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Welcome to the Small Jar Podcast, where we moms of teens find the power to step off the emotional rollercoaster between motherhood and the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins. Episode number 109.
Hello, my friends, and welcome back to the Mom Archetype series, where I celebrate our unique strengths as moms who love their kids and are always doing our best. Today, I want to talk about the Mentor Mom Archetype. But first, I want to invite you to drop the self-judgment.
You know, this is actually the one thing that I probably remind my clients of the most — to let go of the judgment. So many of us who are attracted to this work of self-development, we want to improve and grow. We want to feel more empowered and present in our lives.
And so we think that what's required is for us to be a better version of ourselves. On the one hand, there's something very positive about wanting to improve. In most things in life, we'd say there's always room for improvement.
I don't think this mindset is necessarily a bad thing. But what often happens is that we use this as an opportunity to judge ourselves. If there's room for improvement, then that must mean that there's something wrong with me that I need to fix.
And many of us have been doing this work, in one way or another, for a while. So we think we've developed a certain self-awareness of what our challenges are. Women will come to me saying, I know I'm a people pleaser.
I need to work on standing up for myself and saying no. They'll say, I know I'm a perfectionist. I want things a certain way and I have a hard time letting go of my high standards.
Women will tell me I'm anxious, controlling, insecure, not enough. And some will say that they've discovered this through therapy or counseling. And the thing is, they've done the work to identify areas of challenge for them, maybe even uncovered some of the influences or experiences that have contributed to where they are.
And this is important work. And now that they've identified these challenges, they want to figure out how to show up in a different way. But think about this.
If I think I'm a perfectionist, like literally this is who I am, my identity, and then I tell myself I should really be able to let go of perfection, accept things the way they are. Except in my day-to-day life, I want things the way I want them. I don't really want to drop my high standards.
I'm a perfectionist, by the way. But then when I feel disappointed in myself or in others, when my expectations aren't met, I judge myself for being a perfectionist. It's like the circular trap that we can't get out of.
There's something wrong with me, but it's who I am. So I don't know how to fix it. There is a risk with all of this self-development work that we judge and label ourselves based on concepts that we learn.
This work is about increasing self-awareness. It's about understanding your own mind and your emotional experience. But if you approach this work from a place of judgment, what you're going to see when you look inside of yourself are areas for improvement rather than an understanding of all of the ways you're already doing your best.
You might find flaws and things you need to fix rather than emotions and reactions that actually make perfect sense. I've told the story before about how when my son used to game all the time, it drove me crazy. I would nag and yell at him all the time because I just wanted him to stop.
We would eventually get in an argument and my son would get angry and close himself off. Then I'd feel guilty. I was clearly parenting wrong in my mind.
I wasn't able to approach the situation with patience. I told myself I was terrible at setting boundaries. This is how I judged myself and my parenting in that situation.
And the judgment only led me to feel terrible about myself. It didn't force me to change. As much as we sometimes think that beating ourselves up will make us learn to be better, it just doesn't ever work.
What it does is make us feel terrible. Kind of like starvation dieting. It seems like the fastest way to lose weight except it makes us miserable and then we only end up eating more in the long run.
It backfires. I wonder how the judgment you have for where you are right now might be holding you back from moving forward with your goals. This doesn't necessarily mean we need to live into this fairy tale perfect version of ourselves.
I think on the one hand, most of us would probably say that we're not trying to be perfect. But at the same time, we're fairly sure that whoever we are right now isn't good enough. We haven't even defined in our minds exactly where the bar is, but for sure it's higher than where I am.
Maybe it's the culture we live in, the constant pressure to always be growing and improving. Like if you're not striving to be better, you're staying stagnant. Which only exacerbates this belief that we're not good enough exactly where we are right now.
Because that is a choice you can make, my friend. That where you are right now is exactly enough. In fact, it's a possibility I want to invite you to strongly consider.
