OVERCOMING THE ONE OBSTACLE - WORRY
Welcome to the Small Jar Podcast, where we moms of teens find the power to step off the emotional rollercoaster between motherhood and the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins. Episode number 126.
Hello, my friend. I am back with the second episode in a series I'm calling The One Obstacle. And my goal with this new series is to give you the tools to see the power you have to overcome the inevitable challenges we face as moms in midlife.
To give you the tools to create the experience of your life that you want, both now and in this next chapter of your life. One thing that strikes me in my work with my clients, and this is something I've experienced personally as well, is that we can feel utterly powerless to overcome some of the challenges in our lives. It's like we have this sense that life is happening to us against our will.
That the things we love, and frankly, even the things that we take for granted, are changing in ways that we don't always like. These changes can relate to our kids as they grow up, sometimes as they grow apart from us, as they pull away, or as they face challenges that we can't fix. The changes also involve us having this sense that we have to let go of our kids and our role as a mom.
We're approaching this time of life that we haven't potentially thought through. What does the empty nest look like? How will I spend my time? Who will I spend it with? And how can I find meaning and purpose? All of us face different circumstances and also struggle with different aspects of this transitional time in very different ways. So again, this one obstacle series is meant to help each of us in midlife identify that one obstacle, the common denominator that's holding each of us individually back from what we really want.
This one obstacle can be summed up in one word, and that obstacle is an emotion. Now let me first say I am by no means questioning the different challenges you're facing. In fact, I totally get it.
I get the pain of watching your teen struggle and the frustration of seeing your teen pull away, the sadness when they leave home. I understand how scary it is to step out of your comfort zone and to create a new identity when you feel like you have to give up the identity you love. It feels terrible to face challenges like health diagnoses, divorce, or financial hardship.
The circumstances of our lives are at times really heavy, and it makes sense when we view these as the obstacles or the reason why we feel stuck in our lives. Very often these specific challenges are out of our control to fix, and we're left stuck in this pain unless we can find a way to fix or address our pain. So the inspiration behind the series is helping you reframe your focus of the obstacle of your life on the emotional pain rather than the specific challenge.
Think about it this way. Your pain, whatever emotional pain you might be experiencing right now, this pain is driving how you show up in your life. Whether you realize it or not, your emotions cause you to react or respond, and the way you show up in your life directly impacts the results you create.
You can focus on changing other people or the circumstances of your life and in the process continue beating your head against the wall of doing the impossible, or you can focus on something more directly in your control, and that is your emotional experience and the actions you take from that. In this series, I'm going to take a deep dive into each of the specific painful emotions that many of us feel in midlife, and how each of these emotions serve as obstacles to us moving forward and living the life that we want, having the emotional experience that we want, but also having the relationships and success we want in life. This series will give you a roadmap to help you take your power back over your emotional well-being so that you can show up in your life with confidence and create the experience of your life that you really want.
So with that backdrop, I want to focus this episode on worry. Now, people can sometimes use the words worry and anxiety interchangeably. Psychologists would actually make a distinction between the two, but for our purposes, I want to think of them as a spectrum of uncomfortable emotion relating to how we feel about difficulty or uncertainty in our lives.
Anxiety at an extreme is truly a mental disorder that requires treatment. And in truth, some of us can wonder if our anxiety is at a level that medication would help. The challenging circumstances in our lives combined with the dramatic fluctuation in our hormones can sometimes make us feel terrible and out of control.
And so I don't want to discount the value of consulting with a therapist or a medical professional if your anxiety or hormones are making you feel physically terrible or out of control. I think we owe it to ourselves to explore all of our options. But all of that said, you might know that given the challenges in your life, it makes perfect sense that you feel anxious.
You might also know in your heart that there is truly nothing wrong with you other than you feel terrible and just want to feel better. Believe me, my friend, I have been there. When you feel anxious or worried, even when it's in no way a disorder, you can feel it through your entire body.
I read a definition that suggested the difference between worry and anxiety is that worry tends to be specific, focused on a particular problem, while anxiety is more diffuse. For example, you might feel anxiety about traveling, but worry about getting to the plane on time. But what about life with teens? In my experience, I've felt worried about specific things, like my kids getting home from curfew on a specific night.
But I've also felt a general sense of anxiety about my boys' well-being and success. I don't think that makes it a mental disorder. I just think it's the reality of motherhood sometimes.
