WHAT IS A MINDSET TRAP?
Welcome to the Small Jar Podcast, where we moms of teens find the power to step off the emotional rollercoaster between motherhood and the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins. Episode number 138.
Hello, my friends, and welcome back to Small Jar's new series on the mindset traps that we fall into as moms in midlife. In this episode, I'm going to explore the question, what is a mindset trap? Is it something we have some control over, or is it simply an unconscious way of thinking that we're doomed to fall into? Over the past three episodes, I've covered the basic human instincts that fuel our mindset traps. Think of these episodes as the origin story of these traps.
And this week, I'm going to talk about how these concepts are connected and how they lead to mindset traps. Before I start diving into the specific mindset traps in future episodes, and I'm going to be covering 12 of them in all in this series, I want to make sure that I'm clear about the reason understanding the motivational triad, those basic instincts, is so critically important. Now, if you haven't had a chance to listen to the past three introductory episodes, let me just give you a brief recap of the motivational triad.
This concept describes the basic instinct we have as humans to seek comfort and pleasure, to avoid pain, and to conserve our energy. These instincts were born at a time when early man was living in caves and hiding from predators and needing to learn the basic skills of survival. These instincts, reinforced by our body's biology, give us the motivation to find food and continue our species by having sex and to avoid dangers.
So you can see how these instincts were critically important to us in the very early days of our existence. And these same instincts have fueled the human race's inspiration to create this world that is constantly evolving. We're constantly leveling up how we're able to seek pleasure and avoid pain and to keep our lives efficient.
Just think about how many easily accessible sources of pleasure we have in our lives. And not just simple pleasures. Back when we were living in caves, our brains would get dopamine from food like berries with such small amounts of sugar.
This was enough to give early man dopamine as a reward for eating food, which was essential to their survival. But now we have refined sugars in such concentrated form, and it's all over the place, so easy to access. We also have other forms of concentrated pleasure like alcohol, and Netflix, and online shopping.
We have all of these concentrated, easily accessible ways of having highly pleasurable, palatable, exciting, and dopamine-producing foods, and beverages, and activities in our lives. And notice how as a species, we've also constantly refined and innovated the ways we're able to seek those pleasures. I don't know why, but on my social media feed, I seem to be getting served a lot of CBD and THC products like gummies and beverages.
The pitch is that you get the pleasure and the relaxation of drinking alcohol without the headaches in the morning. Just one example of how companies are constantly striving to give us more pleasure with less downside as a selling point. In the same way, we want to avoid pain.
There's a huge drug industry centered around pain and anxiety management. Are we getting more anxious as a species, or are we just getting better at marketing the promise of less pain? If there's a pill I can take to feel better, some of us might say, why not? And I'm not casting any judgment here. Look, none of us want to be in pain.
We don't want to have to suffer through physical pain or emotional pain. We're no longer hiding from predators like our sisters in the caves were back in the day, but boy is there so much in our life that we don't want to have to endure when it comes to pain, or even discomfort. Even feeling bored can be something that we really want to avoid in our lives.
We found all these ways to stay busy so that we don't have to be bored. I was watching a comedian who was laughing about how in the old days, of course, the old days being when we grew up, but he said that back then, if you were waiting in a doctor's office, you weren't playing with your phone. You just had to sit there and wait.
Before the dawn of the internet and social media, even before we had thousands of channels and shows to choose from on TV, there was so much more time where you just had to be with yourself, to be bored, without easy entertainment. Now we don't only seek pleasure in the form of scrolling on our phones, but we also do this to avoid the discomfort of boredom, or even being alone with your thoughts. And again, I'm not saying any of this to judge.
My friend, I do my fair share of scrolling and watching Netflix at night. My point is simply this. We are instinctually motivated to seek pleasure and comfort and to avoid pain and discomfort.
And this shows up in so many areas of our lives. So this motivational triad creates this subconscious motivation. It's what we're likely to default to if we're not consciously thinking about it.
