TRAP #4 - COMPARISON TRAP
Welcome to the Small Jar Podcast, where we moms of teens find the power to step off the emotional rollercoaster between motherhood and the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins. Episode number 68.
Hello, friends, and welcome back. Over the past few episodes of the Small Jar Podcast, we've been on an exploration of the mindset traps of life with teens and the empty nest. So far, I've covered confirmation bias, catastrophizing, and validation seeking.
And this week, I want to explore a new topic, actually one that I haven't spent that much time on in previous episodes, and that is the mindset trap of comparison. Now, just as a reminder, I'm not going through these traps in any particular order, so feel free to go back in the series and listen to them in whatever way is most helpful to you. Now, we don't all fall prey to all of these traps all of the time, but these traps are common to many of us throughout our lives at all stages.
And this rocky journey that we face between motherhood and the empty nest brings with it such a perfect storm of change, aging, hormones, both ours and our kids, and all kinds of other challenges. And so there are particular ways that these traps manifest themselves for us moms in this stage of life. I've said this before, and it bears repeating, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you if your mind falls into these traps.
The question is, are you able to get out of the trap, or do you find yourself getting stuck in them? A few weeks ago, at the start of the school year, I was sitting in on a presentation given by my son's new principal. He was talking to a group of parents about how their teen's brain development would likely impact how their kids interacted with their environment throughout their high school experience. And he was explaining that it was helpful for teachers and parents to understand what part of the brain they might be talking to when interacting with their teens.
So let me explain. You might have heard the term prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the human brain that's responsible for higher order cognitive functions like decision making, impulse control, and planning.
It can be thought of as the executive functioning area of the brain. The principal explained that this part of the brain isn't fully developed until a child is about 25 years old. In contrast, the amygdala, which I sometimes refer to as the primitive area of our brain, is responsible for helping us process emotions, particularly those related to threat, fear, and stress.
So when you hear people referring to that fight or flight that we often have in response to stress, they're referring to the amygdala's response to stress or danger. So if our teen's prefrontal cortex isn't fully functional until their mid-20s, the interesting flip side of this is that the teen's amygdala, or fight or flight response, is actually more sensitive and reactive during this time. So as you can imagine, that plays a big role in the behavior and emotional reactions we see in our teens.
So for example, our teen's amygdala can be responsible for the intense emotions we witness in our teens. It can influence how our teens respond to risks, both in good and bad ways. For example, they might be highly sensitive to risk and fear putting themselves out there.
But at the same time, because their prefrontal cortex isn't fully developed, they might also have difficulty with impulse control, which might suggest they could take on big risks without even thinking through the consequences. The amygdala plays a role in our teen's mood swings and how they respond to social cues. Clearly, given all of this change and instability, I think this can give us as parents even more of a reason to feel like we need to step in and guide our kids, because we see this emotional instability.
There are times when we see our kids acting in mature, incredibly thoughtful and responsible ways, and other times they can seem completely out of control. So when listening to the high school principal, it occurred to me that in our discussion about mindset traps, it might be helpful to spend a moment thinking about how our own amygdalas, prefrontal cortex, and other areas of our brain play a role in the thought errors we can find ourselves falling into. First, the amygdala.
Although now as grown adults, our own prefrontal cortex is fully formed, our amygdala is also fully operational. As I mentioned before, the amygdala helps us process emotions related to threat, fear, and stress. And let's face it, our world today, as moms of teens, in our lives, we have a lot of day-to-day stress and fear.
When we face situations that we perceive to be threatening, our amygdala becomes active. This response can seem automatic, because in fact, our amygdala is designed to react quickly to keep us from harm. When this part of our brain is activated, we can feel stress, anxiety, and self-doubt.
Interestingly, while the amygdala is of course ready to detect physical threats or danger, it's also highly sensitive to threats to our self-esteem, social status, or our sense of belonging. Now you hear me refer to this a lot, but from an evolutionary standpoint, the threat of being cast out from the group was a life-threatening prospect. Think about it, when prehistoric man, when those communities were together in a tribe, they could work together to fight off predators and to find food and create shelter.
Alone, one would most likely die without the support of the tribe, and so today our brains can still interpret not fitting in or being left out as dangerous. So the amygdala is constantly scanning our environment for danger, and if it perceives a threat, it stimulates a physical response, including a release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. Now think about this for a minute, if you're at a scary movie and they have one of those jump scares where the ghost or the demon comes onto the screen in some dramatic way, our amygdala will respond as if we're experiencing true danger, and we might even experience a flood of stress hormones in response, even though rationally we know we're safe in a movie theater and what we're watching isn't real.