What if you already are enough? What if there was nothing about you that needs fixing? Could you imagine approaching this work focusing not on what you think is wrong with you, but rather on what's right with you and what's possible for you right now? The work I do with my clients is about first embracing where you are right now, then deciding intentionally to trust yourself to be who you want to be. And the amazing thing is, nothing about you needs to change in this process other potentially than the way you think about yourself. This is the perfect lead-in to the mentor-mom archetype because in our effort as moms to play the mentor, the coach, the cheerleader, our strength is that we believe in our kids and believe they have the potential already within them to be exactly who they want to be.
But in supporting our kids through their own process of self-discovery and growth, we can sometimes be vulnerable to this same judgment, the same belief that there's something wrong that needs to change or to improve. And so as much as I'm going to focus today on how this plays out in our relationships with our kids, I think most of us play this mentor role with ourselves too. We all set a really high bar for ourselves as moms.
We want our kids to be safe, happy, and successful. In fact, we want it so much that we take it on as our personal responsibility to help them make it happen. You've been doing this for decades now, keeping them safe, from the way you installed baby gates in your home to tracking them on Life 360 Now to make sure they're on their way home safely.
You've been making them happy from those times you were up all night responding to their cries to cooking their favorite foods when they're stressed out at school or giving them extra money when they go out with friends. We've wanted them to be successful. We read to them.
We cheered them on when they were crawling and walking. And now we're still cheering them on at games and performances as they head out on a date or take a test. We have a vision of who they have the potential to be that best version of themselves.
And we would do anything to help them realize it. What an incredible commitment we've made to this beautiful vision. There's actually a guy on TikTok whose focus is talking to kids about how awesome their mom is.
He makes me cry every time I see him. I'm telling you. He'll say, you know who believes in you even when you don't believe in yourself? Your mom.
You know who stays up late worrying about you when you're off living your best life? Your mom. You know who would do anything for you? Your mom. I mean, we all need this guy in our heads, our own personal cheerleader celebrating all of the ways we show up for our kids every single minute of every day.
You're welcome, by the way. So the mentor. This is the fourth and final archetype of this Smalljar series.
In past episodes, I've covered the guardian, the achiever, and the nurturer. So these mom archetypes are Smalljar's mom-focused enneagram style of our strengths as moms. Each of the four archetypes portrays a woman who loves her kids and tries her best.
You wouldn't be listening to this podcast if that wasn't you, my friend. These models offer us a way of understanding our strengths and also our vulnerabilities. But we could each fall into any one of these archetypes in different situations or at different stages in our lives.
These types are about who we are as moms, but also who we are as women and how we relate to our responsibility and role as a mother. So you can find the mom archetype quiz on my website www.thesmalljar.com if you haven't already taken it to see which of the types you lean into. So the mentor mom archetype.
You could even think of this as the cheerleader. She's the guiding force in her children's lives. She offers support, encouragement, and she believes with all of her heart in her child's potential.
She wants them to flourish and become the best versions of themselves. In fact, the mentor's most powerful strength lies in her ability to encourage and support her children. She's a motivator.
Consider how empowering it feels to have this kind of mom in your corner, encouraging her child, making them feel valued, building up their self-esteem and confidence. Not all of us had this kind of mom. In fact, our understanding of the importance of emotional health and well-being has really evolved since we all grew up.
And so it could be that we as parents put a bigger emphasis on supporting our kids in this way. We're also actively involved in our kids' lives. You might have had a mom who was involved in your life growing up.
But as we've grown up as moms, it feels like this involvement has gone on steroids. Maybe social media has fueled this. The more we see other moms showing up at every game and performance, hosting the best birthday parties, taking their kids on adventures and vacations, we can't help but compare, and maybe feel like we have to live up to that with our own kids as well.
But even so, as much as I'll admit, I had a lot of guilt about what I was and wasn't able to do to show up for my boys when they were growing up, as much as it wasn't always easy. It was also a gift. I may have hours and hours of bad iPhone videos for performances and events that I might never watch again, but I was there, as much as I could be, cheering my boys on.
And that's been a gift to them and also to me. As I mentioned, the mentor mom believes in her child's potential. And I think of this as believing in their potential as a whole being.