As I'm recording this episode, I'm just coming off of the holidays. And you know there's this time between Christmas and Hanukkah and the new year before you really have to get back into the swing of life where not a whole lot is expected of you. The schedule is much more relaxed than in everyday life.
It's like summer, but without even the draw of doing things outside. You can find yourself wanting to hibernate, stay warm and comfortable. And what I found was a desire to conserve energy.
I had no motivation to work out. I slept in. And as days were on, I found myself still in my pajamas by mid-afternoon.
On some days, it really became a toss-up whether or not I would bother to change into sweatpants or just leave my PJs on for the full day. Is it just me? On the one hand, I loved the flexibility and the luxury of not really having to be anywhere. But I also started to feel this sense of inertia where it was like the longer I did this, the harder it was to motivate to do anything.
My brain and my body seemed to be defaulting to conserve energy. I'm not going to lie that first Monday that I got back into the swing of things after the holidays, I almost felt a sense of relief. It's interesting that our motivations to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and conserve energy can actually be at odds with each other sometimes.
As much as I enjoyed the time to rest and relax over the holidays, I missed the comfort of a schedule. I missed the pleasure of working towards goals and feeling like I accomplished something at the end of the day. It's interesting to think about this in the context of our lives with teens and the transition to the empty nest as well.
Raising teens brings us immense joy and pride. And also heartache, anxiety, and frustration. We wouldn't trade the pleasure of having these humans in our lives.
But at the same time, it's hard to avoid the pain we experience because of the challenges or conflicts we face with our kids. Then the transition to the empty nest can be hard because we can perceive that we're losing some of this pleasure of parenting. The chance to connect regularly with our kids.
The pleasure that comes from our purpose as a mom. Some of us might feel some relief from the emotional stress of having a kid at home. Some of us can feel like it's out of sight, out of mind a bit.
But then they can call and be upset and then you're triggered. Or you could be in regular touch with your kid in college and feel just as in the weeds with them about their challenges as you would be if they were home. So being in the empty nest doesn't necessarily release you from this emotional discomfort.
And then when it comes to conserving energy, when your kids leave home, or honestly, even when they're still at home, but essentially out of the house a lot, maybe operating quite a bit more independently, you can find you have a lot more time on your hands. Do you find yourself feeling uncomfortable in the midst of the shift in your purpose? Maybe frankly, even feeling a bit more bored and lonely now that there are so many more hours to fill in your day. Do you find that your mind and your body is defaulting to conserve energy, feeling unmotivated to find new ways to spend your time? These instincts to seek pleasure, avoid pain and conserve energy can manifest themselves in so many different ways in our lives, sometimes even in conflicting ways.
But it's also important to take a moment to reflect that while these basic instincts are ingrained in each of us as humans, what each one of us perceive as pleasurable or painful, or the ideal amount of energy we need to expend, this is truly based on our own perspective. And that perspective obviously doesn't have to be fixed. There can be times when we value resting, and other times when we're focused on seeking the comfort of routines and the pleasure of accomplishment.
There are seasons in our lives, even within any given month or year, where our own perspective can shift. But it's important to recognize that each of us also have our own unique perspective about what is pleasurable, and what's painful, and what's worth investing energy in. The foods and the activities I think are pleasurable, and the things that I'm motivated to do and pursue in my life because I've learned or decided that these activities give me pleasure, these things could be entirely different from the things that give you pleasure.
We also each have a different threshold for pain and discomfort and boredom. And while we do each have an instinct to avoid pain, we all perceive that pain differently. I want to spend a moment here because I think we can also have this perception that somehow we're individually, innately geared to be able to tolerate more or less pain, and that that's somehow a function of what we're capable of.
For some reason, my husband and I watch a lot of these end-of-the-world shows, and we just recently binged a show called From, which I don't necessarily recommend. I always do this, I come on here and I talk about things I watch and I don't recommend them. I don't know why we kept watching this show.
It felt like a cross between the show Lost and The Walking Dead. Anyway, there's one aspect of this show where you get to see how different characters react while facing the discomfort and the pain of being stuck in this horrible situation. Like in any show of this type, there are some heroes that somehow appear to be unflappable.
