REDEFINING SELF-AWARENESS
Welcome to the Small Jar Podcast, where we moms of teens find the power to step off the emotional rollercoaster between motherhood and the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins. Episode number 142.
Hello, my friends. I want to share something with you that you might not know about me. Well, if you've been following me for a while, you might suspect this.
But if you're break the ice and get this out there, I am far from perfect. I make mistakes as a mom. I second guess myself.
My brain is exceptionally good at catastrophizing, jumping straight to the worst case scenario. All or nothing thinking, we go way back. I get overwhelmed.
I sometimes question my decisions. And despite being a coach, I don't always get it right. And the honest truth is, I'm not happy all the time.
But as I've mastered these coaching tools, here's what has changed for me. It's how I experience my life. Through coaching, I've learned how to stop making my mistakes mean something terrible about me.
I do my best. I give myself credit for that. But when I make mistakes, I own them.
I learn from them. And then I move on. I let my boys feel however they need to feel about my parenting instead of trying to control their emotions by getting it right all the time.
When they tell me what they need, I listen, even when it's not what I want to hear. Like when they tell me to stop asking or that they don't want to share what's going on with them. I remind myself on a daily basis there is no one right way to do this.
Just this morning, I caught my brain spiraling into worst case scenario thinking about my son's college admission process. What if he doesn't get in anywhere he really wants to go? My brain thinks it's protecting him, but really protecting me from disappointment. I recognize this worst case scenario thinking for what it is.
My brain trying to create safety, to create certainty in the face of a process that is totally uncertain. And it's fascinating that my brain would rather wallow in the worst case scenario than sit with this uncertainty. Rather than telling myself there's something wrong with me for thinking this way, I marvel at the trickiness of my beautiful mind.
I remind myself that in fact I would rather sit with this discomfort of uncertainty than dwell on the negative possibilities that will very likely never happen. Feeling overwhelmed has long been my go-to emotion. It's the symptom of my mind thinking it has so much to do.
But now when I feel overwhelmed, I remind myself there is nothing I have to do in this moment. I drop the pressure of the shoulds and the have-tos, and I focus on what I truly need. When I feel sad, I get curious.
I ask myself, what is really causing this pain? And then instead of resisting it or making it mean something's wrong, I process it and come back to peace. Here's the truth. I'm not a great coach because I have it together all the time.
My mind regularly falls into mindset traps like perfectionism and all-or-nothing thinking. But my friend, I want to offer that I'm a great coach instead because I don't have it all together. I know so intimately the pain of falling into these mindset traps, navigating the uncertainty and the stress of raising teens and the transition to the empty nest.
But my coaching isn't about commiserating with you or sitting with you in the struggle and saying, yep, this is hard. Even though, trust me, I do think this transition can be hard. In fact, I dedicated a whole podcast episode on this topic.
But my value as a coach isn't just that I understand what you're going through as a mom or as an empty nester. It's that I can help you access a new kind of self-awareness, one that's rooted in honesty, curiosity, and compassion. You know what's interesting? When moms come to me for coaching, they are already so self-aware in many respects.
They recognize that they want more peace and confidence and connection in their lives. And they also understand that they need new tools to help themselves get there. This is an amazing first step.
But here's the problem. Most of us believe that self-awareness means being brutally honest about all of the ways we're falling short. We think we need coaching to fix the part of us that's broken.
But my friend, what if you're not broken? What if you don't need fixing, just a shift in your perspective? My goal with every one of my clients is to help them access this real honesty. Not the kind that tears them down, but the kind that opens us up. The kind that helps you see what you truly want and how you might have been unintentionally keeping yourself from it.
Because here's the hard truth. Most of us aren't even honest with ourselves about what we really want. And even when we are, we hesitate to take responsibility for giving it to ourselves.
So I want to invite you in this episode to think about redefining self-awareness. We often think about self-awareness being the key to personal growth. And for many of us, that sounds like a really good thing.
We want to be self-aware. And we are self-aware in many ways. We recognize our triggers.
