MINDSET TRAPS OF THE EMPTY NEST - TRAP #4 - ILLUSION OF CONTROL
Welcome to the Small Jar Podcast, where we moms of teens find the power to step off the emotional rollercoaster between motherhood and the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins. Episode number 145.
Hello, friends. I am so glad you're here with me as we continue our journey through the mindset traps of the empty nest. So I wonder if there is any one of us who finds this whole business of raising teens and sending them off in the world easy.
For sure, each one of us might experience some parts of it in a way that feels easier than others. We all honestly have different experiences and might find different parts of this transition easier or harder. But one thing I've noticed is that we just don't talk much about it as moms.
Hopefully, you have a friend in whom you can confide. But even then, I feel like what you get is your friend trying to cheer you up or tell you what to do, give you advice. Sometimes it's helpful to complain and commiserate, but this also doesn't really solve anything if we're being honest.
And it can also be really hard to be honest. I know as my boys have gotten older, there are many parts about their experience that I just don't want to share, if only because I don't want to violate their privacy. But also, there are some parts that we don't want to talk about because we don't want to be judged.
We don't want other people to judge us, and we definitely don't want them to judge our kids. So unlike the days when we used to sit around those toddler playdates complaining about sleep schedules and how messy our living rooms were, now we don't feel as comfortable or confident airing our dirty laundry. There are things we just don't want to talk about that relate to our kids.
And we also often don't want to admit even to our closest friends how much we're struggling, how we're trying so hard to keep it together. Or maybe it's our friend that's struggling and we don't feel comfortable admitting that we're actually doing really well in some areas of our lives. Isn't it fascinating that it becomes taboo not only to be honest about our struggles, but also about our successes and areas of joy and pride? The point is, this is a lonely time of motherhood, and so I hope you find some comfort in being part of the Smalljar family, where you can be unapologetically yourself.
You get to celebrate your wins and be open about your deepest fears, and I will never judge you or think you're wrong for any of it. Because honestly, I know from personal experience that our brains are really good at coming up with some amazing stuff, some of it fantastic, and also the stuff that just keeps us stuck in misery. And that's exactly as it should be.
Except what I want to show you with this Mindset Trap series is that you have more power than you think you do. In fact, your power is in deciding where you have control and where you don't. And this, my friends, is what this episode about the illusion of control is all about.
So if you've been following this series so far, you may have heard me talk about how the perspective we have about raising teens and the road to the empty nest, how the thoughts and beliefs we have about this time of our life, how all of that shapes our experience of this season in a way that can make it feel harder than it has to be. In fact, much of the stress and frustration that we can feel during this time of life is caused by hidden Mindset Traps. Really, these automatic thoughts and beliefs that keep coming up for us and keep us stuck on this emotional rollercoaster.
Now, you've probably also heard me say again and again that these Mindset Traps are not a sign that there's anything wrong with you, but they are habitual ways of thinking that your brain has developed to keep you safe. The problem is they don't actually keep you safe. Instead, what they do, whether you're still in the thick of raising teens or you're already facing the reality of an empty house, these Mindset Traps can keep you stuck in anxiety, self-doubt, guilt, and frustration, making it feel like you're stuck in pain rather than getting to fully experience the joy and beauty of watching your kids grow up and you stepping into a new chapter of your life.
Here's the thing about life. We all know that it's not going to be moonlight and roses all the time. We're realistic enough to know that there are going to be painful parts and boring parts, and that's just life.
But what I know was true of my life before I found this work is that I was often really caught up in the negative and painful aspects of my life in a way that meant I had to work really hard to be present for the happy moments. Do you ever do this to yourself? Like, set a goal to be present or to be mindful. You tell yourself you're going to start meditating or journaling.
I used to try to get to yoga after work, and I would find these peaceful moments where I was free of all the mind drama, the stress and anxiety of my life. I'd break free from it for a short period of time, and then I'd go home or I'd go back to work, whatever my main trigger was at that time of my life, and I'd get overwhelmed and stressed again almost immediately. It was like when I said, I want to be present.
What I really meant was that I needed to find relief from the pain of my life. I wanted freedom. But when you really think about it, you are here right now.
You are already present in your life. You are, right this minute, listening to my voice, present. And also, your mind might be running in a million different directions, thinking about what's going on with your team or what you have to do today, something that you don't know the answer to.
At any given moment, our minds are running in a million different directions, and they take us to painful places, away from our present moment, stuck in mindset traps. And so this is why this work is so life-changing. Because if you can develop a powerful understanding of how your mind works, you gain the ability to gently direct your mind back to the present, back to appreciating the beauty of your life exactly as it is.
