ONE OBSTACLE SERIES - OVERCOMING DREAD
Welcome to the Small Jar Podcast, where we moms of teens find the power to step off the emotional rollercoaster between motherhood and the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins. Episode 129.
Hello, my friend. I am so happy to have you with me for this next episode in the One Obstacle series, where I am talking about how to overcome the primary obstacle we face as moms in midlife. In fact, I could say this obstacle faces all of us, men and women, at all stages of life.
But in this series, I'm addressing the ways this obstacle plays out in our lives as moms with teens and women approaching or adjusting to the empty nest. Although we all inevitably experience different circumstances, what actually holds us back and keeps us from experiencing life in the way that we want to live it, is a painful emotion. That's it.
Truly, my friend, you experience your life through your emotions. And the only reason you do anything in life is because of the way you think it will make you feel. So imagine the power of understanding how to live more intentionally to more intentionally create the experience of life that you want.
This is the work I do with my clients in my one-on-one coaching program, and it's also the inspiration behind the series. Whether you're facing challenges with your teens, having difficulty with the transition to the empty nest, or experiencing any other challenge in your life, the common obstacle we all face is the painful emotion we experience as we relate to the circumstances of our lives. So far in the series, I've covered anxiety, disappointment, and overwhelm.
And today, I want to talk about dread. It's no coincidence that this episode is coming out right before Thanksgiving and the holidays in general. And we don't always associate dread with the holiday season, but if I'm honest, in the past, there have been parts of the holidays that I've dreaded.
Even if it was just the sheer magnitude of everything I wanted to create for the season, the weight of the responsibility to make the holiday special and magical, the desire to outwork potential disappointment, I've experienced so many holidays where I found myself just exhausted. And in the past, when I've looked ahead at what was to come, as much as I wanted to cherish every moment, I find myself looking ahead with a feeling of heaviness, like here we go again. Let's talk about dread.
It's defined as the anticipation of something difficult or uncertain. The anticipation. I was thinking about how dread relates to anxiety.
For me, when I think about anxiety, I think about fear, worry about something uncertain, or worry that something bad will happen. But when I think about dread, it's not just worry. It's not just thinking about the possibility that something bad or difficult will happen.
Dread feels like knowing something difficult will happen. It's like we know ahead of time that we're going into something unpleasant or painful. It's honestly why I think the emotion feels so heavy.
It's like I'm doomed. So where does this emotion show up in our lives as midlife moms? Well, for sure, it can come up in anticipation of the holidays. We love to think ahead to the happy parts.
But we also know from experience that there's a lot that needs to get done. And so much of it seems to fall on our shoulders. Also, let's not forget the obligatory holiday parties.
The painful conversations with people we don't know or don't like very much. The family events. Spending time with that relative who's difficult or just unpleasant.
The one who gets drunk or talks about politics. The one who shows up and brings nothing and helps with nothing. I also used to dread feeling like crap over the holidays.
As much as I loved the eating and the drinking and the making merry, I feel like over the course of the holidays I would always feel increasingly sick of myself. Eating and drinking too much. Already feeling my pants getting tight before the holidays even arrived.
I dreaded that inevitable series of New Year's resolutions, declaring that I would clean up my act. In retrospect, it makes so much sense. I was using the eating and drinking as a way of coping.
A bit of escapism that helped me make the stress of the holidays tolerable. But this conversation isn't just about the holidays. Let's talk about life in general and where dread comes up.
Do you ever dread spending time with your teens? Let's be really honest, my friend. As much as I have absolutely no doubt you love your teen fiercely, there are some times, maybe lots of times, when you don't like them very much. Maybe your teen is grumpy and sullen.
You feel like you need to walk on eggshells around them. You can constantly dread coming home when they're around. Or maybe your teen isn't grumpy, but their emotions are erratic.
You dread those moments when they're upset or struggling. You might dread those moments when you hope your teen will go out, but they decide to stay home again. Or those moments when you hope they'll stay home for once, and there they go, out the door again.
You have these lived experiences with your teen, and it can feel like these experiences teach you to anticipate pain. As much as you love your kid, you can dread these painful moments in your relationship with them, or as you share in the pain that they experience. The transition to the empty nest can also cause us to feel dread.