They're not scared of the monsters, and even though they clearly are also experiencing stress and anger and all of these terrible feelings, it's like they pull themselves out of it relatively quickly. They seem to have this natural resilience. Then there are other characters that seem to fall apart or break under the pressure of the situation relatively quickly.
Because my husband and I seem to watch these shows a lot, we were big fans of The Walking Dead and just about any other apocalypse-type movie. But my husband recently told me that he feels like he would be really good at handling the stress of some major terrible apocalyptic event. Maybe really good is the wrong way to characterize it.
Basically, his perspective about himself is that he would know what to do, or he'd figure it out. Maybe this is a function of us having lived in Manhattan during 9-11. Ever since then, I feel like he's had in the back of his mind a a plan of action if something really terrible happened.
There was a hurricane that took out our power for two weeks a number of years ago, but we had a generator and enough supplies to last us for a while, so we were fine thanks to his planning. Anyway, the longstanding joke between us is that if it comes to a zombie apocalypse, I'm out. As much as I admire the characters in Walking Dead who learn to kill zombies and grow crops and figure out how to keep their community safe, I just don't see myself lasting that long.
I enjoy my creature comforts. So does this mean that I'm inherently someone who would rather give up than suffer pain? Am I so dependent on comfort that I'm not willing to suffer beyond a certain point? Or does my husband have a higher pain threshold than I do? Are our instincts to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and conserve energy just inherently different? Or have we simply developed different perspectives and preferences over the course of our lives that lead us to lean into one type of response or the other in the face of challenge? Let me bring this out of the world of the zombie apocalypse to real life, my friends. So is it really true that some of us are geared to be more resilient, able to handle the challenging moments of our lives a little better, and that others of us are more likely to feel overcome by their emotions, their anxiety, and their frustration? I think we tend to default to this assumption that we are a certain way, that we're each going to default to a certain type of behavior when circumstances get challenging.
I just want to invite you to consider if this is true for you. Do you currently believe that there are certain situations that you're really well equipped to handle, but then other situations that you find you would be totally in over your head? And I'm not talking about knowledge or skill sets that require some kind of training. I'm talking about whether you believe you have the mental and emotional fortitude or resilience to be able to handle challenging circumstances.
In those moments in life when things become really hard, do you think you're someone who has what it takes to step up and do what you need to do, or do you think you're not strong enough in some way? I'm willing to bet that it's a mixed bag, and here's what I mean. I would guess that there are certain situations where you feel highly capable, where you know exactly how to show up, exactly who you need to be, even when things get challenging. You roll with the punches.
But then there are other parts of our lives where we feel less secure, maybe not capable. You think about this part of your life and how you show up in it, and you have a lot of judgment. You might think that you're not good enough or always falling into patterns of behavior that you wish were different.
In our role as moms, I think it can be all of the above. Some days you feel like you're doing exactly what you need to do and being exactly who you want to be as a mom, supporting your kids and connecting with them. You're everything you would hope you could be for your kid.
And then there are other times when you feel like no matter what you do or try, you're not successful. We can tend to develop narratives about who we are. We'll think, I've always been this way.
I'm just an anxious person. I'm a control freak. I'm insecure, codependent, a perfectionist.
I lose my temper. I shut down when people are aggressive with me. I'm a people pleaser.
It's like we have these personas that we define ourselves by. As I've worked with women in my coaching business, I have been fascinated by how often a woman will clearly present as capable and resourceful and strong in so many areas of her life, but will also tell me about all of the ways she's inherently, innately not capable in other areas of her life. And these women often present these weaknesses as if it's the truth of who they are.
There are a few things that strike me about this. First, these women often don't give themselves enough credit for all of the ways that they're strong and resourceful. I'll even point it out to them and they'll brush it off as if it's a fluke.