It is truly always there for you, right in front of you. But so often, we're so stuck in these mindset traps that we can't see it. So let's recap what we've talked about so far in this mindset trap series.
I started with the emotional roller coaster. And this is the trap of emotional reasoning, which is what happens when we let our emotions dictate reality. It's the trap of thinking, I feel anxious, so something must be wrong.
Or I feel guilty, therefore I definitely have something to feel guilty about. You can think of it like this, just like a flashing warning light on your car dashboard. Our emotions aren't random.
There are responses to something happening in our mind. And when we take the time to understand the thoughts creating these emotional signals, we gain the ability to respond with awareness rather than just reacting to our emotions. Instead of feeling at the mercy of how we feel, we can start to see our emotions for what they are, valuable information and not absolute truths.
The second trap I covered was all or nothing thinking. This is when we see things in extremes. Either everything's going great or it's a total disaster.
Either we're doing this mom thing perfectly or we're failing. Our kids are either okay or they're in really big trouble. And then our brain spirals down into the worst case scenario.
What's ironic is that our brain actually thinks this type of thinking keeps us safe, as if simplifying everything into black and white categories will help us avoid mistakes or danger. But in reality, it does the opposite. It traps us in unnecessary stress and anxiety, making it really hard to see the full picture of what's happening.
Most recently, we tackled the comparison trap, the way our minds constantly measure our parenting, our success, and even our happiness against other people. You're waiting for your teen and you see another mom walk up and her teen greets her with this easy smile and maybe even a hug. And you immediately feel this pang of why isn't my relationship with my child like that? Or you hear another woman talking about a vacation with girlfriends and you think, I wish I had a close group of girlfriends.
You can even see another mom struggling in some way and then feel guilty about the fact that you're doing okay in comparison. Guilty that you feel a sense of relief that this isn't a problem that you're facing. We do this all the time without even realizing it.
We take these fleeting moments, an interaction with someone, a story we overhear, a passing comment, and we turn all of it into evidence that we're missing something or doing something wrong. But when we fall into that illusion, we lose sight of what's real, the depth and complexity and imperfection of our own journey and how that's really true for everyone else as well. Now, these first three mindset traps I've explored are all about what's happening inside of our minds.
They shape how we interpret our experiences, how we react to our emotions, and how we see ourselves in relation to others. But today I'm shifting gears because the illusion of control isn't just about what's happening in our minds. It's about how we interact with the outside world.
It's the belief, often so deeply ingrained in our minds that we don't even question it. That if we just say or do the right thing, make the right decisions, or parent in the right way, that we can control our circumstances or other people, or more specifically, our kids. That if we do everything right, that we can ensure our kids happiness and prevent their mistakes or steer them toward the life that we really hope for them.
And while this belief comes from love, in the case of our kids, and very good intentions, it can also lead us to feel exhausted, frustrated, and disconnected with them. Because the truth is, no matter how much we want to, we can't control other people's emotions, their choices, and certainly not their future. And the more we try, the more we hold on to something that was never really in our control to begin with, the more it's likely that our kids are going to pull away and we're going to feel frustrated in the process.
And I get it. I really do. I love having control.
I'm not going to lie. And for so many years, we did have control over so many aspects of our kids' lives as moms. We were the ones setting the schedule, making the decisions, keeping our kids safe.
And look, we don't like to think of it as control, but let's call a spade a spade. I almost wonder, at least for me, if there's some part of me that loved that part of parenting, that felt so validated directing my boys' lives in ways that I perceived helped them be successful and good people. It was all for them.
I've wanted my boys' safety, happiness, and success more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. But I actually can't feel my boys' happiness. I feel mine.
I feel my sense of safety, my happiness, and pride seeing them be in a good place. But then as our kids get older, we inevitably feel that sense of control and influence over their lives slipping away. And for so many of us, that can be terrifying.
So what we do is we try to hold on tighter. We try to guide them, to fix things, to steer them in the right direction. Because we love them.
Because we just want them to be okay. But here's something to consider. We were actually never really in control.
We're just being forced to confront this reality as our kids now become independent. So today I want to talk about what happens when we get caught in the illusion of control, how it impacts our relationships with our kids, how it fuels our anxiety, and most importantly, how to break free from this mindset trap. Let's start with a few examples of how this mindset trap sneaks into our lives as moms.
Because you might not even realize how often we can fall into this trap on a day-to-day basis. And let me be very clear here. Everything I'm about to talk about comes from love.