So it's helpful to remember that our amygdala is looking for danger, but its interpretation isn't always accurate. So in previous episodes in the series, we've talked about confirmation bias and negativity bias, and both of these mindset traps are influenced strongly by our amygdala's fight-or-flight response. If our amygdala senses a threat, it will tend to give more weight to the information that confirms this threat, and similarly, negativity bias gives more weight to threatening information than information to the contrary.
Now before we dive fully into the comparison trap, I want to take a moment to highlight how because the amygdala is playing such an important role in how we're processing anxiety, fear, and stress, it's valuable to see that the mindset traps we're talking about, particularly those that trigger our underlying fears, the traps are not purely a function of our thinking. Now I'm a huge believer in the concept that it's our thoughts that create our feelings, and I 100% subscribe to that concept. However, because there's a part of our brain that is so highly attuned to how we perceive our world, that if we perceive our environment or circumstances as threatening, our bodies respond with a potentially dramatic physical response, something you might be very familiar with if you've ever suffered from anxiety or stress.
The physical manifestation of this can be overwhelming at times, and so I do want to honor that I understand why it feels so challenging to overcome some of these mindset traps, because it feels physically bigger than just something that's being driven by our perspective. But I want to offer that if you truly understand your mind, you get to a place where, like the jump scare, where you experience a physical reaction to the perceived threat, but then are able to down-regulate quickly after the jump scare or movie ends. Similarly, if you're able to develop a deep awareness of how your mind is interpreting risks and dangers in your life, then you can interpret these physical responses and not feel like they're controlling you.
Certainly things like meditation and yoga can help you release anxiety and stress for a period of time, but getting at the underlying thought errors that create that anxiety in the first place, that is the key to creating so much more peace in your life. So why the big setup for the comparison trap? Well first, I want to offer that the funny thing about this trap is that we do it so often and so automatically that we don't even realize we're engaging in any type of thought error at all. We honestly think we're just observing the truth of the world.
She's skinny, I'm fat. I'm old, she's young. They're wealthy, we're just doing okay.
It sounds like just the truth, except these simple observations are riddled with a subtext about what the comparisons mean. She's skinny, I'm fat. There's a subtext there that implies being skinny is better than being fat.
Same with old and young, wealthy and just okay. Some of our perspective on which is better is no doubt fueled by society's expectations, or the social circles we run in, or how we were raised. But nevertheless, it is each one of us individually who make this perspective our own and then evaluate our lives relative to what we see around us.
It can sound superficial when I give examples of weight or wealth, but the truth is, comparing ourselves stems from our fundamental need for social belonging and safety. Remember that motivational triad I've mentioned in past episodes? Our brains are instinctually geared to keep us safe, seek comfort and pleasure, and to be efficient. In our brain's mind, staying safe involves fitting in in a social group, belonging within that group.
Now, I mentioned before that early man's survival depended on fitting into the group. First, their safety in numbers. They were much more likely to survive the attack of a predator if they were fighting in a group rather than just alone.
This is also why our brains instinctually make us try to avoid feeling isolated and lonely. Have you ever been alone and felt this sense of a threat, even if you were safe in your home with the door locked? Notice how your brain is offering you possible threats, like, some stranger is going to break into my house while I'm alone. This thought might not even occur to you when others are in the house, but suddenly when you're alone, it can feel like a real threat, like a real prospect.
It's so interesting to see how our brains can subconsciously perceive the circumstances of our lives in ways that don't even seem particularly rational when we're these thoughts, but in the moment, we can feel overcome with a sense of danger. So our brains want to fight against isolation, and they also crave social acceptance and a sense of belonging, not only to keep us safe, but to make us feel comfort and even pleasure. We naturally seek connections with others.
We want to feel accepted. But on the flip side of this, to perceive that we fit in, we compare ourselves to others to see how we measure up. Our brains assume that conforming to the group or society standards mean that we'll feel a sense of acceptance or belonging if we do conform.
We also instinctually want to avoid feeling rejected because this feeling also threatens our ability to feel that sense of comfort and belonging, and makes us feel unsafe. I've spent quite a bit of time on this setup for the comparison trap because I truly want to underscore how hardwired we are to compare ourselves to others. I'll coach clients who judge themselves for being judgmental of others.
We've also learned that judging others is bad, and of course we know it doesn't feel good when others are judging us. But aside from judging people to their face or telling others our judgments of them, the bottom line is this activity of our brain is subconscious and automatic. And if we can have a bit of compassion for ourselves that there's a part of our primitive brain, the amygdala, that's engaging in these thought patterns to keep us safe and comfortable, we can start to supervise that part of our brain so we don't show up in our lives in such a reactive way.
