MINDSET TRAP #13 - OVERGENERALIZATION
Welcome to the Small Jar Podcast, where we moms of teens find the power to step off the emotional rollercoaster between motherhood and the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins. Episode number 89.
Hello, my friends, and welcome to the Small Jar Podcast. This is a place for moms of teens and adult children to find peace and confidence in the empty nest straddle. This is what I call being stuck between motherhood and the empty nest.
Really being torn between feeling the need to help our kids be safe, happy, and successful, and the realization that they don't need or want us to do this for them anymore. Or, for some of our kids, maybe they do still need us, and we worry they shouldn't. Or, honestly, we find we simply can't make them be safe, happy, and successful as easily as we did when they were little.
We love our kids more than anything else in this world, so the pain of this powerlessness makes perfect sense. My goal with this podcast and my coaching program is to help you find where you do have power in your life and with your kids. In this episode, I'm returning to the topic of mindset traps.
In fact, I started this series last September, and I've covered 12 traps so far. And believe it or not, I have one or two still to cover. But before I dive in, I thought I'd take a moment to introduce myself for those of you who have just found this podcast.
My name is Jennifer Collins, and I'm a Master Certified Life Coach. What does it mean to be a Master Coach, you might ask? Well, the process for me to achieve this next level of Master Certification as a coach required me to demonstrate mastery of this work in a number of ways. But most significantly for me, it was overcoming one of the biggest challenges I've ever faced in my life.
And that was my work in navigating an experience with one of my sons that I honestly wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I'm the mother of two sons, one who's currently a junior in high school and the other a freshman in college. Someone honestly must have been watching over me to have brought me the tools of life coaching to prepare me for what my son went through.
Really, what I went through as I grappled with his experience. You could say that everything happens for a reason. I originally discovered life coaching because I was starting to believe my nightly wine habit was a problem.
I wanted to stop drinking a glass or two of wine a night, but I found it incredibly difficult to not drink every night. I was intrigued to learn that the core of my problem wasn't actually the well-practiced habit of drinking, but rather that this habit was solving a problem for me. In other words, in my mind, the problem was a solution, which made it almost impossible to withstand the urge to drink.
Essentially, I was using alcohol as a crutch to relieve my feelings of stress and anxiety and to try to capture a little bit of short-term peace and relief from my life. What I learned as I became familiar with thought work is that the way I was thinking about my life was creating my feelings of stress and anxiety, but that I had an opportunity to learn how to solve for those feelings in a new way. And thank God I did, because I was stressed in my life before my boys became teens, and with each passing year, I noticed that I stopped feeling quite as successful as a mom.
I felt like I was getting it wrong a lot and totally unequipped to help my boys manage the emotional roller coaster of high school, although this only exacerbated my overall feelings of stress, now compounded with anxiety and frustration. The ability to manage my mind and emotional experience has allowed me to not only let go of anxiety and frustration, but to create peace and confidence in every area of my life, and most importantly, to be able to show up for my two sons and for myself exactly the way I want without guilt, regret, anxiety, anger, and sadness leading the way. It is such a powerful feeling to not be a victim to negative emotions.
I always thought these feelings were caused by life not going my way, but this is the lie that keeps us powerless. Is it easier to blame the circumstances of our lives for our feelings? I actually don't think it is. In fact, it's easier to take responsibility for our thoughts and emotions, but no one's ever shown us how to do it.
The reality of life is it's going to throw us some challenges. That's just a given, especially as moms with kids. Our hearts are out in the world, exposed to danger and disappointment, and there is quite literally nothing we can do to protect them from all of it, all of the time.
Not that we don't try. But the question is, as a mom, do you want to keep being a victim to the challenges of your kids' lives, or do you want to learn the skill of taking responsibility for your emotional life so that you are always in the driver's seat when it comes to how you show up in your life? This is the process I teach in my program, Mom 2.0, and these are the concepts I explore in each and every one of these episodes of the podcast, applying these tools to the many areas of life that we might find challenging in the emptiness straddle. So for this episode, let's get back to mindset traps.
You can go back and explore any of the past episodes on mindset traps that I've released so far, and feel free to listen to them in any order. Even if you're not sure a particular trap applies to you, listen in. Because even as I've been exploring each trap in detail, I've been surprised to find the insidious ways they show up in my life still.
Even as a master coach, my mind still acts like a toddler with a knife sometimes, which is why the process of mindset work is a skill set I use on a daily basis. So let's review real quick. What are mindset traps, and why do they matter? I mentioned before that my mind is like a toddler with a knife.