As your kids have gotten older, you may have already experienced this. You spend less time with them, even when they're still at home. As your kids have gotten older, you may have experienced this feeling.
You spend less time with them, even when they're still home. They get busy with after-school activities or friends, or they just spend all of their time at home locked up in their room. The nest starts to feel empty long before they leave.
And I know I've experienced this. It can feel sad and a bit lonely. The house that used to feel so full starts to feel emptier.
But you're also still in it. You're not an empty nester, and yet the nest can feel empty. You can't help but think about how much more empty the home will feel when your youngest does eventually leave.
You can dread that time. In fact, you can already anticipate how hard it will be, because there have been moments you've already felt it. The loss.
The gradual letting go. To me, one of the most heartbreaking things about dread is that in the process of anticipating this painful, uncomfortable, unpleasant situation in the future, we're bringing this pain into our current moment. It's truly the antithesis of being present.
We're living in the future pain as if it's already happening. The reality of life is that pain is going to happen at times. We know we're not going to be happy all the time.
But how much of your life do you create pain for yourself now, because you're thinking about the pain you think you'll experience in the future? What is the purpose of this dread that we feel? Why do our brains anticipate pain in this way? If you think about it, our minds are instinctually driven by the motivational triad. On autopilot, our brains are wired to keep us safe and comfortable, to seek pleasure, and to be as efficient as possible. So in the case of dread, our brains anticipate pain as a way to keep us safe.
Our minds see certain situations or outcomes as threats, even if they're not physically dangerous. And our brains create dread to push us to avoid or escape these threats. For instance, feeling dread before a challenging conversation or an uncertain future is the brain's way of trying to steer us away from the discomfort.
It's probably why our first instinct when we think about painful situations is to tell ourselves we don't want to face it, that we want to bail on the party or not go to the family function. We can even tell ourselves we don't really want to go home to face our team. I can imagine there's also a part of our brains that's trying to prepare us for the pain, like maybe find a way out of it.
If we're dreading the holidays, we can think, this year I'm going to set boundaries around how much I host, or I'm going to start my holiday shopping early. With our kids, we can try to think of ways to improve those painful interactions or situations. If I can just get my son to come to dinner a little more, or get my daughter to talk to me.
With the empty nest, we can be thinking about what hobbies to start or how to find new friends so that we can prepare ourselves to fill the time made empty by our kids leaving home. And none of these strategies are wrong. By all means, set boundaries, keep trying with your teen and make new friends.
But here's the problem. When you focus on action as the solution, when you focus on trying to do the right thing so you can feel better, you're not really addressing the actual cause of the dread. It seems obvious that it's the circumstances, right? We dread seeing that relative over the holidays.
We dread coming home to our teen's moods. We dread that empty home. We think that these circumstances are causing the dread we feel about the coming weeks, about coming home to our families, or eventually being alone in our nest.
But here's the thing. When we blame the circumstances of our lives for our pain, the pain feels inevitable. Because no matter how hard you try, you can't change the relative.
You can't change your teen, and you certainly can't change the fact that your teen will eventually leave home. Dread. It's the anticipation of something you know is going to happen.
It's knowing that something bad or difficult is coming your way. So how can you overcome this feeling of dread if it's inevitable? There are really only three steps you need to overcome any emotion that's keeping you stuck. And these steps are to 1. Acknowledge where you don't have control.
2. Recognize where you do. And 3. Make a decision. So far in this conversation, I've talked a lot about where we don't have control.
First and foremost, we don't have control over other people. It doesn't matter how you show up, it doesn't matter what boundaries you set, or that talk you're thinking about having with this other person. None of that is going to change other people.
Unless they want to change. Do people sometimes change their minds? Absolutely. Can we sometimes show up in a way that encourages other people to respond in a different way? For sure.
But none of this is about control. And I think it can be really helpful to fully embrace this reality. Because when you don't, when you hold on to the hope that there's something you can do, some control you can exert to change that other person, you create a whole lot of pressure on yourself to do something that ultimately is not in your power to do.