So again, whether you call this emotion worry or anxiety, I'm referring to the emotion that stems from concern about something or someone, some uncertainty, the fear that something will happen that you don't want. And here's why this matters. It's because we know that if that outcome that we don't want happens, then we're going to experience some emotional pain.
We don't usually think of it this way, but really consider that the reason you worry about something happening is because of the way you think you'll feel if that thing does happen. So for example, you could worry that your daughter's boyfriend will break up with her. And you worry about that because of how you think she'll feel if that happens.
And by the way, if she feels terrible, then mama, you're already predicting that you'll feel terrible. Often, we also worry or feel anxious about really terrible things happening. And of course, it stands to reason that we would want to protect ourselves from that future pain.
So what are the big categories of things we worry about at this time of life? Probably first and foremost, we worry about the health and well-being of our kids, no matter their ages. We worry about the health and well-being of other people we love. We can worry about relationships, the ones we have with our kids, our partners, family members, and friends.
We worry about ourselves and our own health and well-being. We could also worry about money or job stability or the outcome of something over which you have no control. You can worry about the future, worry about how you'll handle the future.
Consider that you can worry about things over which you actually do have some control. And of course, we also worry about things that aren't in your control. But sometimes the lines are blurred.
In relationships, we often think we have control where we don't. Our teens are a perfect example. Now, we don't in any way want to control our kids.
And we can tend to get really defensive when they accuse this of us. We don't want to control them. But we do think that there's a way for us to show up, to have the right conversation or set the right boundary so that our kids will do what we want or hope that they'll do.
Our subconscious reasoning is that if we can just get that person to do the thing we hope they'll do, then we can all feel better. I can think of so many examples in my own life. My youngest is going through the college process right now and I'm worried about how it'll all turn out for him.
I'm worried about his stress level and the hard courses he's taking. Even though I see him doing everything he needs to be doing, I still worry. The other night he went out and I worried about him getting home safely.
My husband was out of town and for some reason I felt more worried because I somehow felt more responsible to make sure he was safe. Isn't it fascinating how our minds will create more worry sometimes than others? I worry about my son in college and his stress. My husband's been stressed at work and I'm worried about him.
I could go through every situation and relationship I have in my life and there's something about it that I could worry about. It's actually kind of fascinating that we tend to focus on those parts of our life that we think are the highest risk factors in that moment. On the long list of things that I potentially have to worry about, it's like what's the hot topic right now? I've actually worked with clients who've had the experience of feeling anxious about the pending empty nest and what that's going to look like for them.
And then they get there and they have this experience like, oh this is the reality of it. It's not as bad as I thought. For some women it's almost like you don't have to fear it anymore because once you're in it there's no more uncertainty about what it's going to feel like even if it takes some time to get used to it.
But it's amazing that when one area of concern or worry dissipates, our brains will find something else to worry about. I mean it's actually fascinating when you take a step back and notice your mind's ability to find things to worry about. My friend, this is actually a really valuable skill of our minds.
Our brains are constantly looking out for danger, anticipating it even. You're constantly subconsciously scanning your life for risk. And whether you realize it or not, every single day you're putting out little fires.
Whether it be an actual fire or the threat of a fire, you put it out and then it's fine. You see the gas light on your car go on and you get gas. You see your child's upset and you try to find out what's wrong.
You look ahead to a time when your last kid will leave home and you're already starting to think about what that will mean for you. Consider how many times a day you've found a solution to something that will never become a problem, because you've already anticipated and addressed it. This skill set is what distinguishes us from all other animals on this planet.
Our ability to plan ahead and to problem solve. And as a mom, you have been doing this for your kids for decades. And it's not only a skill, it's a well-worn habit.
And in fact, I could argue that it's a habit that's become a skill set that we've relied on to feel successful as parents for a long time. We see an issue with our kids and we fix it. We see an opportunity to support them or help them grow and we take it.
And they've led us until they stop letting us. Until our ideas or ways of doing things aren't quite what our kids want anymore. Or until they face a challenge that we literally can't fix for them.
Even when our kids grow up and move out, it's hard to let go of the worry stemming from our desire to help them and support them. The solutions just aren't as simple as they once were with our kids and in our own lives. For example, I've worked with women who have kids who they worry are isolating themselves because they don't go out or connect with friends as often as the moms think they should.
The moms see their kids staying home, not talking about friends, and naturally they worry. So what do we typically do? We try to encourage them to make friends or call that person we know they connected with at the summer program or at their job. That one person they mentioned that one time.