In fact, all of our minds are like this. Our brains are powerful tools, but when unsupervised, they can be dangerous. But that doesn't mean that there's something wrong with our minds.
They're just doing what they're designed to do. Namely, to help us seek pleasure, avoid pain, and to be efficient. This is often referred to as the motivational triad, which has played a critical role in our evolution and survival as a species.
Instinctually seeking pleasure and avoiding pain are fairly self-explanatory, but the instinct to be efficient is an interesting one. One example of this is how our brain forms habits. Rather than having to relearn how to do something, for example, relearn how to drive a car, the brain creates neural pathways that make driving a car an efficient process that you don't even need to think about.
This frees our minds up for more important things. But sometimes these habits or shortcuts our brains take don't serve us. In fact, one way these shortcuts wreak havoc is by distorting our perspective about our lives.
Distorting the lens through which we observe the circumstances of our lives. And many of these mindset traps are examples of this. But again, our brain's instinctual motivation to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and be efficient is actually our brains working exactly as they're meant to be.
It's a beautiful thing, much of the time. But when we're aware of how these instincts can work against us, that's when we start learning the skill of supervising our brains, so that we can decide on purpose how we want to feel and act in our lives. Now, in past episodes, I've covered many of the mindset traps we can experience and how they will apply to us as moms during this transitional stage of our lives.
In past episodes, I've covered catastrophizing, validation seeking, all-or-nothing thinking, mom guilt, and many more. Today, I want to focus on the mindset trap of overgeneralization, which we could also call oversimplification. It's drawing sweeping conclusions or making broad assumptions about a person, a situation, or an experience based on limited evidence or a small number of instances.
So something happens once or a few times, and we start thinking that it will always happen, or that this is just the way it is. We can make broad assumptions about situations, about people, or types of people, and we can also do this to ourselves. What are some examples? Well, we can observe behavior in our teen or situations with our teen, and we can then generalize that behavior to how they are in general.
Let's say our teen brings home a bad test grade or two in math. We might start to believe that our child isn't good at math. Maybe if our child is struggling with their classes, we might conclude that they'll always struggle.
Or our teens could forget to do their chores a few times, and then we might start thinking our kids are lazy or that they're generally irresponsible in other aspects of their life. Maybe our kid doesn't want to go out on the weekends, maybe even expresses to us at some point that they don't feel connected to friends at school. We might overgeneralize by thinking that they're having difficulty socially or that they're not a social person.
If our teen is moody or irritable, then we might believe that we'll always have a difficult relationship with our child. Notice how overgeneralization can involve making these sweeping assumptions about someone's character now or assumptions about how they'll always be as they get older. Some of us have kids already in college or even who have graduated from college.
We might observe our adult kids struggling to have healthy relationships with friends or romantic partners and then worry that they'll always have difficulty with these relationships. Maybe if they've had a hard time landing a job after college, we could worry that they're destined to fail to realize their career goals. Our teens could experience a period of depression or anxiety, and we could then conclude that they'll always struggle with their mental health.
Now I'm just going to say it right off that these conclusions don't seem entirely off base. Look, we're moms. We know our kids, right? We've been observing them for their entire lives.
If they struggle with something, we might even be able to point to the past behavior or character traits, going back to when they were infants even, that seem to back up our conclusions about what's going on with our kids. But it may be worth really questioning these assumptions. Do we really truly know our teens and who they are right now? Or have we simply practiced a story we have about them and who they are? Have we in fact over-generalized our belief about who they are based on a very few number of data points? Honestly, even if we reflect the data points are not isolated instances but patterns of behavior that we've observed consistently over many years, even then, how can we really know if our picture of who our child is is accurate? My older son demonstrated an interest in math in fourth grade.
He self-studied. He talked about math all the time. It didn't seem like I was way off base for believing that he was a math kid.
But we had a really difficult time in our relationship during his junior year and he pushed against me hard for my assumptions about what it meant for him to be a math kid. Even though he agreed that he really still loved math, what did that really mean in terms of who he was? What does it mean to be a math kid? I meant it as a compliment and yet at times to him it felt like a burden, something he had to live up to. And if even an over-generalized compliment can create pressure, just think about how we can create pressure by over-generalizing our more negative opinions about our kids.
They roll their eyes and then we start calling them disrespectful. They struggle for a period of time in one area and then we believe they'll always struggle. We painfully over-generalize ourselves as well, all the time, but this can have truly negative repercussions.
For example, if we start to experience anxiety as our teens become independent, getting their driver's license, going out with friends we don't know, we can start to believe that we'll always struggle with anxiety as our kids grow up. We feel overwhelmed and sad at the thought of our kids going to college and we could assume that we'll always struggle with the empty nest. Women have even expressed to me that they feel dread thinking about that time because they've already concluded that they'll feel terrible in the future.
