WHO YOU WANT TO BE
Welcome to the Small Jar Podcast, where we moms of teens find the power to step off the emotional rollercoaster between motherhood and the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins. Episode 111.
Hello, my friends. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about the women I serve and how I can help and support them at the highest level. Women come to my help with a range of problems that relate to this period of time I call the empty nest straddle.
From those tween and early teen years when our kids start to test boundaries and pull away, or experience the challenges of adolescence, through that time when our last kid leaves the nest. Honestly, this period of time can last 10 or more years, depending on how many kids you have. And it's a time when you can find yourself on an emotional rollercoaster.
Women come to me feeling anxious about their teen, or frustrated or unsure about how to parent them as they grow up. They might feel like they have trouble communicating with their kid or feel shut out or ignored. But of course, while our kids are a big part of our life, we are not solely defined by our kids.
Women also come to me feeling like they want to find themselves again after 20 or more years of raising their families. They might notice that they've neglected themselves or their own needs, but they aren't really sure where to start in terms of focusing on themselves again. They'll often tell me they feel stuck or unmotivated.
And as their kids need them less, they feel they've lost their purpose. They might even feel deep sadness at the prospect of the empty nest and dread the time when they're alone in their home. Any of us moms could be facing any combination of these challenges.
But then there are so many other aspects of our lives. Our relationship with our husbands or ex, relationships with other families, our friends. Something that comes up a lot is at this time of life, we can feel disconnected from our friendships.
Wanting to build new connections, but not really knowing how, now that we don't have our kids' schools as a natural way to meet other women with similar lives and interests. In other areas of our lives, our parents' health could be declining. And then on top of all of this, we're navigating the joys of paramenopause and menopauses, hot flashes, anxiety and weight gain, aging.
It feels like a hot mess is what it feels like. So much out of our control, and yet here we are, trying our best. You know how frustrating it is to try your best and still feel like it's not good enough? I'm willing to bet you know exactly what I mean.
Whether we're talking issues with our teens, keeping up with the responsibilities of our family, relationships, our personal goals, our physical health, you do your best. Honestly, you do what you think is best in the moment, and then it doesn't work out the way you'd hoped it would. And so then you're left feeling like it's not good enough.
Honestly, you even start questioning whether what you did was even your best, right? It's like, if I were only better somehow, then I wouldn't be stuck in this place, stuck in a situation that I don't want. Let me share some real life examples of situations my clients have faced. Let's start with our teens.
I worked with a woman whose son faces a condition. She came to me wanting to feel more peaceful and happy in her life, despite the challenge that her son wasn't taking care of himself. Obviously for this mom, not trying to get her son to do the things he needs to do to stay healthy just isn't an option.
This mom told me all of the things that she did to get her teen to take care of himself, and as I was listening, all I could think is, this woman is a superhero, and she doesn't even realize it. But when I first met her, it was clear that she felt like she needed to be better. She would tell me, I sometimes say or do the wrong things.
She felt so much weight and responsibility, not only for her son's health, but for trying her best to avoid fights with him while also setting the right boundaries with him. This issue of responsibility comes up so much with us moms, in every aspect of our lives, not just with our kids. We feel responsible to keep our kids safe and healthy.
The weight of responsibility extends from making sure they eat the right foods and take proper care of themselves, to making sure they hang out with the right friends and don't make poor choices when it comes to drugs and alcohol and sex. Of course, as our kids grow up, they increasingly make these choices without us. We're often not even in the near vicinity, and yet our kids' desire for independence doesn't take away our desire to keep them safe, right? The only way to find peace seems to be either to get your kids to comply and be safe 100% of the time, or to let go of your responsibility and just be okay with whatever choices your teen makes.
Neither option feels viable. You obviously can't get your teen to comply all the time, unless they really want to do whatever it is you ideally want them to do. But of course, you also don't stop trying.
And so you're left constantly judging yourself in what you've done, based on how successful you've been in keeping your kids safe. In other words, teen safe, making good choices, pass. You can breathe a temporary sigh of relief.
