CAN'T WAIT FOR THE EMPTY NEST?
Welcome to the Small Jar Podcast, where we moms of teens find the power to step off the emotional rollercoaster between motherhood and the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins. Episode number 146.
Hello, my friends. It's still winter here in New Jersey as I'm recording this episode, but this past weekend, we had one of those rare warm winter days. I went outside and I felt the warm sun on my face and it was just heaven.
Before I knew it, I was down on my knees cleaning out my beds in my garden. And my beds are kind of a mess, if I'm honest. Last year, I was recovering from bunion surgery, so I really didn't get a chance to do anything in my garden until later in the summer.
And then the spring and the summer before, I was caught up in my oldest son graduating and also juggling my coaching business and a lot of other priorities, so it felt like a lot already. I didn't have the mental or emotional energy to make space for all of the things that truly bring me joy. Or at least, I definitely didn't have time to garden.
But I love taking charge of my garden. I love planting colorful annuals. I love filling the planter boxes outside of my front door and around my patio.
I love edging the beds and making that clean distinction between the grass and the dirt. And you might think I'm crazy, but I love to mulch. I love the physical labor of it.
Mostly, I love the way my garden looks when everything is freshly mulched. I love it. I get this deep sense of pride and a thrill of accomplishment walking through my garden and seeing what I've created.
It feels so much like how I feel about being a mom on my good days. Gardening is actually such a perfect metaphor for motherhood, if you wouldn't be exhausting. You get scratched by thorns.
You get dirty. The job is honestly never done because the moment you pull a weed, a new one is just under the dirt waiting to spring out. But you come back to it again and again because the effort is so worth it.
Motherhood is this times a million. As I was mulching this weekend and thinking about the reasons why I haven't really done any gardening over the past two years, I made a mental commitment to get back to this hobby this spring. But also, I noticed that it's very likely that I'm going to have a lot more time to do this in the future.
Just like the seasons, my life is shifting. My son is graduating. My schedule won't be governed by a school calendar in the same way anymore.
I'm not going to have wrestling matches to watch or my son's musical performances to attend. I'm not going to be worried about whether or not my son will be home, if I should be making him dinner. I'll also be much less laundry.
I won't be waking up in the middle of the night double-checking that my son got home all right. But for now, I'm still in this liminal space, this transitional point between motherhood and the empty nest. And you know, this transition lasts a really long time.
It's not just that moment when your baby goes to college. It actually starts in high school, maybe even before in middle school, when you start to realize you need to let go of more and more at every stage. Then after your last one leaves home, it's not like you're in the empty nest and that's it.
They still come home. You still worry about them. This motherhood gig never ends.
Some of us want to hold on to this role, dreading the empty nest, feeling hurt as our kids pull away, or just feeling this pull of responsibility to stay involved and play an active role in supporting our kids, whether they're struggling or thriving. And I imagine every single one of us feels some pull in this direction, still knowing that this role is important and meaningful, and wanting to do our best as a mom. But there are others of us, and this could actually be a pull for all of us in different ways.
But there are parts of us where we can't wait for the stress of it, the obligation of motherhood to be over. Whether it's an eagerness to let go of the stress or just excitement about what comes next, there are some of us who can't wait for the empty nest. And my friends, as much as I absolutely love my son, and I'm going to be heartbroken when he leaves, I also can't wait.
On this podcast, I focus a lot on the challenges of raising teens and the transition to the empty nest, how hard it can be to let go, how overwhelming it feels to redefine yourself after years of motherhood. But I heard from a listener who asked if I might spend an episode on this topic, and I realized that in the past I haven't spent enough time addressing this specific question of what happens when we can't wait for the empty nest. This is such a perfect example of how emotionally complex this time of our lives is, because we can feel both heartbroken and excited at the same time.
These bittersweet feelings make so much sense, but they're disconcerting. It's like you don't know how to find stability in one emotion or the other. But your emotional experience is also rarely binary.
At any given moment, you could be feeling a range of emotions, excited and proud, and also sad, hurt, guilty, resentful, disappointed. There are so many layers to our emotional experience, and it's uncomfortable when you don't understand these layers for yourself. It's particularly hard when we blame our life, or worse, our kids, for our emotional experience.
And while you might hear me say that and be thinking, well, I don't blame my kids for how I feel, the truth is, we all do. In different ways, we all blame the circumstances of our life for how we feel. That if something were just a little bit different, then I'd get to feel better.
Maybe that's not blame, but it's definitely delegating responsibility for things outside of our control. So today, I want to dive into this topic of why some of us can't wait for the empty nest, what that mindset is all about. But I also want to approach it with this question in mind.
What is it about the empty nest, or about some future moment, that we think will be better? And what's stopping us from creating that right now? One of the most fascinating things I've noticed when I coach my clients is just how differently we all experience this transitional period. Some of us have incredibly close, beautiful relationships with our teens, and so the idea of them leaving home can feel like a loss, even grief. But others of us are ready for that space.