We believe and hope for the possibility that our kids will be happy in their life, that they'll take advantage of all of their natural gifts, that they'll work hard and go after what they want. We see the best in our kids, and we see it as our privilege and responsibility to help them recognize and develop these strengths. Throughout your child's life, how often have you encouraged them to try something new, paid for music lessons, sports teams, art lessons? As they've gotten older, you've played a role in helping them pick classes, make good use of their summers, encouraging them to get a part-time job and to volunteer, to be responsible around the house.
From teaching practical life skills to supporting our kids' talents and passions, there is nothing the mentor mom wouldn't do to help her kids be that best version of themselves. The mentor mom has a clear vision of what she wants for her teen, and she's also learned from her own experiences and mistakes. So she wants to pass this guidance and wisdom on to her kids.
Growing up isn't easy. We all remember struggling socially in middle school and high school, fights with friends, that first love, the teacher we hated. We empathize so much with our kids' experience that we want to support them through these struggles.
We may even have a hope that somehow we can save them from this suffering. I've had quite a few clients tell me that they really hope their teen won't get hurt by their boyfriend or girlfriend, as if that's something that they could control, or even that it's something that's not supposed to happen. But there are also really important lessons and warnings we want to pass on to our kids, like staying away from drugs, never drinking and driving.
These are dangers that we desperately want our kids to avoid. And how frustrating is it that sometimes our kids seem hell-bent on learning these lessons the hard way? The fact is, sometimes we do know better. And the mentor mom tries her best to help her teens navigate the challenges of growing up.
She has a deep and genuine desire to see her children succeed and thrive. As with the other mom archetypes, the mentor has a high degree of empathy. She's tapped into her teen's emotions and needs and tries her best to have open communication and a strong bond with her child.
Like any coach, the mentor of course wants a positive relationship with her child, but also understands that to really be effective in her goal of guiding her child, her ability to be effective in this role really requires this strong relationship to be there. I think this can be why those moments when our kids pull away really test the mentor, because she wants to guide and encourage her child. And when she feels like she's being shut out of this role, or that her guidance isn't valued, she can feel especially hurt and disconnected.
Despite all of the challenges the mentor mom faces, she tries her best to keep a positive attitude. She tries to see the best in every situation and tries to teach her child to do the same. In this way she models resilience and the ability to look on the bright side even in times of challenge.
The mentor has the ability to be flexible, pragmatic, and assertive. She adjusts her approach as her child's needs change. Much like a coach, she'll try different ways to teach and guide to fit her teen's personality, circumstances, and even changing moods.
I've said before that any of us might lean into any one of these mom archetypes at different stages and circumstances with our kids. In fact, I see a bit of each of these types in all of us. As I was creating these models, it strikes me that there are some similarities between some of the archetypes, and I thought I would address some of the key distinctions here.
All four of these archetypes are focused on supporting their teen's safety, happiness, and success, and see themselves as responsible for helping their kids achieve it. The nurturer is focused on unconditional love and acceptance. The guardian is more focused on protecting her kids, primarily in the sense of physical and emotional safety.
The achiever promotes her child's success and achievement, and sees it as her responsibility to help her child work through situations that stand in their way. For example, we might reach out to a teacher to ask them to give our child help. We might want to help our child navigate the world and advocate for themselves so that they can be successful.
In contrast, the mentor is focused on helping coach her child to be the person who reaches their full potential. Their potential to do the right thing, make good choices, be happy, and strive for personal success. The mentor is focused on the whole picture of her teen and their well-being.
Their potential as a human. You can even think of these mom archetypes as the four puzzle pieces that make up the whole picture of who we are as moms. Sometimes the guardian piece is the largest.
In other situations, it might be the mentor. My son is traveling in Europe right now with three friends. You better believe that I am in full guardian mode, even though I know there's very little I can do to protect him on another continent.
This same son is applying to college in the fall. The achiever in me is working with him to make productive use of this summer so that he can get some of the applications done before school starts again in September. In a perfect world.
A few weeks ago, my son was sad and opened up to me. I was in full nurturer mom mode, loving him unconditionally, providing a safe space for him to be who he is. And the mentor mom in me is enjoying long talks with my oldest son about love and life.