Or, teen not safe, not making good choices, fail. You did it wrong. You're a terrible mom.
And just think about how pervasive this feeling of responsibility is. Because there might be one major challenge you're worried about when it comes to your teen, but then there's a long list of other niggling frustrations. The way they leave their stuff everywhere, don't put away their clean laundry, come home late from curfew, don't do the things you asked them to do.
You find yourself in the position of being a cop or a nag, constantly trying to get them to be better, a little more responsible or considerate or outgoing. You can find yourself overwhelmed with the prospect of stopping all the holes in the dam. So much responsibility, so much weight on our shoulders.
So back to my client with the son who wasn't doing the things he needed to do to keep himself healthy. Again, at times, to this mom, it felt like her only two options were to force her son to comply or to give up entirely. She knew who she wanted to be, but was having a hard time living into it.
Specifically, she wanted to find a way to help her son without getting so upset and angry. She was sick of fighting with him and just wanted to find a way to support him without so much stress and conflict. She already had a vision of who she wanted to be.
In fact, she was already doing her best to live into this version of herself. And yet she still felt terrible and beat herself up for the times when she got frustrated and angry. Now let me take a pause on this example and give you a few others.
Another woman came to me feeling deeply sad about the empty nest. She enjoyed a close relationship with her kids and couldn't imagine having to close the chapter with them at home. So much of her happiness and purpose was connected to her kids, and as she imagined them no longer being at home, it truly seemed to her that her life would be empty.
This mom also had a vision of what she wanted her life to be. She already had a career, so it's not like she didn't have things to focus on. She wanted to be able to be at peace and happy for her kids as headed off to college.
But no matter what she tried, no matter how much she threw herself into her work, she still felt dread and sadness. She knew who she wanted to be, how she wanted to feel, and yet couldn't honestly let go of the thought that she was saying goodbye to the most meaningful period of her life. I worked with another woman who was an empty nester after finally getting her kids out of the house, and she was ecstatic about it actually.
But when she thought about who she wanted to be, she envisioned meeting a man to share her life with. She wanted to be a woman who found a healthy relationship and was intellectually willing to do the work to put herself out there, but it felt like creating this connection was out of her control. I could tell you countless stories of women who came to me knowing who they wanted to be, already having a vision of the version of themselves that they believed would be happier and more at peace.
They knew what they wanted, but felt totally at a loss for how to get there. I think this is why it's so tempting to want someone to just give you the how. Just give me the steps so I can feel better, be more patient, feel less anxious, find purpose, connect with friends, meet a new man.
Seriously, how often have you been tempted to spend another $99 for that new exercise program or that nutrition plan that promises to help you get slim and fit in only 10 days? We're so drawn to the promise of someone sharing the how that has helped that other person get the success we want for ourselves. Yet time and again, we buy the program, we get a few weeks in, and it's not working. Somehow the how isn't as easy as it looks, or at least isn't working for us.
One more strike against us. One more way that we're not enough, right? Apply this to any one of our challenges. Want to be more patient? Well, count to three before speaking to your team.
Feel like you're losing your purpose? Well, go find a new one. Want to make new friend, meet a man? Well, just introduce yourself to people. Want to stop drinking? Well, just stop drinking.
These examples are obviously oversimplified, but when you really think about it, for any goal that you have, you kind of know the steps you need to take to move toward that goal. The problem isn't actually not knowing these steps. The problem is, more often than not, there's something holding you back from actually taking those steps.
And here is where this self-judgment comes back to bite us. Because in our minds, the only answer, the only possible reason we can think of that these steps aren't working for us, is that there's something wrong with us. Some inherent flaw, something we did wrong in the past, something that's just true for us, like we're just not motivated people.
Maybe it's the trauma we've suffered. We might even have spent time working on healing from that trauma. But even still, it all starts to feel like it's a part of us, actually a core part of our identity that's holding us back.
We think our lack of patience with our teams might mean that we're controlling perfectionists. Keep in mind, I am in no way confirming this. I'm just giving examples here where our minds go.