The empty nest can feel like the light at the end of a tunnel, an opportunity to focus on ourselves again after being everything for everyone else for so long. I also think a lot of us can feel like we have one foot in both worlds, one foot in the empty nest and one foot in motherhood. It's what I call the empty nest straddle.
If you have multiple kids, this transition, this empty nest straddle, can last for years. For me, I've been in it since my oldest was a junior in high school, at least, and that was six years ago. And I've still got one foot in and one foot out.
For some of you with more than two kids, this phase might last a lot longer. That's a long time to be in transition, to be managing constantly shifting circumstances, whether it's the logistics of where your kids are living, the changes in your relationships with them, or even just what's happening in your life and how they're growing up, how they're managing the stress of their life, and then how you're managing the stress of your life, your career, your aging parents, hormones, and friendships. So whether you're feeling excited about what's next or desperately trying to slow it all down, this is the question I want you to ask yourself as you listen today.
Why am I waiting to feel better? What is it that I'm waiting for that I think will make me feel better when it happens? There have been times in my life when I've found myself coping with the stress of my life by relying on things outside of myself to bring me a little relief and temporary joy. Wine, chocolate, online shopping. Some women will tell me they scroll on social media or watch TV.
Other times we can escape with things that are actually productive, like cleaning or exercising. There isn't anything wrong with any of these things, even drinking a glass of wine. At the end of the day, it isn't a problem unless you start to face consequences.
So it's not about these activities being wrong, but what I've learned is that there are times when we do these things, sometimes to excess, but more often as a regular habit, where what's really happening is that we're trying to escape something, trying to feel less of one emotion and more of another, wanting to feel less stress and more peace, less boredom and a little more joy. But the thing is, if you rely on these things outside of yourself to feel what you really want to feel, you become dependent on those things to feel better. And again, there's nothing wrong with exercise or chocolate or even wine.
If these things bring you joy, go for it. I certainly do. The point here is more that these things can become one more way we delay feeling better, because we use these things to cover up or create a buffer between ourselves and what's really going on for us.
But these short-term solutions don't actually solve what's really creating our pain. And so again, we wait to feel better. Have you ever said to yourself, once this thing happens, once things settle down, then I'll feel better.
We put ourselves in a position to feel like we have to wait, that based on the circumstances in front of us, feeling better isn't available to us right now. But the problem is, there's always going to be another transition, another phase, another challenge. So if we're always waiting for life to change before we allow ourselves to be happy, we'll honestly be waiting forever.
Okay, so let's dive into why some of us are genuinely excited about the empty nest and what's driving that mindset. And I want to be clear up front, there is no right or wrong way to feel about any of the parts of this transition. But I do want to take a moment to explore why some of us look ahead to the empty nest with excitement because our mindset, our thoughts about this transition has everything to do with how we experience it.
So the first reason some of us can't wait for the empty nest is that parenting teens is hard. Let's be honest, raising teens can be exhausting. I sometimes think of it like playing whack-a-mole.
You're always standing there, poised, ready to react to danger, situations that pop up, your teen's actions triggering you, some interaction where they're grumpy or sad, some missed assignment or poor test grade, a breakup, an issue with a friend. It's like you're always on alert with them. And that is emotionally exhausting.
Then add to that the sleepless nights we stay up waiting for them or worrying about them. This stage of motherhood can also be physically exhausting. So we're constantly feeling this push and pull of giving our kids independence while still trying to guide them.
And because there are honestly no perfect or clearly right answers or ways to approach raising and supporting our kids, we also find ourselves constantly trying to navigate choices, thinking about how to respond to our kids' emotional ups and downs, wondering how best to support them, trying to talk ourselves down when we get the attitude or the eye rolls, navigating what boundaries to set. There has probably never been a job in my life where I have felt less consistently confident. You would think after 20 years we'd feel some degree of mastery in this role.
But the circumstances, our kids' needs, and even who they are, these things are constantly changing. And so we're left with this constant hum of worry. How can we support their safety, happiness, and success based on who they are right now in this minute? The answers are not easy.
And again, the thought of them having to figure out some of this on their own can feel like we're getting released from having to face this worry on a day-to-day basis. We all realize that this mom role doesn't end when our kids leave. It's not like we're going to stop caring or stop worrying about them.
But the truth is, when our kids leave, there is a bit of relief from the day-to-day stress of interacting with them and stressing about them. For some of us, the idea of a quieter house and fewer daily demands feels like heaven. It's not like we don't love our kids, but it can feel like we're ready for a break, really ready to not have to be strapped into that emotional roller coaster.
So as I go through these reasons why some of us can't wait for the empty nest, I want to pose a few questions that I'll get back to at the end. And the first is, so why would we wait until our kids leave to learn how to step off that emotional roller coaster of raising them? Okay, so now on to the second reason some of us can't wait for the empty nest. Number two, we are ready to focus on ourselves again.