I believe so much in this young man and I know how beautiful his heart is. And I'm relishing the gift of him opening up to me again, but also having the chance to share wisdom from my own experiences about finding love. These archetypes reflect this beautiful range of strengths that we offer our kids and also the gifts that we get to enjoy ourselves as we experience life with our teens.
But as with all of these archetypes, our strengths also translate into certain vulnerabilities. So let's dive into these for the mentor. So the flip side of the mentor's belief in her child's potential is that she's vulnerable to the judgment mindset.
Look, we all judge. I know we think we shouldn't, but it's just a fact that we do. Our minds judge.
You might've heard that concept that our primitive brains are constantly on the lookout for danger. It's what fuels our fight or flight response. Without any need for conscious thought, our brains and bodies will react automatically to keep us alive.
But did you know that our primitive brains also view being an outcast as a life or death situation? Think about it. When we lived in tribes, if you were cast out of the community and lost the protection of the tribe, you likely die. Of course, this isn't our experience now, but today's version of being cast out looks like feeling lonely or hurt, not fitting in, having fights with friends, not doing well in school or not being successful.
So it's like our brains are trying to guard against our kids being cast out. We don't want them to have to suffer this pain. And as our kids coach their mentor, our brains are in the lookout for danger so we can help guide them to safety, happiness, and success.
So for the mentor, here's where she finds the danger. She finds it by looking for flaws or risk factors in our kids. My friends, we all do it.
Stop telling yourself you're a bad mom for doing it. Consider this judgment is the flip side of your desire to support and encourage and champion your child. So let's look at the specific ways we judge.
First, we label. If our kid plays video games all weekend, we might call them lazy. If they forget to do their chores, we call them irresponsible.
If they don't have many friends, we might say that they're not social or a loner. If one of your kids excels academically, you might think of her as the smart one. Another might be the athlete.
On the one hand, these labels are just adjectives we're using to describe behavior or attributes. But this becomes a mindset trap or an unproductive way of thinking when we put stock in these labels, meaning we start to look at our kids differently or in a narrow way because of these labels. A related trap is overgeneralization.
This is when we take the labels we give to our kids and then make broad conclusions about what these labels or attributes mean about them, their abilities, and their future. The mentor mom is so focused on helping her teen reach their potential that she can't help but see some behaviors or attributes as risks for failure. So for example, if your child has trouble making friends in high school, the mentor mom might label her child a loner or not social and then project that this child will always struggle to find friends and make connections.
She might then, based on this assessment, push her child to be social and make friends. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but if this is something your child struggles with, it's helpful to be aware of whether your desire to coach them through this challenge is something they need or a response to your own perception that this is a problem that's only going to get worse. This is the difference between encouraging them and potentially making them feel like you think they have a problem socially.
As another example, overgeneralization might have you thinking if your child gets low grades that they struggle in school and that they don't have interest in being successful academically. This could be true in some respects, but notice when you think of this as indicative of who your child is, you risk reacting to them or treating them in ways that assumes that this is all they're capable of doing or being. We can't force our kids to do something they really don't want to do, but consider why the mentor is so dedicated to cheering her child on.
Because she believes in their potential. But as her kids grow up, they may struggle in different ways. Imagine the negative impact on how we might show up as moms if we no longer believe in our child's potential in some aspect of their life because of the way we're overgeneralizing something that they're doing.
The third mindset trap the mentor can fall into is mind reading or assuming she knows what's going on in her teen's head without really knowing. Remember, the mentor is looking to coach her child. She's looking for opportunities to guide and encourage, maybe even correct when necessary.
So when the mentor makes assumptions about what her teen is thinking and feeling about what their actions mean, it can lead to misunderstandings and conflict, particularly when the mentor acts on her assumptions. The last vulnerability of this archetype is emotional reasoning, and this one's relevant to all of the mom archetypes, but it's worth reiterating here. Emotional reasoning is when you let your feelings dictate how you perceive a situation or interpret your teen's actions.
