at the time. So one night, I decided I was going to sleep next to his crib and just ride it out, however long it took.
I was going to put him in bed without the swaddle and just be there to reassure him when he woke himself up. Just let us both get used to the new normal. Shockingly, it took only one long night.
He woke himself up a few times, and I was there to pat his head, and he went right back to sleep. The next night, no problem. I kid you not, at the time, I remember saying to my mom, I couldn't be more proud of him if he got into college.
I was that grateful and relieved that he had hit the milestone of sleeping without a swaddle. It seems like such a silly thing in retrospect, but I kid you not, as I really think about it now, here was the problem. Before we hit that milestone, it was my fault he was dependent on the swaddle.
It would be my fault if something bad happened to him because he was swaddled. It was my selfishness that I wasn't willing to just sleep with him rather than putting him in a swaddle. So when he finally achieved this milestone, I felt relieved.
I felt validated. I felt like I'd figured something out. But let me be clear, my son and his lack of a swaddle didn't validate me.
It was what that achievement allowed me to believe about myself, about how we did it. It was my interpretation of that milestone that made me feel validated. And I think all of this, minus my fixation about swaddles, I think these feelings of validation when our kids hit some milestone or show us affection or appreciation, when these things happen, of course we feel validated, loved, or appreciated.
We have a deep emotional bond with our kids from the time our children are babies. When they show us love back, it's honestly intoxicating. We interpret their words or acts of affection as loving and feel loved.
I have vivid memories of big hugs, my boys running into my arms after being away from me for only a few hours, snuggles at bedtime. They'd probably cringe to hear me talking about all of this now, but those years of unbridled love and affection, how could we not have interpreted that love as anything short of heaven? And yet, there are moms who don't have this bond with their kids. They don't have an emotional attachment no matter what their children do.
Right now, I'm reading Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver. It's a story about a boy in the foster system, roughly paralleled on Charles Dickens' David Copperfield. I'm only a quarter of the way through, but this young boy is still deeply connected to and loves his mom, even though she's an addict, among other things.
Just because you give love doesn't mean the other person feels loved. And the difference truly is in the way we each accept and interpret the actions and words of others. We can't feel loved against our own will, without our own permission that accepts someone else's love.
It's potentially easier to think about how this is true in romantic relationships. Both partners don't often love equally, or don't love in the way their partner wants to be loved. This is actually more true with our own children than we realize.
I imagine you, like me, have been through many highs and lows in raising your kids. There really isn't a manual, and the rules seem to change with each passing year. We try our best, whatever we're trying stops working because our kids enter a new stage of development.
We try to adapt, eventually figure something out, and then they grow up a little more. It's a continual process of trial and error, as much as we might hate to admit it. And through it all, what we really want is simply for our kids to be safe, happy, and successful.
Just that. However we're interpreting that in each and every stage. And so is it any wonder that when our kids hit each of these milestones, or demonstrate signs that they are in fact safe, happy, and successful, is it any wonder that we feel pride and even a sense of validation? The underlying thought being, I've done okay.
Maybe even, I've done a good job as a mom today. When we see these signs, we get permission to believe what we really want to believe about ourselves, that I'm a good mom. Because honestly, I know this has been true for me, it can feel like day to day, or even hour to hour, we're being tested.
Those mornings when getting out the door to school was a total shitshow that ended in me losing my mind, screaming for the kids to get their shoes on, that we're going to be late. Chalk that up to one more moment when I was a bad mom. But then at the end of the day, when I apologized to the boys, and they gave me a big hug, and everything seemed to be forgiven, I was back to feeling like a good mom.
Sometimes it can feel difficult to hold on to the belief that you're a good mom for very long, because sometimes, and I know it seems like this in my own mind, I was failing more tests than I passed. So over 20 years, whether it's been our children's love and affection, their accomplishments, the dedication and sheer number of hours we've applied to the task of loving and caring for our kids, all of it has given our brains permission to believe that we matter, that we have purpose, that we're a good mom. We get to love and accept the love that is given by these beautiful humans in our lives.
I matter. I have purpose. I'm a good mom.
My role as a mom is important and valuable. Active voice. And also, the thoughts that create feelings of validation, purpose, and fulfillment.
Our thoughts create these feelings. And I love these thoughts. I matter.
I have purpose. I'm a good mom. My role as a mom is important and valuable.
The question is, why are we waiting for permission to believe these thoughts? Or why do we need to wait for additional evidence to believe these thoughts? Look, it makes sense that over the past 20 years, we've had moments when we've had these subconscious thoughts, whether we've realized it or not, in response to external evidence or external validation. It seems to happen automatically and honestly, because the job of motherhood can feel so challenging at different stages. It can seem like such a relief to get those signs of external validation.
I've seen this particularly during the teenage years, my friends. So is it any wonder that sometimes we feel a little desperate and needy when those signs of external validation are fewer and farther between? We want to feel loved and validated. All of us.
Remember, our brains instinctually, based on the motivational triad, are constantly trying to avoid pain, seek pleasure, and be efficient. So on autopilot, if we sense the nice word or a hug from our teen is what allows us to feel that pleasure, to feel loved, then we're going to be looking for more of that. And of course, if the times our child seems to reject us make us feel hurt, then we want to avoid that as much as possible.
And dealing with our teens and their ups and downs is one thing. Then we get to the empty nest and we think we'll get very little external validation because our kids just simply aren't at home anymore. All of this, the waiting to feel loved and validated.
Remember the passive voice. Something is being done to something. In the case of your feelings, they literally can't be done to you.
I know this is hard to get your mind around at first, but truly, taking ownership of your own feelings is the key to stepping off the emotional roller coaster we can feel like we're on when we're waiting for external permission to feel something that's only in our own power to feel. I matter. I have purpose.
I'm a good mom. My role as a mom is important and valuable. Are you waiting for permission to believe these thoughts? If so, why? What's standing in your way of giving yourself permission to believe these thoughts on your own? This is the work we do in my one-on-one coaching program, Mom 2.0. You matter, my friend.
You get to believe you're a good mom and your role as a mom is important and valuable still and forever. No matter what your teen is going through, no matter how far away they are, you still get to feel loved and valued and validated. Stop looking for things outside of you to give you permission to feel what only you can create for yourself.
Until next time, friends.
If you enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review and check out our coaching program, Mom 2.0 at www.thesmalljar.com. You have more power than you think, my friend.