Wouldn't it be so nice if we saw something we were concerned about with our kids and we told them what we thought that they should do about it and then they just did it? I mean, could you even imagine? We say, hey honey, I noticed you haven't been making plans with friends on the weekend. Why don't you give that girl you met at work a call and see if she's free to go to a movie this weekend? And then your daughter said, sure mom, that sounds like a great idea. I'll do it right now.
I'm not even making fun. I legitimately feel like it would be amazing if that happened. At least in that moment.
We probably wouldn't wish our kids waited for us to tell them what to do all the time. But my point is we offer these suggestions out of worry because we think if we can just change the circumstances, in this case, get our daughter to connect more with friends, then we can solve the problem and stop worrying. How often do you find yourself doing this with your kids? And my friend, how often does it actually work? And look, it's not necessarily that what you're doing is wrong.
It's just that when you do it, there's a voice in your head telling you that this is the way to alleviate your worry. And my friends, when it comes to other people, particularly our teens, but this extends to really anyone in our lives, you can't rely on changing them to feel better. It just doesn't work.
The same thing can be said for trying to change the future to feel better now. If it's the uncertainty of the empty nest or really any situation with an outcome you can't control, the fact is you can't change these circumstances or control the future to alleviate all of your worry right now. It's just not possible.
So here we are when we've tried to take action and it hasn't worked or you realize that the situation isn't in your power to fix or change for the future. You're left stuck in this state of worry. So the question is now what do you do? What you really want when you're feeling anxious or worried is just to get back to peace.
But then you find you can't let go of the worry. All of us respond to our emotions in three basic ways. We react to them, we can resist or avoid them, or we can allow and process them.
Sometimes reacting to an emotion is a good thing. We react to feelings of love by telling someone I love you or giving them a hug. But reacting to our feeling of worry looks something like this.
Well first we keep trying to control the circumstances. We don't give up when our kids tell us they don't need our help or that they're okay. We don't stop nagging when they ignore us.
We take responsibility and we truly believe it's for their own good because we see a possible risk or missed opportunity and we feel like it's our job to help them. When we can't control the circumstances or our efforts to get our kids or that other person to change are unsuccessful, then we catastrophize. We get stuck in worst case scenario thinking where we're constantly ruminating about terrible outcomes or constantly ruminating about how to continue to take different actions to change those terrible outcomes.
We can also engage in all-or-nothing thinking, where our minds simplify the possible outcomes into two binary options. One, the outcome that we prefer, or two, the worst possible outcome. When you really think about it, there are an infinite number of possibilities for any situation, but we become convinced that there's really only one safe option and one terrible option.
And that one terrible outcome is where we're headed. You might not realize that when our minds catastrophize or engage in all-or-nothing thinking, they're actually trying to create safety for us. It's like if they can imagine what that terrible outcome is, then we can either prepare ourselves or fight like hell to avoid it.
I think this is one thing that happens to many of us when we approach the empty nest. It's like we dread our last kid leaving home because we've convinced ourselves that it'll be terrible. I wonder if this isn't sometimes our mind's way of protecting us by getting us ready, preparing us to face what we perceive as inevitable emptiness.
These mindset traps, catastrophizing and all-or-nothing thinking, can keep us stuck in this reactive and powerless cycle, trying to create certainty and safety amidst uncertainty and danger. The worry can feel really important because we want to avoid this pain at all costs. And these aren't the only mindset traps our very normal minds fall into.
Another is the illusion of control, the instinct that if you can just change other people and try to get them to do what you want them to do, you can feel better and avoid danger. In addition to keeping you stuck, this can also have a negative impact on your relationships. Worry also leads to emotional reasoning.
It's kind of like guilt. You feel worried and so then it's like your mind reinforces the danger. I feel this way, so it must be true that there's something to be worried about, like a circular pattern of anxiety.
We can also engage in confirmation bias, where you only focus on the facts that confirm your worst-case fears, leading you to distort your view of what's happening in your life because all you see is the worst-case possible outcome. I don't need to tell you that all of these mindset traps make our worry worse. They make it bigger.
They perpetuate it, actually make us hold on to it, justify it. It's honestly no wonder that we can't let it go. Last year, I did a series on mindset traps on this podcast, covering the reason that our brains fall into these traps.
The bottom line is that on a primitive subconscious level, our brains are trying to keep us safe, trying to simplify things to make us comfortable. Our brains are literally looking out for us and this is your brain working perfectly normally, my friend. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you if you catastrophize or fall into this instinct to control.
I can't tell you how many women come to me thinking there's something wrong with them because they can't let go of their worry or anxiety. I've experienced the same thing personally. So worry becomes this obstacle.