We know when we're struggling. We see ways we could be doing better. But the truth is, most of us are using self-awareness against ourselves.
We think we're being honest, when in reality, we're just being self-critical. And here's what that looks like. You're exhausted.
You're stretched thin. You're overwhelmed. And so you tell yourself, I need to get it together.
I should be handling this better. Other moms seem to be figuring it out. Why can't I? Or maybe you find yourself constantly second-guessing your parenting.
Did I say the wrong thing? Am I too strict? Too lenient? Am I messing this up? You think, I'm just being honest with myself. If I can't see what I'm doing wrong, how will I ever fix it? But my friends, this isn't honesty. It's actually just self-judgment.
And when self-awareness is filtered through this lens of judgment, it doesn't help you grow. It just keeps you stuck. True self-awareness isn't about finding everything that's wrong with you.
It's about getting really curious, without judgment, about what's really going on underneath the surface. It's about asking the deeper, more compassionate questions. This is the critical difference between self-awareness and judgment.
And that is that true self-awareness is about understanding, while judgment is about And the difference between the two determines whether we grow or stay stuck. And here's the tricky thing. One of the reasons having a life coach is so valuable is that judgment is sneaky.
It often feels like self-awareness. And because we're often really good at beating ourselves up in subtle and long-standing ways, we don't even recognize it as self-judgment. In fact, I've had many clients come to me telling me, I'm pretty self-aware.
I don't have a problem with self-judgment. We think we're just telling the truth when we say things like, I should be handling this better. I always do this.
I get overwhelmed. I lose my patience. I mess things up.
Other moms have a closer relationship with their kids, or other moms are having an easier time transitioning to the empty nest. I must be doing something wrong. My child doesn't want to be with me.
We think, I'm just being honest with myself. On the one hand, it seems reasonable to think, if you don't recognize your flaws, you'll never improve. But here's the problem.
Judgment only leads to shame. And shame keeps you stuck because when you feel ashamed, you shut down. You either retreat into self-doubt, or you overcompensate, trying to be better, trying to prove that you're worthy, or trying to earn the right to feel good about yourself.
But my friend, true self-awareness doesn't shame you. It opens you up to having a new and more powerful relationship with yourself, as a loving, compassionate friend, rather than a critical mentor. Self-awareness isn't about tearing yourself down.
It's about understanding why you think, feel, and act the way you do, without judgment. Here's some examples of what true self-awareness sounds like. I notice I feel overwhelmed right now.
I wonder why. What's really causing this feeling? I see that I'm getting frustrated with my team. What expectation did I have that isn't being met? And what do I want to do with that? Or I recognize that I feel unappreciated.
Instead of making this mean I'm not valuable or worthy, what do I actually need right now, and how can I give that to myself? In other words, judgment asks, what's wrong with me? And self-awareness asks, what's really going on here? Judgment assumes you should be different, and self-awareness meets you where you are, and helps you move forward. This distinction truly matters, because when we judge ourselves, we create this emotional weight that makes it really hard to change. It's like trying to run a marathon while weighted down with a really heavy vest.
But when we shift into true self-awareness, we drop that heavy vest, and we shift into curiosity. And this curiosity leads to real change, because instead of punishing yourself, you start to understand yourself. So the first step is to understand what you really want and need in your life.
So often the things we think we want, whether it's appreciation or connection or even less uncertainty, these things aren't actually what we're craving deep down. And because we don't pause to get truly honest with ourselves about what we really want and need, we keep searching in the wrong places, hoping something outside of us will finally make us feel the way we want to feel. I'm going to share a few examples to show you what I mean.
Sometimes my clients will share that they feel really unappreciated. And look, as moms, we do everything. We manage our households, we keep track of schedules, make sure everyone has what they need.
But have you ever noticed our families, and definitely our teenagers, are not always good at recognizing all of this effort? How often have you thought to yourself, a simple thank you would be nice? The thought that often comes up for us is that I just want my family to appreciate me more. And is that really too much to ask? But here's what's almost always underlying this desire for a bit more appreciation. It's not actually about the thank yous.