If you feel a loss of purpose as you approach or transition to the empty nest, you can assume that you will always feel a void in your life and struggle to find fulfillment. These are just a few examples of how we can over-generalize how we'll feel in the future based on a few instances of feeling those feelings right now. We also over-generalize our perspective of who we are.
For example, if our teen gets mad at us, we start calling ourselves a bad mom. Or if our child calls us controlling, we decide that there's something wrong with us that we can't let go. We might feel anxiety that we can't seem to get a hold of and then we start to think that we are an anxious person or just not capable of managing the lives.
Now, in a past episode, I covered the mindset trap of labeling, which is definitely related to this trap of over-generalization. And here's how they're different. Labeling is when we assign a fixed, usually negative label to a person or a group of people, or maybe to just ourselves, based on a particular behavior, trait, or characteristic.
For example, if someone breaks something, we might label them as clumsy. If our teen breaks rules, we might label them as rebellious. It's basically categorizing certain behavior and giving a name to it.
Labeling helps us make sense of our environment by organizing information into clear categories. Over-generalization might involve labeling, but this mindset trap operates on a much more automatic and subconscious level of cognitive processing. If we're labeling, we're consciously assigning a word or a phrase to a person or a group of people.
Whereas the assumptions or conclusions we make about a person or a situation with the mindset trap of over-generalization are much more subconscious, making it much more difficult to recognize that we're falling into this trap. And then both of these mindset traps, labeling and over-generalization, can make us fall into yet another mindset trap I've covered in the past, and that's cognitive bias. Because when we label or over-generalize, we can then focus on the behavior or data that affirms the label we've assigned or the conclusion we've drawn about someone or the situation.
So again, if we label our teen as rebellious and over-generalize to conclude that this is who they are and that this will have implications about the type of trouble they're likely to get into now and in the future, then our minds will tend to focus on the behavior or information that reinforces this perception. Now it's really powerful to consistently remind ourselves that there's nothing wrong with us that our minds fall into these traps. As I touched on earlier and many times throughout this series, mindset traps are related to our inherent motivation to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and conserve energy through efficiency.
So how does over-generalization relate to this motivational triad? Well first, over-generalization involves simplifying complex situations, which allows us to avoid the discomfort of uncertainty. Think about this for a moment. Our minds would rather be certain, even if it's being certain about something negative, because our brains literally perceive that it's better to be certain about something negative than to be uncertain.
Over-generalization might also help us avoid emotional discomfort or pain because thinking about potentially painful situations or interactions in a simplified, broad, or even vague way is our mind's way of shielding us from what it might perceive as additional pain. I often find when women come to me they have a hard time even identifying the feelings they're experiencing, or they might just generalize to explain that they feel terrible or anxious or sad. It's almost like they don't want to have to dive in deeper for fear of having to experience more pain if they really dig into it.
I'll often describe it as having a locked closet door that we shove all of our emotions into and we don't want to look into it because whatever's in there seems like it'll be worse if we really have to look inside. Better to close that door and label it sadness or anxiety. Now when it comes to our kids and the way we might make sweeping assumptions about their behavior and what it means, about who they are or what the future might hold, this involves us trying to avoid pain in a totally different way.
I've spoken often about how we as moms feel inherently responsible for keeping our kids safe, happy, and helping them be successful. And when we observe our kids struggling, we can overgeneralize that this will be a problem in the future and then we go on high alert, feeling an urgent need to fix the problem now to avoid the pain that we think we'll experience in the future if this behavior or situation continues as we predict, or overgeneralize that it will. All of these traps involve some kind of mental shortcut to help our brains conserve effort or energy.
Overgeneralization allows us to avoid having to carefully consider all of the nuances and factors involved in any given situation. Let's face it, humans are complex and every situation has many interpretations, so our brains think that broad generalizations allow us to make quicker decisions. It is absolutely helpful that our minds are efficient.
If our minds weren't able to form these efficient neural pathways, we would be mired with having to relearn or consider how to do even the most basic tasks in life, striving to work or cooking a meal. Because our brains are efficient, they can shortcut these processes and free our minds up for much bigger, more visionary thinking. But these mindset traps hurt us when we don't take the time to question the conclusions we draw about our lives.
The way we think directly impacts how we feel and how we show up, how we behave and how we act, what we say and what we do. So if we don't stop to question the conclusions we've drawn about our lives and the most important people in our lives, then we run the risk of showing up in ways we regret or in ways that hurt our relationships because we're operating on autopilot. As I think about this mindset trap, I believe it's one that every single one of us engage in on a regular basis and we don't even see it as a trap.