We're powerless to change the circumstances that we think are making us worried in the first place. And then the worry itself keeps us stuck in this cycle of pain, these endless mindset traps, desperately trying to find a way out to find safety and comfort. But in the meantime, creating more pain with these catastrophizing, unproductive patterns of thought and also unproductive, reactive ways of trying to control our lives to make us feel better.
The real obstacle here is the emotion, the worry. My friend, you are welcome to blame life and you're not wrong. Life with teens, the challenges in our lives, they're not little.
They obviously have triggered our emotions. And yet, when we focus on these circumstances out of our control as the cause of our pain, when we blame others or our life for our pain, we are powerless. We're stuck.
And this is what's at stake. Not only are we feeling miserable right now, but we're missing out on our lives. These painful emotions rob you from your ability to embrace the beauty of life.
The days that we have in this life are so short, my friend. The time we have when our kids are at home, these moments we have with the people we love, it's all so fleeting. And so if your pain is robbing you of the opportunity to fully embrace the beauty of life, well, to me, that's unacceptable.
The reality is that life is guaranteed to bring you challenges. And the truth is that sometimes you will experience pain. But what I've found is that we often create more pain for ourselves when we're stuck in this painful emotion.
So how do you overcome the obstacle of worry? When our minds react to the worry, it perpetuates our powerlessness. When we resist the feeling by trying to ignore it or distract ourselves, it just builds up, simmering under the surface, again keeping us stuck. The only other option is to allow the feeling until you're able to let it go.
Now you might be asking yourself, how in the world do I do this? What does that even mean? Well, the best way to describe the process of allowing an emotion is first to pause, to take a step back and understand what's really going on. What are you trying to control that's not in your control? And by doing this, how are you actually giving your power away? This takes some honest self-reflection, my friend. Over the past 15 to 20 minutes, I've given you a ton of ways we give up our power, essentially ways that we make other people and the circumstances of our lives responsible for our pain and also our peace.
It's a losing strategy. In my one-on-one coaching program, Mom 2.0, I work with my clients to tap into this honest self-awareness. And not because you're doing something wrong.
In fact, your heart is in the right place. I already know this about you if you're listening to this podcast. You are a mom doing the best that you can, trying to protect and support everyone.
I see you. I get it. And you're not broken.
And you're not crazy for feeling worried. You're a superhero who's fighting like hell, but also giving all of the power of your emotional well-being away. When you truly understand what's in your control and what's not, you step back into the driver's seat.
You also then are able to decide how to show up in your life intentionally. You're able to set boundaries with other people. But in the case of worry, you also get to decide to set boundaries with yourself.
What are you going to take responsibility for? What are you going to forgive yourself for? And what do you need to trust yourself to do? Setting boundaries is a process of understanding what you want and expect from other people, and then establishing clearly what you will accept and what you won't. And most importantly, deciding what you will do if your expectations aren't met. We'll talk a lot more about setting boundaries when it comes to other emotions like anger and frustration, but consider for a moment the impact of setting boundaries with yourself in the context of worry.
Understanding what you want and expect from life and yourself, and what you will do if these expectations aren't met. When it comes to worry, this is an incredibly powerful skill set. The self-awareness that comes from understanding where you have control and making a decision about how you want to show up in your life for others, but most importantly with and for yourself, this is the path to being able to distinguish when you need to fully allow and process a painful emotion, and when you realize that the only reason you're holding on to the pain is because you're stuck beating your head against the obstacle of worry and anxiety.
Imagine the difference between deciding that worry is simply a part of the process of managing the challenge and uncertainty in front of you, and also deciding to let the catastrophizing and the all-or-nothing thinking go. Imagine loving yourself through the discomfort of feeling worry versus feeling like the worry is beating you up, creating more pain, as if that pain were happening to you. Overcoming the obstacle of worry involves deciding where you have power, taking action, allowing discomfort, and letting the rest go.
I know it sounds easier said than done, but this is a skill set I teach in my one-on-one coaching program Mom 2.0. Your emotional pain has something to teach you, my friend. Some lesson that's an invitation for you to step into that next version of yourself. Maybe the lesson is learning to trust your team.
Maybe it's knowing how to set boundaries. The lesson could also be that you need to learn to trust yourself. Overcoming the obstacle of worry is an opportunity to find your power in the face of what seems like powerlessness.
Until next time, my friend.
If you enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review and check out our coaching program Mom 2.0 at www.thesmalljar.com. You have more power than you think, my friend.