It's about the validation that the thank yous allow you to feel. As moms and as women, we just want to feel seen. We want to feel valued.
And like our role matters to our kids, to our partners and our families. Do you feel like you can relate? I definitely can. Who among us doesn't want to feel like we matter? But here's the tricky part.
When we wait for our kids or our family members to demonstrate their appreciation in a certain way, so that we then get to feel appreciated, we're in effect outsourcing the responsibility of affirming our own value and worth. In other words, we wait for our kids to show us our worth, rather than deciding that we're worthy. This comes up in so many ways for us moms as we face this big life transition.
Our kids might pull away and we feel like they don't need us anymore. Then we feel hurt and lost. Or our kids head to college and we're left feeling like we're losing this meaningful role that we've had.
And we're not sure how to feel validated without it. My friend, here's the truth. Appreciation feels wonderful.
And being a mom is a beautiful experience. But if you don't believe in the truth of your own value first, there is no amount of external validation that will ever feel like enough. One thing that I've really had to come to terms with in my own life as a mom is that when I look to my kids for validation, whether it be through their appreciation of me or even in their accomplishments, me thinking that somehow if they're successful, it means I'm successful as a mom.
The problem with this is that we then put our kids in charge of filling that need for us, making us feel worthy and valuable. And the truth is, this is not our kids' responsibility. So here's another example of how we use this self-awareness to get really honest about what we want or need.
I've worked with so many women who feel disconnected from their teens as they grow up, and particularly as their teens pull away. It can honestly feel like our kids don't want anything to do with us anymore. I just explored this in the context of feeling validated, but now I want to talk about it in terms of our desire for connection.
When our kids pull away, it's natural for us to feel frustrated and hurt. I mean, we're always trying our best. You make an effort to reach out.
You try to put on a brave face when your kid comes home. You ask about their day, and you continue to do all the things to support them. But then you get silence, or eye rolls, closed doors, mumbled responses, or worse, clear irritation and obnoxious behavior.
You can feel like no matter what you do, you can't get your kid to engage in a positive way. So many moms have told me they come home and they feel like they're walking on eggshells, that they're afraid of saying the wrong thing. It's not a big leap for us to go to that worst case, that our kids don't love us anymore, that they don't care about our feelings.
And even more, we worry that it will never get better, that when they head off to college, that the relationship will only get worse. In coaching, when I ask my clients why they feel disconnected, the answer seems obvious. It's the way my teen's acting.
It's the clear signs that my kid wants nothing to do with me. And I don't want to discount the pain of this, my friends, because I've been there. There was a period of about a year when my son wouldn't look me in the eye.
He went out of his way to avoid me. It makes sense that we feel hurt and disconnected. Because the truth is, we all have expectations about what connection should look like.
In fact, we probably know other moms and other kids, and we think that is what it should look like. The kids being kind to their moms, opening up about their days. It should look like my kid coming home from school, giving me a big hug and telling me they love me as they head to their room and do all their homework.
It should look like them spending time talking to me over dinner. And the even more painful thing is that we see this working in other families. At least from the outside, it looks that way.
And we wonder why we can't have this same easy connection with our kids. It's not hard to think, well, if my kid really cared, they'd want to talk to me. Or I must have done something really wrong to make my teen pull away from me like this.
We make our kids' actions mean that we're being rejected, that our relationship is broken, or that we're not enough. But here's the truth. True connection isn't about our kids meeting our expectations.
It's not about them doing exactly what we think they should do so that we can trust that they love us and want to be with us. True connection is us meeting our kids where they are. Let me put it this way.
However your teen is acting right now, however they're showing up or reacting to you, that's what's true for you right now. And let me clarify. Try to take the drama out of it.
If you were to really observe your child's behavior, you could probably point to the number of times that they don't talk to you when they come home. Are you discounting the number of times that they do talk to you? Or if your kid at college rarely texts back, but when they do, they say sorry or give you the rare but small gift of I love you, are you receiving those messages? Or are you focused on the number of times they don't meet your expectations? What I've noticed is this. When we think we're being rejected, we tend to only see evidence to support this idea.