So if the dread you're experiencing in life is related to another person, whether that be a relative you're going to have to face over the holidays or even your own child, just keep in mind that you are off the hook for trying to change them. But how is this helpful when it comes to dread? Because it would seem if you acknowledge that there's no changing this other person, then you're even more stuck in the dread. Like you truly have to settle into not hoping that things will get better.
But let's test this out using a few examples. First, the holiday example. Let's say you're dreading having to spend time with your mother-in-law.
And feel free to fill in the blank here with that other person or multiple people you dread spending time with over the holidays. But focusing on the mother-in-law example, you've got experience with her. And this woman can be rude and condescending and controlling whatever adjectives you use to describe this other person.
Now, you could spend time trying to convince yourself that you should love your mother-in-law. To be honest, I don't know that it's always worth spending your time trying to convince yourself of something that you know isn't true. I mean, honestly, can we be real for a minute? You don't have to like everyone.
Even when they're family, it's okay not to love spending time with people. Even people who you actually do love. Think about the energy you might be wasting telling yourself that you are the one who should be better.
And look, I'm not telling you that you should be mean. And I'm sure that wouldn't be your first instinct. But what I'm talking about is giving yourself permission to be honest with yourself and stop fighting it.
My mother-in-law is challenging and I'm not going to try to convince myself otherwise. And quick personal note, my mother-in-law is no longer with us, but she was absolutely lovely. But I could certainly fill in other names of people about whom I have challenging thoughts.
And I'm not a bad person for thinking it. I give myself permission to be honest with myself. But the other piece of this, back to the question about control, is that you and I don't have the power to change that other person.
This is who they are. They're not changing unless they want to. And I don't have to convince myself that they're not challenging people.
Think of this as acceptance. I accept my thoughts about this other person and I accept that this person is not likely to change. Now to add one more layer to this, why does any of this have to be a problem for me? My friend really stopped to consider this.
So your mother-in-law comes over and makes critical comments about everything. So what? So your uncle has opposing political views and he loves to talk about it. So what? Even connecting to our teens, they roll their eyes when you say something.
So what? My friend, I'm not saying you have to love or agree with any of this behavior. You can absolutely acknowledge your feelings about this behavior and wish it were different. But ultimately, if this is how the other person is showing up, why are you making it such a problem for you? So your mother-in-law makes critical comments.
It doesn't mean that she's right. She gets to think whatever she wants to think about the way you raise your kids or cook the turkey. Who really cares if she has a different opinion? Same with your uncle.
He's got political views. You don't have to agree with him. And it's highly likely that he's not going to change his mind and agree with you.
So who cares if he brings it up? Notice how fighting against these different personalities and viewpoints creates so much negative energy and stress for you. It's no wonder that you dread these interactions because you're anticipating a fight. You're anticipating feeling challenged.
But what if you stopped fighting? This isn't a war you need to win. You already have the keys to peace in these interactions. You're just choosing to make their words and actions a problem.
The exact same thing is true with our kids. Only, I think we as moms have another layer of expectation that it's our responsibility to teach our kids to behave in the right way. So we tell ourselves eye-rolling is unacceptable.
We get angry when they lie or shut us out. We can feel like we're walking on eggshells because we're dreading what that next interaction is going to look like. But what if this is simply who they are right now? It doesn't mean this is who they'll be forever, but this is who your kid is right now.
How can you extend even more love to them even when their behavior is something that you don't love? And look, you still get to set boundaries with all of these people. You can decide to leave the room when your mother in law or uncle start their antagonizing. You can withhold privileges or give consequences to a teen who misbehaves.
But remember that boundaries are still always about you and how you respond. They're never about controlling the other person. What I often find is that if you can access radical acceptance of your thoughts about the other person and radical acceptance of this other person exactly as they are, you get to a place where you truly don't have to fight with them.
You don't have to protect yourself. You don't even have to dread the interactions you have with them because all of it just is. It doesn't have to be a problem unless you decide to make it a problem.
And often when we dread spending time with people, it's because we've unconsciously decided to make it a problem. What if instead you intentionally decided that this other person's behavior doesn't have to have an impact on you at all? Think of all of the implications for relationships of this approach. You might dread your child being disappointed in the college process.