We try to control or influence our kids because we care so deeply about them. But the hard part is the more we hold on, the more we create stress and disconnection, both for them and for us. One of the most common ways the illusion of control shows up is in our kids' academic or professional success.
Maybe you check your kid's online grade portal every day, or you follow up about missing assignments. If they're in college, maybe you check up on them to make sure they're going to class. You remind them to get a summer job or to start applying to real jobs if they're close to graduating from college.
You worry about whether they're ready for that next step in life, whatever it is. But then your kid doesn't seem to care about it as much as you do, and so you feel frustrated, maybe even panicked. Because in your mind, their success is tied to their future.
And so you think, if I can just stay on top of this, I can make sure that they succeed. I can make sure that they avoid failure. And in your mind, you can't help but think that if you don't push, they will fail or fall behind.
But the problem is, the more we push, the more our kids push back or shut down completely. In fact, it can feel like the very thing we're doing to try to help our kids succeed is actually creating more resistance from them. Another area where the illusion of control shows up is in our kids' friendships and dating relationships.
On the one hand, if your team doesn't seem to have many close friends, you can feel it like a gut punch. You don't want them to feel alone, so you can't help but try to encourage them to be more social. Or maybe your worry is the opposite.
Maybe your kid is hanging out with the wrong crowd, kids who seem like trouble or who are mean. So then you think, if I can just guide them toward a better friend group, then I can protect them. I've also coached women who feel torn because they see their teen in a toxic friend group, but they also don't want their kid to feel left out.
You can feel torn between wanting your kid to just find new friends and, on the other hand, wanting to help them fit in with the toxic group more easily. Dating relationships are a whole other area of stress. You want the relationship your kid has to be healthy and for them to be with someone who seems good for them.
And you hate to see your kid in pain or struggling when they get into a fight with their boyfriend or their girlfriend. Or maybe they haven't found anyone and they feel like something's missing. We have so many opinions in this area, but the bottom line is we don't have any control or influence over who our kids connect with, who they date, or how social they are.
And I know from painful personal experience that sometimes our efforts to get involved here can cause serious damage to our relationship with our kids. The more we judge, the more our kids can close themselves off to our judgment. And that can also mean them pulling away.
Now, this next one is a tough one because we all want to keep our kids safe. And with technology, we have more access to information about where they are than our parents did. And look, I'm not saying tracking apps are bad, but have you ever found yourself obsessively checking? Maybe they don't answer your text and suddenly you're worrying, where are they? Are they okay? Maybe you feel like if you just keep close enough, watch, you can prevent bad things from happening.
I'll be honest, I spent an agonizing five hours trying to track my son down while he was in Europe for the summer. I found out he'd decided to take a solo tour outside of Vienna to go to a rock concert. And all of a sudden I thought from all the way around the world, I would be able to do something if for some reason he got off track.
My friend, the painful truth is we can't control our kids' choices. Even if we know exactly where they are, we can't control what they do in that moment. And when our first resort is responding to our own fear, our kids can sense that we don't trust them.
And this creates even more distance, not more safety. They start hiding things, avoiding conversations, resenting the lack of freedom. Now, this doesn't mean we don't set boundaries with our kids.
But the trick here is navigating how to set boundaries and consequences while recognizing where we have control and where we don't. This is a tricky balance. Now, let's talk about our kids' emotional well-being.
We all want our kids to be happy. And this can be really hard for us when we see our kids unhappy, when they're anxious or depressed, or just not themselves. It can feel unbearable.
And so, of course, we try to fix it. We offer advice. We try to cheer them up, try to get them to talk, ask a million questions.
Because deep down, we believe, if I can just say the right thing or get them to open up, maybe I can fix their emotions. But the truth is, while we can, of course, always be there to support our kids, their feelings are not ours to fix. They, like us, are going to experience the full range of human emotions.
And sometimes the best thing we can do is let them feel their emotions. The problem is that this is really hard to do when we're convinced that it's our responsibility to make our kids happy. Finally, let's talk about letting go.
When our kids leave for college or move into their next phase of life, that pull to stay connected can feel overwhelming. Maybe you find yourself texting constantly. You get into arguments with your kid about how much they call home.
In your heart, you feel like, if I can just stay connected to my kid, that will ensure that we don't lose our connection. But the reality is that sometimes, the tighter we try to hold on, the more distant they become. We think we're just maintaining our connection, but our kids experience this as pressure and guilt.
So often when we feel that sense of control slipping away, we react, we push, we worry, we hold on tighter. And sometimes, yes, our kids do pull away. But I want to be really clear about something.