And we discount evidence of when our kids truly do try to connect with us. What also happens is we can reject our kids back. We don't want to feel hurt and rejected, and so we stop seeking them out.
We can stop making as much of an effort because we don't want to be disappointed again. Another thing about our expectations is that they don't often account for the possibility that whatever is going on with your child right now, it could simply be their way of growing up and dealing with the circumstances of our lives. That it has absolutely nothing to do with us.
In fact, it's very possible that our kids are doing the best they can right now. For sure, taking us for granted because you know what they expect? They expect that their mom will always be there for them, no matter what. So yes, that could mean that they're not appreciating us as much as we'd like them to, or making as much of an effort to connect with us as we'd like.
But also, there is beauty in considering this, that no matter how they're showing up, it is not a measure of their love for you. When you stop expecting your kids to act a certain way so that you get to feel connected to them, you free yourself to actually experience the relationship right in front of you. This is who your child is right now.
I know you love them, and the power of your connection with them can truly be loving them unconditionally. Even if relationship doesn't look exactly like what you want it to look like right now. The alternative is that you make your connection conditional.
You tell yourself you can't feel connected unless your child acts a certain way. And even more, you might start showing your teen this by withdrawing, by rejecting them back. Believe me, I've been there.
And when I really faced this truth, I decided I wanted to accept my child for exactly who he is. And even that grace connected me to my son and my unconditional love for him in a whole new way. The quality of the relationship you have with anyone in your life is simply the sum of the thoughts you have about that person.
So if you think your teen is rejecting you, the quality of that relationship in your mind is understandably low. But if you really believe that your child does love you, even if they're not doing much to show it, and when you lean into the truth that you will always love your child no matter what, connection is available to you. Going back to this concept of what we truly need, I think we can tend to get so caught up in raising our teens that we don't put as much energy into our relationship with friends and others outside of our kids.
And so sometimes the honest truth is that we're lonely, we're craving connection, and we can rely on our kids to fill that need for us as well. I think for those moms who've had a close relationship with their kids, this can be a particular challenge as they transition to the empty nest. It's like, these are my favorite people in the world.
This is where truly understanding that connection comes from inside of you and not from external circumstances. Understanding this is truly transformational. You know, you've heard that saying, you can be lonely in a room full of people, but fully connected when you're by yourself.
Feeling connected, the quality of the relationships you have, truly comes from the way that you think about all of it. So the last example I'll share about finding this new self-awareness relates to how many of us feel as our kids leave the nest. Whether our kids are heading off to college, moving out, or just becoming more independent, we can feel this deep fear and even dread, asking ourselves, who am I now that my child doesn't need me as much as they used to? As much as we can understand that it's normal for us to feel sad during the shift, it's heavy.
It's not just about the kids leaving. It's about what's left of us and for us as our kids leave. It's really about what comes next for us.
For so long, being mom has given structure to our days. We felt this daily sense of purpose and it shaped who we are. It shaped our identity.
For two decades, we've supported our kids. We've met their needs and guided them through challenges. And now, there's so much more space.
And that space can feel terrifying because we feel like we're not sure how to fill that space. For many of us, it's been a long time since we've had that space or even a need to ask that question, what do I want? What are my dreams? It's like we don't even know where to start. And that's where so many of us get stuck because wanting something for ourselves feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable.
We don't know what we're qualified to do. Everything can feel like a lot of work to figure out. And the unknown can feel overwhelming.
So what can happen is that we cling to what we know. We focus on wanting to feel needed. We find ways to keep our focus on our kids because shifting that focus feels uncomfortable.
But what we really want is purpose. We want meaning. We want to continue to grow as we've been growing as a mom all this time.
And my friend, in the same way that we've created our purpose as a mom with intention, we can continue to feel this deep, meaningful purpose as our kids launch into the world. I don't know about you, but I choose to never let go of my role as a mom. I will always be that to my boys.