But what if you acknowledge you certainly can't control the process, but you also can't control your teen's response to the process? It's not your responsibility to fix it or change it, but you can accept that they get to have whatever feelings they need to have about it. And you get to have your own feelings. And none of that has to be a problem.
Sometimes we all have to face disappointment in life, and all we can really do is love ourselves through it. What about dreading having your college kid come back home? Maybe you had a rough summer with them, or maybe you fear they're going to come home and spend all of their time out with their friends, or locked up in their room, or partying too much. You might dread having to be faced with their bad behavior again when you were blissfully free of it while they were away at school.
You don't have to convince yourself that you love their behavior, but you also can't control them. So why is any of this a problem? And look, I get that right now it's a problem, whatever situation you're dreading. In the case of the kid coming home that you want to spend time with, I get it, you want to spend time with them and connect with them.
And so when they don't seem to want the same thing, it can feel hurtful. But all that's really happening is that what you want doesn't match what they want, at least right now. And what if that doesn't mean they don't love you, or even that they don't want to spend time with you? Notice how acceptance can open a window for you to connect with your teen on a different level.
They're spending a lot of time with friends and it has nothing to do with me. I get to love them no matter what, and I'm here when they do have time to spend with me. I'm not going to waste that time feeling resentful that the time isn't good enough.
I've talked a lot about dread in our relationships and interactions with other people, but what about dread of the loss of these interactions? Like when you're transitioning to the empty nest. When you think about control, clearly we don't have control over the inevitability of our kids leaving home. Whether they go to college or just move out, in whatever way that happens, eventually they will leave home.
And in truth, it's what we want for them. We want them to self-actualize and pursue their dreams and stand on their own two feet. It's everything we've ever wanted for them and actually been working really hard to help them achieve.
And yet it can feel like in the process we're losing something too. What we're actually losing is the physical closeness. They used to live in that room and now they live in another room somewhere else.
We don't get to see them as much. That's the truth and there's no changing it. We don't have to love that part of it.
It's normal to walk by the room and feel sad. Suddenly the house is quieter and the space that your kid took up feels empty. You don't have to love that loss.
And accepting and loving yourself through that sadness is the way through it. But think about what contributes to the dread you might feel. That feeling of inevitability that what's ahead in life is going to be uncomfortable and painful.
That dread comes from what you're making the empty space mean. Are you making it mean that things will never get better? Are you thinking that beyond just losing the chance to see your kid every morning before school, that you're also losing your purpose? Losing your connection to your child? It's the answers to these questions that are fueling the dread. Fueling that sense that it is inevitable that you are going to feel lost and sad.
The number of the people in the house, that's just reality. That fact alone does not cause the dread. My friend, you create your pain.
Always. Other people, the holidays, the state of your nest. That's all just happening out in the world.
The circumstances of your life. And you're doing the best you can to relate to all of it. But sometimes in our mind's effort to try to make sense of it all, it creates this sense of dread.
A protective response to try to get us to avoid the discomfort of life. But the amazing thing about this is that in an effort to protect us, our minds actually create more pain for us. Our minds make our mother-in-law's criticisms mean something.
They make our uncle's political views a battle we need to fight. Our minds make us think we have to fix our kids or do the right thing to get them to be the version we think will make them and us the most happy. Our brains think that we're losing something when our kids leave home.
We learn from past experience that people are difficult and life is stressful. And my friend, then we doom ourselves to repeat these same patterns. The dread of going into these experiences again prepares us to fight.
To need to prove people wrong. To say the right thing to get our teens to behave or change their mind. The dread makes us overwork to try and do even more to make this year's holiday a success.
We spend so much energy trying to change the world just so we can give ourselves permission to be happy and at peace. But what if you started this whole journey already at peace? Imagine how different your experience of life would be if you didn't go into it dreading what was to come, but rather having already decided that you have the power to create peace right now, right in this minute. You don't need anyone's permission or compliance.
Understanding how to create this peace intentionally is the work we do in my one-on-one coaching program, Mom 2.0. My friend, imagine stepping into peace for the holidays. Your experience of the year ahead could be filled with wonder rather than dread. This is a gift you can give yourself.
Check out Mom 2.0, my friend. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review and check out our coaching program, Mom 2.0, at www.thesmalljar.com. You have more power than you think, my friend.