Because here's what happens when our brain falls into the comparison trap and we allow those brains to be unsupervised. We evaluate our social groups or even our family's expectation of us, and then we conform to those standards, sometimes going against what we really want for ourselves. We fear being rejected or disappointing others and can engage in people-pleasing behavior.
And ultimately, although we think we're avoiding the pain of rejection or disappointing others, what we really do is disappoint ourselves and foster a flame of resentment for the group we're bending over backwards to fit in with. These same motivations can cause us to try to conform to unrealistic standards, whether that be weight, wealth, or college admissions. The consequence of this trap is that we can feel a constant sense of worry and anxiety that we're not measuring up, or that our kids aren't measuring up.
And I'll give you some examples in just a minute. As I mentioned, we can feel resentful or fake because we're trying so hard to fit in to please others at our own expense. And as we talked about last week, going out of our way to seek approval or external validation can reinforce our brain's perception that we're only worthy if we're gaining that validation or acceptance from others.
It really is so fascinating to see how all of this behavior and the negative consequences, including anxiety, resentment, and insecurity, lack of self-worth, all of this stems from our brain's desire to keep us safe. But it seems it does this at our own expense. Now, as I've been talking about all of this, you can probably imagine all of the ways our own teens may be falling into this trap on a regular basis.
The teen years are fraught with a risk of rejection and a desire to fit in. There are so many different risks and behaviors that our teens might feel compelled to engage in because of this instinctual desire. And in those moments when we witness our child standing up for themselves, not going to the party, or deciding to reject that friend who's so popular but mean, we can both feel proud of them for standing up for who they are and not compromising their own developing values.
And we can also feel a sense of fear about what it might mean if they're rejected back or isolated from the crowd. As moms, I honestly think that our own amygdala fears rejection of our children just as much as we fear being rejected or feeling isolated ourselves. So we want to protect our children, of course, but let's talk about how this comparison trap can show up in our own lives.
Let's focus first on academic achievement. Talk about a system that fuels insecurity of comparison, whether we're talking about GPA or ACT or SAT scores, then the prize of getting into a prestigious college. Our minds' comparisons can create so much anxiety when we think about how our own child stacks up within this landscape.
In high school, in reality, our kids are, quote-unquote, competing against over a million other high school students around the world in each senior class. Our kids are competing against one million other students, but we have no way to compare realistically what our child is doing relative to those million, other than those anxiety-producing kids who end up on Ellen or the Today Show because they're geniuses at age 10. But really, what our minds compare against is the cohort of students at our kids' own high school.
Now, whether your child is a high academic achiever or not, the bottom line is that college admission is so much more competitive than it was when we were growing up. Schools that used to be referred to as safety schools now only admit 15 percent or even less percent of applicants. All this to say, it's very hard not to fall into the comparison trap when looking at your own child's achievements and the unrealistic expectations that seem to be required if our babies are going to get into their dream schools.
I've fallen into this trap myself, highly focused on SAT scores, seeing the achievements of my son's peers and thinking that they should be doing differently to work a little bit harder, seeing other kids engaged in academic competitions and wondering why my own sons didn't want to do the same. Notice how much pressure we can put on ourselves and really on our kids to fit into a mold, to gain acceptance into a prestigious college. What does it mean, honestly, to get into one of the top 100 or top 20 schools? Of course we want our kids to be successful, but does that require admission to Harvard or Stanford or Northwestern? I want to assure you that people who go to those schools also have the opportunity to fail in life.
There are no golden tickets that guarantee happiness. And not every child is destined for college. And so as moms with teens who struggle, whether academically or socially or if they have a mental health or health diagnosis, we can't help but compare where our own child is with where we see other teens.
How much easier would it be for my child if he didn't struggle with depression? If she was just a bit more social, then she wouldn't appear to be so lonely and isolated. I wish she would just try a little more. These sound like judgments of our kids, but also consider how much these judgments are driven by this instinctual desire for us to fit in, for our kids to fit in.
And think about all of the ways that we're comparing our own beautiful kids against these theoretical standards. We want them to be smart, and we think then we'll be able to know that and confirm that they're intelligent when they get into honor societies or win awards or get accepted to their top school. We want them to be happy, and we think we can judge whether or not they are happy if they're seeing their friends regularly and seem to be fitting in.