It's not your fault if that's happening. Your child pulling away isn't proof that you've done something wrong. It isn't a reflection of your parenting or how much they love you.
Teens and young adults naturally seek independence. It's part of their development. Even if you had done everything perfectly, they would still need to create space to figure out who they are.
But here's the real reason this illusion of control matters. It's not just that it can create tension with our kids. It's that it makes us feel terrible.
It keeps us stuck in anxiety and frustration and self-doubt and guilt. It makes us feel like we're constantly failing, like we're never doing enough, and like everything depends on us doing it right. And when we're caught in that mindset, it's hard to show up as the mom we truly want to be.
Instead of being present, we're preoccupied. Instead of feeling connected, we feel desperate for reassurance. And instead of trusting ourselves and our kids, we live in a constant state of worry.
That's why this work matters. Not so we can be better moms, but so we can feel better in our own experience of motherhood. So we can parent from a place of trust instead of fear.
And so we can create a relationship with our kids that isn't built on control, but on genuine connection. Okay, at this point you might be thinking, I get it. I see how this illusion of control is showing up in my parenting.
I see how it's making me feel anxious and exhausted. But if I don't try to help my kids do the things I really hope they'll do, then what? Am I supposed to just let go and give up? Accept what they're doing and get over it? This is exactly why we feel such a strong resistance to letting go. Because it kind of feels like giving up.
It feels like powerlessness. Even when we recognize that we can't actually control our kids' choices or feelings, stepping back still feels incredibly difficult. And this is why the illusion of control gives us comfort.
Even though feeling the responsibility to constantly manage and influence our kids' lives can feel exhausting, it also feels safe. If we believe that we have some control, then we don't have to sit with our powerlessness and uncertainty. We don't have to face the fear that something could go wrong, that our kids might struggle or make mistakes.
The idea that we can prevent pain, either for them or for ourselves, this can feel like a lifeline. For some of us, also being involved, managing the details of our kids' lives, making sure they're okay, it gives us purpose. For years, our role has been to take care of our kids.
And even though that role has definitely changed as they've grown up, there's still a part of us that feels like, if I'm needed, I'm valuable. And so we can hold on, because it's what we've always done. And not doing this means stepping into the unknown.
This can feel scary. And for so long, being a mom has been central to our identity, not just in a general way, but in a very practical way. Our daily routines, our decisions, the way we structure our days, even our emotions have been tied to our kids' needs.
And so this question of letting go raises a lot of other questions, like, what is my role if they don't need me? And then the even scarier question, if they don't need me, will they still love me and want me in their life? My friend, there's nothing wrong with you if you feel any of this. You know, we've been feeling this in different ways since our kids were babies. When they took their first steps, we wanted so badly for them to walk.
We were so excited when they did. But there was also this tiny heartbreak in knowing they were growing up so quickly. And every milestone since then has been a version of this same feeling.
Proud, but also aching a little inside as they become more independent. I am feeling this very intensely right now as I face my baby's high school graduation. I am so happy for him and proud of him.
And I'll be honest, I'm excited about my next chapter. I don't dread the empty nest. But my heart is breaking a little bit thinking about him leaving home.
Letting go, whether it's giving your teen more space or launching your kid into adulthood. All of these stages are just another step in that process of saying goodbye to a beautiful stage. And with each stage, you have less and less control.
And that can feel like less relevance, less connection to the beauty of what you had before. So far, I've touched on a few of the ways the illusion of control ties into our brain's natural instinct to want to feel safe. But to really understand why letting go feels so hard, it's helpful to look at this through the lens of the motivational triad, those three fundamental instincts that drive our human behavior.
If you remember from past episodes, the motivational triad consists of avoiding pain, seeking pleasure, and conserving energy. So how does this play into the illusion of control? So first, at its core, the illusion of control is our brain's attempt to avoid the pain of uncertainty. Because uncertainty feels dangerous.
If we don't know what's going to happen, if we don't know for sure that our kids will be happy, safe, and successful, it triggers the part of our brain that's constantly scanning for threats. And when our brains perceive a threat, we feel an urge to try to control it or change it. So if I stay on top of their grades, I can make sure they don't fail.
If I track their location, I can make sure nothing bad happens to them. If I keep reminding them to make good choices, then I can prevent them from making mistakes. It feels protective.
It feels like we're being good moms. But the irony is, instead of preventing pain, we create more of it for ourselves. Because we can't actually prevent uncertainty.