But what these women don't realize is that the same mindset that empowers them to be strong and resourceful in some areas of their lives can actually teach them how to show up in that way in all areas of their lives. So which is it? Are we instinctually, innately designed to be a certain way? Or can we actually decide who we want to be? And how does the motivational triad, our instinct to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and conserve energy, how does this intersect with our mindset, with our thoughts, and our beliefs about ourselves and our lives? This relationship is really powerful to understand, so let me break it down for you. The motivational triad fuels our basic instincts.
These instincts are truly hardwired into our brain because they're a survival mechanism. Our bodies were designed to keep us alive. And so the way these instincts are triggered is automatic.
It's often not even conscious. And these instincts can impact how we have an urge to react or respond in situations in our life where any of these three goals are in jeopardy, or if they're offered to us as something that's an incentive. So for example, if our brain perceives danger, we're going to automatically want to avoid it.
If we're offered something that's highly pleasurable, we're going to have an urge to enjoy it. And if we're presented with a lot of information, our brains are going to want to simplify it. This is just our brains on autopilot.
And of course it's reinforced by our body's physiology and hormonal response. Quite frankly, it can feel like it's entirely out of our control. But then there's your mindset, which you can think of as the sum of all of the thoughts running around in your head.
These are the interpretations and narratives, really the stories we create about ourselves in our lives. These thoughts are shaped by our past experiences and our values and upbringing, our beliefs. And you can think of beliefs as thoughts that you've practiced over and over again.
Maybe someone offered you a thought at one time, like someone said to us, you're this way or you're that way. And we start to notice this about ourselves. And it's like, right, I believe this is who I am.
It's fascinating, actually. My dad used to call me scrappy. He thought I was a hard worker.
But looking back, I realize I interpreted this to mean that he thought I was a hard worker, but maybe not that smart. For a long time, it was an identity I had about myself. In some ways good, but in other ways limiting.
Let me ask you, what narratives do you have about yourself? Beliefs about who you are that you hold on to because someone at some point in your life told you that you were this certain kind of way. Or throughout the course of your life, maybe you yourself have noticed certain patterns of behavior or actions or ways of being that you then decide or believe that those behaviors mean something about who you are at your core. What I've covered in the first three episodes of this series on mindset traps are the instinctual, automatic, subconscious reactions and responses we have to our lives.
We're instinctually drawn to comfort and pleasure. When we're confronted with danger, we're going to want to avoid it. We feel this as a pang of anxiety.
If we're confronted with a difficult task, like having a hard conversation with our kids, our instinct is going to be to want to avoid it. Our instincts trigger an urge to act. And we feel these urges as physiological responses, like a racing heartbeat, or tension in your shoulders, a pit in your stomach.
If you're offered a food that you love, you might even have drool in your mouth. These physical responses are preparing us to take action. Now, we can either respond to the urge to act or not.
Now, my friend, we all react to these instincts sometimes. In fact, I would say that there are certain times when it's critically important that we react to these instincts immediately. But my friend, there are many other times when we don't even realize we're reacting until it's too late.
We say the thing we realize we maybe shouldn't have said to our kid. Or we nag a few more times than necessary. We lose our temper.
We eat the whole batch of cookies. Again, this isn't a judgment. My friend, I have done all of these things and more.
So here's something to consider. Our instincts don't exist in a vacuum. You have these instinctual urges automatically.
But then, your brain tries to make sense of what's going on. So now, we start having thoughts in response to our instincts. What if something's wrong? Or what if I'm doing something wrong? Maybe I can't deal with this right now.
We're judging our instinct and the urge we're having. We're judging that thing that's triggered our instinctual reaction. And like this instinctual reaction, this motivational triad, these judgments we have about our instincts and what triggered them, all of this is 100% normal.
Your brain operating exactly as it was meant to be. Our brains are doing their job, interpreting the world, giving meaning to what we're observing. Now here's where it gets interesting.
Because remember how we talked last time about how our basic instinct to conserve energy and be efficient, how this plays a critical role in the formation of our habits. We learn how to do something, or we learn something about the world, and then that thought pattern essentially gets delegated in our brain so that we don't have to relearn that same thing in the future. And again, let me remind you how helpful this is.