It can be excruciating going to events at high school and hearing about the successes or social lives of other kids, parents talking about their kids' summers and how productive they were, seeing who made the team, who's getting more playing time, who made it into the school play, hearing about social events that our kids weren't invited to. The last thing we want to do is judge our own kids. But we find ourselves then fighting a barrage of anxiety and discomfort because we might perceive that in small and maybe even big ways, our child just isn't fitting in.
Social media only fuels this fire. Who was invited to that sweet 16? What colleges are they visiting? What group vacation together? What type of vacations can they afford? How interesting is it to consider that when people post about these fabulous achievements or events or vacation, they're also, of course, proud and happy and feel lucky. But also, could it be a bit motivated by a desire to show others how much they fit in, how successful their kids are, or how fabulous their lives are? And this isn't to judge you if you post about your kids' achievements.
We get to brag and absolutely get to feel proud. But then there are others of us who can't help but see the post and compare their own lives and fear that they don't stack up. They don't fit in or meet the high standard.
We can tell ourselves that we don't care and it doesn't matter. But when it comes to our kids, at least I've found that it's a bit harder to talk ourselves off the ledge. A threat to our kids' belonging feels huge.
So what do we do if we sense our kids are not fitting in or not meeting expectations? Well, we judge ourselves first. What did I do wrong? How did I contribute to their challenges? I should have done X, Y, or Z differently when they were growing up. Maybe I need to encourage them to get out more, sign up for more activities, get a tutor.
We can start comparing our parenting styles with other moms. Am I too lenient? Have I not been involved enough? Or maybe I'm too strict. Should I be doing more? All these questions as if there's a right answer, if we could only find it.
We doubt ourselves. We second guess. We judge how we've done it wrong in the past.
I've talked about the comparison trap before, but in the context of expectations. And it's interesting to consider how much of our own expectations are fueled by the comparisons we make between ourselves and our kids and other people around us. Look, our minds are instinctually making these comparisons constantly and also forming expectations around what safety and comfort, happiness and success, what all of this looks like for our kids and for ourselves.
And it's hard to feel successful as a parent, at least from the perspective of our primitive brain, if our child is struggling or unsuccessful. There are also times when we struggle and we can judge ourselves for that. As our kids get older and we look ahead to the empty nest, if we feel lost and anxious, we can compare ourselves to other moms who seem to have it together much more.
Some moms don't seem to struggle as much as we do. Or we perceive that they've worked and maybe that's the key to them feeling better about the transition. And then we beat ourselves up for not having been in a professional career for the past 10 years.
Either way, it's like we decide we're doing it wrong because we feel sad and lost and anxious. Our expectation of ourselves is that it shouldn't be this hard. There must be something wrong with us that it is.
So what do we do with all of this? Our brains compare. We're hardwired to do this. So how do we get out of this mindset trap that creates anxiety, stress, insecurity, resentment, self-doubt, and all of these other negative emotions? Well, the first step is to understand that it's your mind creating these emotions.
The danger our brain is perceiving isn't real. This doesn't mean that your feelings aren't valid, but the feelings are being created in your mind and not because of the true threat to your safety. The danger our brain is trying to avoid is feeling left out, feeling disappointed, lonely, or rejected, unsuccessful.
Don't get me wrong, these feelings are not fun. But here's the trade-off your primitive brain is making. It's desperately trying to avoid feeling disappointed, lonely, and rejected.
So instead, our brain perceives these threats in a way that creates anxiety, insecurity, and self-doubt. Notice how we feel terrible either way. Our minds are powerful, beautiful tools, but unsupervised.
They create a lot of negative emotion that actually keeps us stuck. Staying safe and avoiding all risk actually keeps us from growing and trying new things. Fitting in while giving up who we really are leads us to actually reject ourselves rather than be rejected by others.
So what if we could be willing to feel disappointment, loneliness, and rejection? Actually willing to feel those things? What if we could be willing to love our own children through those same feelings? The reality of life is that we will feel those feelings eventually. We can't keep ourselves safe from disappointment or loneliness or even rejection. How is your mind in its effort to keep you and your teen safe creating unnecessary anxiety and self-doubt? This isn't necessarily about feeling better or feeling happy all the time.
It's about being intentional with the emotional experience that you want to create in your life. Being intentional with the reality of what your teen might need to go through in their lives. How are you falling into the comparison trap, my friend? Have you created the expectations you have for your life and your teen's life on purpose? Or are you basing these expectations on what you think life should look like? Notice the next time you observe your brain comparing and ask yourself, what do I really truly want here? The answer most likely is not to keep yourself safe.
Until next time, friends.
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