If I'm sad or dreading the empty nest, I must be too attached. Or I definitely should have kept up with my career, because then I wouldn't be having such a hard time. Trouble meeting people? Well, it's because I'm not friendly.
I'm an introvert. I attract the wrong type of guy. I could go on and on.
But what if we approach our goals in an entirely different way? I want to invite you to consider that it's not about how you need to pursue your goals at all, but more about who you need to be along the way. For example, how often do you stop and really give yourself credit for all of the ways that you are showing up in your life as exactly who you want to be already? Look, our brains are literally designed to focus on the negative. That's just where they go.
Our brains are these supercomputers that are constantly trying to solve problems. And more often than not, we find problems about and within ourselves. And so then our brains go into overdrive trying to solve the problem of us.
And you quickly get into this mode of thinking that in order to fix myself, I've got to be somebody different, somebody who's better than I am right now. It's almost like this identity crisis, that you actually need to be someone else. And you may not even think of it this way exactly, but consider what you're telling yourself.
When you have this dream version of yourself who's more patient and happy and extroverted and purposeful, who never feels a lack of motivation and is always organized, gets along with everyone, is the kind of mom her kids want to connect with. You've got this dream version of yourself in your head, but then your brain is constantly offering up all of the reasons why you're not her. Consider how disempowering that is.
Imagine instead what could be different if you proactively look to recognize, even celebrate, all of the ways that you are showing up to your life exactly the way that you would want. This type of thinking requires a different lens, a shift in perspective. Just this morning, I realized that over the past few days, I've felt this discontented feeling.
I noticed that I've been pushing myself too hard, feeling a bit overwhelmed, not taking the time to relax and be in the moment. And here it's summer, and my mind's telling me that I'm wasting it. I could sense as I was thinking about how I was feeling that I was looking at all of it like a problem I had to solve.
Like, how can I feel better? How can I fix something in my life? How can I fix myself in order to be happier? I could actually see the machinery of my brain trying to problem solve. And I noticed what it was doing was giving me a list of things to do. Like, my mind was telling me that I really should be planning my time better so that I can find time to rest and also accomplish all the things I need to get done.
My mind also had on the list things like I need to stop snacking as much because I'm just eating because I'm bored. It pointed out that I've been drinking more often and my brain is telling me that I need to stop. It was like, as my brain looked for reasons why I wasn't feeling content, it quickly started finding all of these things I needed to do better or things I've been doing wrong.
Now, there are definitely times when we also blame our unhappiness on other people. Like, for sure, it's because my husband doesn't help or support me enough or because my kid isn't happy or because of any number of reasons. For sure, there's plenty of blame to go around.
But even then, when we think someone else is part of the problem, we still find fault with ourselves. Like, maybe if I wasn't so annoyed all the time, my husband would want to help me more. Or if I stopped nagging my kids, they would listen more.
It's like we have this vision that if we were really the best version of ourselves, then we would be able to influence the rest of the world to be the best version of themselves too. So much responsibility on our shoulders. Our minds, they're doing this work in fractions of a second, by the way.
Our brains are creating this list of things that we've done wrong, ways we need to be better. All of this is in the name of feeling better, by the way. That if only I had been the version of myself who worked hard but not too hard, and ate food but not too much food, and reminded my kids but not so much that I nagged them.
If I could just have done and been all of these things, struck the perfect balance, our minds think that then we'd be happy. This was all going on in my mind this morning, by the way. I wonder if you can relate.
I actually had to stop myself from writing that to-do list for myself. You know, plan your time, don't drink, rest, but also get all your stuff done. Basically, just be a better human being.
And as long as you're able to accomplish that, then you get to be happy. Then you get to think you're enough. So I watched all of this happening in my brain, and I took a mental step back.
I got dressed, and I went about my day, and I asked myself if this was really how I wanted to solve for my feelings of discontent. Because I have to be honest, what I really felt when I started thinking about all of this was pressure, emotional overwhelm. It was clear that this path was not helping me.
So I stopped and I made the decision to give myself grace. The thought I wanted to explore was maybe I am doing my best right now. That simple thought opened up my mind to curiosity.