We don't have to relearn to drive every time we get in the car. We don't have to relearn how to tie our shoes. We just do these things, seemingly without thinking.
The process to do these things has been delegated as a habit in our mind. But did you know that certain patterns of thinking are also delegated in your mind? Now sometimes this is helpful. Like when you get into the habit of working out, for example.
In the beginning it takes a bit of effort to convince yourself to do this. In the short term it requires energy and potentially a little discomfort. And so your instinct is to want to avoid it.
But then you can break through this instinct by deciding to work out anyway. And then after a week or so it doesn't feel as hard to motivate yourself to keep doing this. The thought pattern that you created, that gave you the motivation to work out, is now almost delegated to the point that you've now developed this positive habit.
Even though it runs counter to your instinct to avoid pain and effort, this is one really practical way we can foster positive habits. Even though they don't align with some of our basic instincts. But there are other times when we let our basic instincts run the show.
And this also means that we sometimes develop patterns of thought that reinforce our basic instincts in less productive ways. For example, our instinct to avoid pain is critically important when it keeps us or those we love from real danger. But as moms, this instinct is often triggered by our teens in a wide range of situations.
Sometimes it does involve real danger or threat of physical harm. And other times it involves a threat to our child's well-being, their success, and their potential. Essentially any time that we perceive our child's safety, happiness, or success in whatever way we define it is at risk.
When this happens, it's very likely we're going to have an urge triggered by our instinct to avoid pain of that threat. We of course want to avoid harm to our kids, but we also want to avoid the potential for our kids to be sad, depressed, or in emotional pain. We also want our kids to grow up and thrive, and have the ability to lead responsible, independent lives.
And so when we see risks that this potential isn't being realized in some way, we can feel an urge to avoid the pain of that. Everything I've just described is an instinct. We might each have slightly different instinctual responses to different triggers based on how we were raised, our values, again all of which has been delegated to our subconscious based on years of practiced thought patterns.
What each of us view as successful, or what is tolerable risk, these preferences become instinctual over time. But nevertheless, these triggers create an urge for each of us to respond, an urge to act or to avoid pain, to seek comfort. So you can either give in to those urges, or you can learn how to interrupt them to react in a way that's more productive, or more in line with your goals and the way you want to show up in any given situation.
And this, my friends, is the power of learning the skill of self-coaching, which is what I teach my clients in my program Mom 2.0. We can't stop our instincts, those automatic urges to do something, but we can learn how to observe and take charge of the thoughts and the patterns of thinking that we have in response to those urges. You can actually learn how to watch your mind so that you can recognize how your mindset, the thoughts and the limiting belief that you have, that you may even have delegated to be habitual, how they're creating unnecessary emotional pain, like fueling your anxiety, and also how they might be the reason why you're showing up in your life in ways that may not be as effective sometimes, or that may lead you to feel more guilt and more regret in your life. In other ways, this work can also show us why, even though we're trying our best with our kids and in our lives, how sometimes our motivations, again driven by our own need to avoid pain and seek comfort, can be out of sync with our teens' needs, or even out of sync with our own higher goals, like building connections with our kids, or creating purpose in our lives, or allowing our kids to be independent.
The power of learning the skill of self-coaching is that you gain the ability to identify and challenge limiting thoughts. In doing this, you're able to gain control over how you respond to your instincts, and in the process, you break free from mindset traps, like catastrophizing and all-or-nothing thinking and perfectionism, so that you can create a more intentional experience of your life. My friends, the motivational triad is fueling your basic instincts, but it's your mindset that determines your emotional experience and the actions you take as a result.
And here's the good news, you have the power to change your mindset, and this is exactly what I teach you in Mom 2.0. Tune in next week where I dive into the first mindset trap, and if you're ready to start breaking free of these traps, schedule a date to meet with me to discuss how to dive into the Mom 2.0 program.
Until next time, friends.
If you enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review and check out our coaching program, Mom 2.0 at www.thesmalljar.com. You have more power than you think, my friend.