But what that looks like is shifting. And it's requiring me to grow and become a new version of myself. I need to shift the way I relate to my sons now that they're adults.
I need to shift my expectations and be willing to let go of how I think they should live their life. Don't get me wrong, I get to hold on to all of this, my expectations, my ideas about what they should do. But what I've found is that holding on to these expectations actually creates unnecessary friction in my relationship with them.
And maybe more importantly, focusing on my expectations keeps me from seeing all the beautiful ways they are already taking a lead in their own lives. There are so many ways left for us to grow as moms. So much purpose left in this role, even as our kids launch.
But also, there's space to create even more. To ask, what is possible for me? What if instead of fearing the unknown, we got to get curious about it? Because underneath our fear, there's something really powerful. There's a desire to grow and evolve and step into that next version of yourself.
I think the real challenge here isn't letting go of our kids, it's letting go of the belief that our purpose is only tied to them. The truth is, this isn't the end of our story, not as a mom, not as a woman. This is simply the beginning of a new chapter, and you get to decide what it looks like.
This new self-awareness invites you to be honest with yourself about what you really want, and what's standing in your way. My friend, you are not broken. You don't need fixing.
So many of us come to self-improvement thinking that if we could just figure out what's wrong with us, we'd finally be able to change and feel better. But the truth is, self-awareness isn't about identifying your flaws. It's about deeply understanding yourself without judgment, with compassion.
And that's where so many of us get stuck. We think we're being honest when we focus on all the ways we're falling short, all the ways we aren't enough. We think if I could just be more patient or more present or more confident, then I'd be happy.
We often also think that if we're too compassionate with ourselves, that it's like we're letting ourselves off the hook. So many of us have developed this mindset that we have to beat ourselves up to grow and improve. But my friends, this blame and self-judgment doesn't actually help you move forward.
What changes everything is when you get curious about what's really going on for you. It's about understanding the thoughts and beliefs creating your emotional experience. It's about being truly honest with yourself about what you really want and need, and how you might be relying on your kids or things outside of yourself to try to fill that need.
There is no shame or judgment in this. In fact, we all do it, because we haven't learned another way. And this is exactly what I teach in my one-on-one coaching program, Mom 2.0. You have the opportunity to take responsibility for filling that deep desire in you for yourself.
You don't need anyone else's permission to feel like you're enough, like you have value and purpose, to feel connected and love for your children. Throughout this episode, I've shared just a few examples of how we stand in our own way of getting what we really want. And although I didn't explicitly spell it out, each one of these examples involves mindset traps, like all-or-nothing thinking and confirmation bias, catastrophizing perfectionism, the list goes on.
Understanding these mindset traps and how they show up in our lives and hold us back. Understanding these mindset traps and how they show up in our lives and hold us back is so powerful. But your true power is understanding how you actually have the ability to break free of these traps through this radical self-awareness.
I invite you to schedule a time to talk to me about how my Mom 2.0 program can help you access this true self-awareness. My friend, self-awareness without compassion is just self-judgment. And self-awareness, when we don't take responsibility for our own emotional experience, just keeps us waiting.
Waiting for someone else to validate us, for our kids to behave in a certain way, or for the circumstances of our lives to finally shift so we can feel better. But the truth is, nothing outside of you has to change for you to feel better. You don't have to wait for your kids to change.
You don't need anyone else's permission to know you have worth. You don't have to wait for a perfect plan before you begin creating what's next for you. The question I want you to sit with today is, what do I really want and how can I start giving that to myself? Whatever it is, know this, you are the only one who can create it for yourself.
And if you're ready to start that journey, I'd love to help. Coaching isn't about perfection, it's about progress. It's about learning how to navigate this chapter of motherhood and midlife with more confidence, clarity, peace, and self-love.
You are not at the end of your story, my friend. You are at the beginning of something new, and I can't wait to see what you create. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review and check out our coaching program mom2.0 at www.thesmalljar.com. You have more power than you think, my friend.