And we can't control their choices. But the more we try, the more we experience our own anxiety, frustration, and maybe even disappointment when they don't listen to us. The second part of the motivational triad is our brain's desire to seek pleasure, to feel rewarded, and to experience connection.
And one of the most powerful emotional rewards we experience as moms is feeling needed. For years, we've received validation for the role we play in our kids' lives. And there's nothing wrong with any of this.
Feeling needed feels good because it reinforces the connection we have with our kids. We know intellectually that our kids were never meant to need us in the same way forever. But when they start pulling away and stop needing us in the same way, our brain interprets this as a loss.
A loss of happiness and connection. And so it's no wonder that we have an urge to hold on tighter. Finally, the third part of the motivational triad is conserving energy.
One way our brain does this is by taking mental shortcuts. So our brains actually default to familiar patterns of thinking rather than having to analyze every new situation. And for most of our kids' lives, controlling things has been our habit.
Helping them be safe and happy and successful has been our job. And we've practiced it over and over for many years. So it's a habit.
And even as our kids don't need us to do this anymore, our brain resists this change because it's simply defaulting to that well-practiced habit. So often we remind our kids and follow up with them, not even because we don't trust them, but because this is just how we've been doing things for the past 15 or 20 years. Shifting out of this pattern takes effort.
Like changing any habit, it's not immediately easy. So for all of these reasons, it makes perfect sense why we struggle to let go of control. But I've shown you how this illusion of control actually only creates pain for us.
It doesn't keep us safe or guarantee that we stay connected to our kids. In fact, it actually can create the opposite. Real peace and connection comes from breaking free of this habit.
Because when we accept that uncertainty is a part of life, when we trust that our kids' independence doesn't mean that they love us any less, and when we stop reacting to the old habit of control, that's when we actually start to feel free. That's when we create the space for a new chapter of connection with our kids. So where do we go from here? How can you break free from this trap of the illusion of control? Well, the first step is simply awareness.
And this Mindset Trap series truly is about shining a light on these mindset traps so that you can start noticing how they show up in your life and how these traps also make perfect sense in so many ways. The next step is understanding what is in your power to control. And in this episode, I've spent quite a bit of time outlining what is not in your control.
But there is so much that is in your control. Namely, your own mind, your emotions, and the way you show up as a mom. Understanding how you can step into this power is exactly what I teach in my one-on-one coaching program.
Look, breaking free of the illusion of control isn't as simple as deciding to stop worrying or suddenly to feel at peace with the uncertainty. This Mindset Trap is deeply ingrained for many of us, especially us moms. And so it's been shaping how we think, feel, and parent for many, many years.
But just because this pattern feels automatic doesn't mean it has to stay that way. Imagine being able to wake up every day without this mental checklist of what you need to follow up with for your teen. Imagine feeling lighter in your relationship with them, not feeling the tension of trying to steer them, but instead being able to be fully present to love them for exactly who they are.
Imagine not needing them to change to know that they love you and that they will always need you to be their mom. And maybe that's enough. My friend, you can step out of this exhausting cycle of managing, fixing, and second-guessing. And I teach you how to do this, step by step, in Mom 2.0. So Mom 2.0 is my 10-week, 1:1 coaching program that’s designed specifically for us moms of teens navigating the road to the empty nest. This isn’t just about letting go, it’s about opening yourself up to a new relationship with your child and yourself.
In Mom 2.0, I walk you through a step-by-step process to help you recognize when you’re falling into mindset traps and how to break free from these habits and patterns of thinking that keep you stuck in anxiety, guilt, or self-doubt. The result of this is feeling more connected to your teen and more confident in your role as a mom – even WITHOUT holding on to control.
This isn’t about forcing yourself to “let go”. It’s about understanding what’s keeping you from feeling free in the first place. It’s about rewiring the way you think and experience this transition, so you’re no longer stuck in emotional loops that make you feel powerless.
And if this is resonating with you—if you’re realizing how much energy you’ve been spending trying to hold on, and how different it might feel to truly trust yourself in this next season—then I would love to talk. I offer a free call where we can explore what’s coming up for you and whether Mom 2.0 is the right next step. You can schedule a time on my website, or simply by emailing me a [email protected]. No pressure, just a conversation about where you are and where you want to be.
Because this transition isn’t just about your child growing into who they are meant to be. It’s about you growing into who you are meant to be, too.
And I would love to help you navigate that journey—step by step.
Until next time, my friends.
If you enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review and check out our coaching program, Mom 2.0 at www.thesmalljar.com. You have more power than you think, my friend.