How am I doing my best? I was willing to try to find it. I started brainstorming all of the ways I'm already showing up to my life exactly the way that I want, exactly as who I want to be. The first place I went in my mind was that I'm proud of how I'm showing up in my relationship with my sons.
I have done so much work on this, by the way. It took quite a bit of self-discovery and coaching for me to understand why I was having such a hard time letting go of control, why I would get so frustrated and anxious. For so long, I blamed others for my emotions.
Honestly, we've all been taught to do this, that others hurt our feelings. Well, with my boys, I took it one step further because for a long time, I needed them to be something particular in order for me to be able to trust that I was doing enough. Don't get me wrong, I haven't in any way let go of my hopes and dreams for my boys.
But when things with them don't go the way that I hope, I'm now able to find compassion from my experience of that in a way that was never possible for me before. And that in and of itself has been a game changer for me. And I'm proud of the work that I've done with my boys, not because I'm the perfect mom, I'm definitely not.
But understanding my mind, really understanding my instinctual needs and desires about my role as a mom, I'm empowered to trust myself on a totally different level. Really what I choose to believe is that my boys are responsible for their experience, their happiness, their success, even their safety. I have opinions about all of it and I'm not afraid to share them with them when appropriate.
I see them growing and succeeding, struggling and failing, and I realize none of that is about me. The upside is that now I'm fully open to the experience of watching them self-actualize right in front of me. And I have to say that because I don't make their experience about me, I have found that they are much more open to bringing their challenges to me.
And even being open to my input so much more than they were when I was desperate to make them see my point of view. It's such a subtle shift, but has everything to do with who I'm choosing to be with my boys. Another area of my life that I celebrate how I show up in is the way I approach my physical health.
I had pretty extensive bunion surgery right before Memorial Day, and the recovery has been much slower than I anticipated. For six weeks, I was completely off my left foot. Now, I love walking and what that does for my emotional and physical health, and so not being able to do that has been really tough.
Not only did I miss that physical activity, but during that time my weight also shot up five pounds, even though I could swear I'd been eating less. And maybe that's not entirely true, but in my mind it had been true. Well, now that I can put pressure on my foot again, I've been walking.
The first few times I had to start the treadmill at 1.5 miles per hour, and I only lasted about 10 minutes. It wasn't what I wanted, but I keep showing up, and every single day I've been getting a little farther and a little faster. I'm still nowhere near where I was before the surgery, but I'm so proud of myself for showing up and not beating myself up about it.
I'm choosing to believe that I am getting back on track. I'm choosing to be the person who's committed to doing that work, but also someone who has the grace and compassion for herself along the way. I'm also proud of how I'm showing up to my coaching business, and I have to say that working with women through this transition and being able to share the techniques of self-coaching is incredibly rewarding to me.
On the one hand, it can seem like I had small mindset shifts, from thinking that I was responsible for my boy's happiness and success, to believing it's not about me, or from thinking it's terrible that I've had a setback, to being someone willing to take the steps necessary to get back on track. Intellectually, it's not hard to get your mind around how that small change in thinking can impact the way you show up. But much like that fad diet, when you're given the simple steps, I can tell you to just shift your mindset about your problem.
But then your kid will face a challenge, and you will inevitably go right back to feeling responsible for fixing it. Or you can tell yourself to believe that your dreams are possible, but then you have a setback or don't see progress, and you go right back to telling yourself that what you're doing isn't good enough. This is just what our minds do, my friends.
The work of becoming who you want to be is not simply about thinking happier thoughts and trying to manifest a better life. The tools I teach in my coaching program are a practical, tangible skill set that allows you to understand your mind on a much deeper level, to understand the limiting beliefs that are keeping you where you are. Because the only way to truly step into being who you want to be is to embrace who you are right now.
Here's something to consider. When you put yourself out there, when you try to pursue any goal or try to grow or change in any way, you open yourself up to the opportunity for the high of success and accomplishment, but also to the lows of disappointment and failure. To be honest, I think about the experience of becoming a mom.