I mentioned before that the for signs that something's wrong, that our teens aren't living into who they have the potential to be. But we often notice our emotional reaction well before we've had a chance to intentionally think through a situation. Let's say you asked your son to put out the garbage, but then you come home and you see it hasn't been taken out.
You get angry, and this anger feels like proof that your kid has done something wrong. You go storming into his room and you let him know he's let you down, only to learn from him that he realized it was a holiday so the trash guy wasn't coming for another day. And he's right.
This is just a small example of how our feelings don't mean something's true. That's not to say that our feelings aren't valid, but our feelings are always based on how we're thinking about a situation, and how we're thinking about the situation isn't always the truth. The pitfall of emotional reasoning is that it can lead to misunderstandings and ultimately undermine the mentor's ability to offer effective guidance and feedback to her team.
So the mentor is her kid's biggest cheerleader. She's a coach, a guide, a trusted advisor. That word, trust, it's worth considering here.
Because in order for any of us to accept advice and guidance from another person, we have to trust them. On one level, we hope our kids trust us, but as they explore who they are and try to figure out who they are separate from us, for them it's part of their developmental process to start to distrust us a little bit, or at least to question everything we say and believe. This can be challenging for us mentors, because for so long we've been the trusted champion and guide for our kids.
They've relied on us and trusted that we knew what to do. That changes as our kids grow up. And that's not a bad thing necessarily, although sometimes it doesn't feel great.
The mentor mom can celebrate her dedication to her child's potential and her track record of doing everything in her power to encourage and guide her kids. But as her kids grow up, she may be vulnerable to judgment, forming negative opinions about her teen's choices and actions, maybe demonstrating her disappointment or offering criticism. At times when we show up from a place of judgment, we constrain our relationship with our kids.
But for me, the solution isn't to let go of my expectations, and definitely not to let go of my belief in my boy's potential. I still have expectations and preferences about how my boys engage with their lives, but I now understand in my own mind, I take ownership of my expectations, setting boundaries when necessary, even sharing my advice when it's not always welcome. But in the process, I'm cultivating my belief that my boys are also working to believe in their potential as much as I do.
They might just need to get there in a way that looks different from what I hope and expect. I've said before that the journey of raising teens isn't about getting it right. It's about trusting yourself to do what's right for your child.
The mentoring you believes in your teen's potential, that is so incredibly powerful. As I said, every one of us should be so lucky to have someone so firm in their corner. Every one of us should be so lucky to have someone so firmly in their corner, cheering them on, believing in them against all odds.
And let's face it, there will be odds. There will be many bumps along the way. Our kids will make some poor choices.
They may have regrets and disappointments and heartbreaks. No matter how hard we try to guide them to avoid this pain. Maybe the role of the mentor isn't about helping our kids get everything perfectly right, but it's helping them navigate the wins and the losses, helping them put their all into preparing for the game, healing from injuries, learning how to bounce back, figuring out how to navigate relationships and life, a life that will be filled with joy and also pain.
In my own role as a mom, I aspire to be a mentor mom to my child. A trusted coach and advisor who is always there when they need me, but who also understands the game is there to play. I'm just here on the sidelines cheering them on.
I've learned to notice my labeling, my over generalizations, and my mind reading. I notice when my brain goes there and I take the information that's worth considering and I let the rest go. My judgments are my brain's way of trying to assess where I should step in to find the danger, to find the opportunity to guide.
But ultimately, it's up to my boys to take or leave my advice. And in respecting this relationship as they become adults, I'm only building the trust they have in me as their mentor. It's a privilege, not a right.
It's a gift. And I feel honored when my boys allow me to play that role. Imagine finding the peace and confidence to trust yourself, to be the mom you want to be for your child, the trusted advisor, the mentor without judgment.
This is the work we do in my coaching program, Mom 2.0. You already know who you want to be as a mom and as a woman approaching your next chapter. That version of you is already within you. To learn how to trust yourself to step into that version of you, check out Mom 2.0. Until next time, friends.
If you enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review and check out our coaching program, Mom 2.0, at www.thesmalljar.com. You have more power than you think, my friend.
(Transcribed by TurboScribe.ai. Go Unlimited to remove this message.)