Honestly, we just believe that our conclusions are true. In fact, we can believe our perceptions about our lives and our kids are so true that we cling to these beliefs. One of the things I work with my clients on a regular basis is asking them to really analyze the conclusions they've made about their lives and decide on purpose whether or not these conclusions are in fact true, whether they would choose them again.
And often what they'll find is some of these conclusions are so well-practiced, it's hard for them to let go right away. The beliefs we've practiced truly do feel so true. And ultimately, it's not up to me to tell you what's true or not.
Honestly, whether or not you can prove your details with hard data, if you believe something, it's true for you right now, full stop. But it's actually less important for us to have to justify our beliefs one way or the other than it is for us to be honest with ourselves about the implications of our beliefs. And here's something really important to consider.
When we overgeneralize or make broad conclusions about our teens or other people in our lives, we can inadvertently undermine trust, communication, and the well-being of these relationships. For example, when we make sweeping conclusions about how our teen is acting based on limited instances, these assumptions might cause us to feel frustrated, angry, or to lose our trust in our kids, which might make us less likely to listen to our kids or to try to understand why they might be acting the way that they are. When we jump to conclusions about our child's behavior without considering the context or potential complexities of the situation, our kids might perceive this as a lack of trust in their judgment and capabilities.
If we both overgeneralize and then label our teens, our teens might internalize these labels and actually develop a negative self-image, which could have a negative impact on their confidence and emotional well-being, the exact opposite of what we would want for them. Overgeneralization is also counterproductive if it stifles our teens' growth and independence. Look, our kids are growing up trying to figure out who they are, and sometimes that does involve them needing to push away from us to figure out who they are separate from us, even to test boundaries.
But when we overgeneralize, we could act in a way that discourages our kids from realizing the growth that comes from engaging in new experiences and developing their own separate identity. It's not hard to see how all of this can lead to increased arguments and resistance from our kids. We see their behavior as a problem with serious implications now and in the future.
We are, as moms, trying our best to help our kids avoid these negative outcomes. But in the process, we're also shutting down the lines of communication, demonstrating to our kids that we don't trust them, and limiting their ability to spread their wings. It's not a coincidence that the women who come to me looking for coaching because they want to improve their relationship with their teens, find very quickly that by understanding their own minds, they see a very quick turnaround in their relationships with their kids.
And let me be clear, every single one of these moms loves their children and is trying their best. But they, like every single one of the rest of us, are falling into the mindset trap of overgeneralization with their teens. And when they start to dig deeper and just be curious, ask questions about what they believe, and if that's the full picture, it's amazing how quickly these moms develop an increased feeling of empathy for their kids.
We are doing the best we can as moms. Could it be that this is also true of our teens? I say often that the time we have left with our kids at home is fleeting, but this trap robs us of the opportunity to truly appreciate our children for who they are, from enjoying the chance to fully connect with our kids during their final years and months at home with us. I can't think of a greater gift for a mom than to be able to overcome these mindset traps and deepen their relationship with their children as they transition to this next stage of parenting, the consultant rather than the cop.
What about the relationship we have with ourselves? This mindset trap of overgeneralization can actually exacerbate our feelings of loss and loneliness as we approach and transition to the empty nest. When we overgeneralize our feelings and assume we'll always feel a sense of emptiness or a lack of purpose, then we rob ourselves of the ability to create a new sense of fulfillment, to know that we created the beautiful purpose of being a mom, and we also have the ability to create an equally beautiful feeling of purpose and fulfillment in our lives, separate from our role as a mom. The worst part of this trap is that we don't even see it as a trap.
The way we view our lives just feels so true. The conclusions we've drawn about our teens, ourselves, our lives, all of it. Imagine what might be different if you were willing to question it, every single part of it.
This is the power of life coaching. Not a diagnosis, but a process of self-discovery. Not a confirmation about everything that's wrong with you or with your teen and how your past reinforces all of it, but a process of deciding that even though your past might have brought you to where you are now, that the future is a blank canvas.
Even your own current experience is an opportunity for you to decide right now what you want to believe and why. You have the ability to create a powerful relationship with your teens, with yourself, and with your future. The first step is overcoming this trap, questioning the broad conclusions you're making about everything in your life.
What if you get to re-decide all of it right now? This is the process of becoming Mom 2.0. You have more power than you think you do.
Until next time, my friends.
If you enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review and check out our coaching program Mom 2.0 at www.thesmalljar.com. You have more power than you think, my friend.