From the moment our first child was born, we opened ourselves up to the incredible high of loving this new human being that we created. But also, now our heart is literally exposed to the world. This beautiful gift of motherhood has exposed us to all of these unique joys, but also this very real and scary pain that you wouldn't have had to experience if you didn't make the choice of being a mom.
So of course there are parts of all of this that are hard and scary, this journey of life. There are parts about the transition to the empty nest, really just getting older and now having the chance to reinvent ourselves again. All of this opens us up to the potential for disappointment and failure.
And it actually makes perfect sense that we would have some challenging feelings about all of it. But the question is, who do you want to be in those moments when you find yourself in pain? It's not actually very hard to be who you want to be when things go your way, right? But when things go south, then do you trust yourself to be who you want to be? I think about my client whose son wasn't managing his medical care. She started to gain an appreciation for how much she was already living into who she wanted to be.
She was already doing everything in her power to support her son. She also started to understand her own anxiety about the situation and was able to find peace. She was still showing up for her son, but as she embraced how strong she was already being, instead of thinking she wasn't enough, wasn't doing it right, as she let go of the self-judgment and actually embraced who she was being, she let go of the anxiety and the frustration and was simply able to be there, to be in the moment with her son.
And in the process, she also started to appreciate the small ways her son was actually taking steps to take care of himself. The mom who came to me about her feelings about the empty nest learned to embrace how much she validated herself in her role as a mom. It wasn't her kids who created this, it was her.
She was also able to embrace how her ability to feel validation and love for her kids wasn't going to stop just because they were in college. But as she applied these tools to other areas of her life, she started to see more opportunities for growth, ways to embrace and set boundaries with friends, ways to stop taking other people's emotions so personally. So often when we're in pain, all we see is the pain and the ways we must be broken because of it.
But understanding this pain and empowering yourself to know what pain you need to process and what pain you may be causing yourself unnecessarily, this is a superpower that allows you to step in to who you really want to be, even in times of pain. Finally, the woman who was looking for love. She told me in one of our first sessions that she was a tough person to love.
This isn't who she wanted to be, but so many people in her life had told her that this is who she was. The thing about believing this, when you believe that you're a tough person to love, you show up in your life as someone who doesn't open yourself up to love. That's the reality.
As we worked together, she didn't embrace this identity. She embraced and found compassion for all of the reasons she believed that this is who she was. And rather than accept it and try to convince herself that it wasn't true, by truly understanding it, the identity let her go.
She was open to the possibility that maybe she was worthy of love. And just like that, she found it easy to be open. She was smiling, putting herself out there, but also even more powerfully, not needing another person to find joy and love in her life.
You might not even realize that there are so many ways your mind is telling you that you can't be satisfied with your life until you fix something about yourself or the world. Really consider that deciding who you are is actually a choice you get to make. You can make that decision right now.
But when the going gets tough, when you face a challenge, it can feel impossible not to slip back into that version of yourself who you don't want to be. The one who yells or nags, feels terrible, needy, judgmental, alone, not worthy. The power of learning the process of self-coaching is that you empower yourself to be the person who you want to be, even when things don't go your way.
Having the power and strength to be who you want to be in times of challenge changes everything about the results you get in your life. What if you are already that woman you want to be? What if she's already in there? Stepping into that version of you is literally just a decision you get to make. That decision is the how, and those steps are exactly what I teach in my Mom 2.0 program.
But it's also not just about the how. Making that decision also requires you to have your back about your decision to be that woman you want to be for yourself and for your life. That version of you that you really want to be is already inside of you.
I know you are already showing up in your life, trying to live into this version of yourself. But those moments of challenge are your opportunity for growth. Think about learning and growing from a place of self-love rather than self-loathing and shame.
The reason having a life coach is so transformational is that we have a partner to guide us to be that person even when life happens, which it always does. Are you ready to be that next version of yourself? Then I'll see you in Mom 2.0, my friend. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review and check out our coaching program, Mom 2.0, at www.thesmalljar.com. You have more power than you think, my friend.