For decades, your life has revolved around your kids. Do you even remember a time when you didn't have this responsibility? I remember visiting my brother and sister-in-law way back when my husband and I were still dating. They had just had twins.
I was totally overwhelmed holding these babies. And I remember my brother-in-law making a comment about how he didn't even remember how he had spent his time before he had these kids. It's kind of true when you think about it.
When my husband and I were first married, we would sleep in. We would go to brunch and spend an hour wandering around Home Depot. We'd go out on this boat.
The biggest decision we had to make was what to do about dinner that night. We had this luxury of time that we didn't necessarily feel like we had to fill. And we only had to be responsible for ourselves.
Before we had kids, we had the luxury of making decisions just for us. If we worked, where we worked, how we spent our time, how we pursued our dreams and our hobbies. All of these decisions were only about us.
I wonder also if sometimes because we were young, we didn't think we were supposed to be further along or somewhere different. If we started a new job, we didn't think we were supposed to know what we were doing right away. We gave ourselves so much more grace back then.
But many of us moms have put our own dreams and needs on hold, or at least on the back burner, for a really long time. For the first time in decades, we're looking ahead and realizing that our time is about to be our own again. That can either be terrifying or exciting.
Or honestly, it can be a mix of both. Remember, our emotional experience is rarely black and white. But for those of us who are more excited than fearful, we could be thinking about having time to travel, or picking up a new hobby, or getting back to one that we used to pursue.
Maybe we want to spend more time taking care of ourselves. Maybe we're ready for a change in jobs or even a new career. I've coached women who are starting new businesses or nonprofit ventures.
Some of us have really big dreams and are ready to have the time and space to pursue them again. For some of us, this blank open page in front of us can feel overwhelming. But for others of us, it's really exciting.
We can't wait. So no matter which camp you're in right now, fearful or full of excitement, I want to invite you to consider, why would you wait for the empty nest to give yourself permission to start dreaming or pursuing your dreams right now? Really think about what these questions mean for you in the context of your life. Okay, on to reason three.
Some of us can't wait for the empty nest because it marks the achievement of a major accomplishment in our life. Raising our kids has literally been our life's work. Helping them launch and becoming independent has been our main focus for a really long time.
And so now that we're nearing this final stage, we can feel ready to feel the pride and honestly the relief of getting to the finish line. I honestly feel that way about my son's college process. We're waiting for the dreaded April 1st notification deadline.
There is really nothing I can do other than offer my moral support, which only gets my son so far. But I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to knowing where my son is going to school. I've even joked with my friends that I can't wait to never have to help someone get into college again.
It's stressful and exhausting. And here's the even more interesting part. Nothing about the college process or my son's graduation or where he's going to end up in September has anything to do with me.
I don't get to experience my son's emotions about any of that. But I experience mine. I can't wait for him to be excited about his next steps.
I can't wait to feel the pride of seeing his big smile as he graduates. That's the emotion I feel. My pride.
My excitement for him. And I know I will feel like this is a major accomplishment. And we're almost there.
But I remind myself that the pride I feel for my son and his accomplishments, I don't have to wait to feel this. No matter what the outcome of the college process, I can already feel such deep appreciation for who my son is, but also how I've shown up as a mom. I did it.
I wasn't perfect, but I'm so deeply proud of myself for always trying my best. My friend, how are you delaying feeling proud of yourself? Of appreciating yourself as a mom until something happens with your big kid. Okay, now on to reason four.
Some of us can't wait for the freedom and spontaneity of the empty nest. Think about how structured your life has been for the past 18 plus years. The school calendar has dictated your schedule.
You've been on deck in the afternoons and evenings for emotional support and practices and performances and carpools. Once your kid starts to drive, some of that obligation tapers off. But we can still find ourselves organizing our lives just to be sure we're there if they need us.
Certainly making dinner when they need it, not going away for the weekend because we don't want to leave our kid home alone. Even when they're old enough to be left, we might not quite be ready to trust them alone in the house. We've all seen those movies.
Or we could just not want to put them in the position of having to be alone as a young person. No matter how you've supported your teens over these years, this next chapter can feel like you get to go back to a simpler, more flexible and open way of living. Think about the beauty and freedom of being able to make plans to travel without having to look at the school calendar or worrying about what your kid will do.
Or making plans for the weekend without worrying that it might be the night your teen stays home and you don't want to abandon them. Maybe it's even the weeknight yoga class or pickleball game that you get to go to, but you would never do that now because you're worried about your kid at home needing dinner. For some of us, the freedom to do what we want in the empty nest is so exciting.
But again, I want to ask, what is really holding us back from making these plans now? So the last reason I want to touch on is that some of us are excited for the empty nest because we believe the relationship we have with our teen will be better once they leave. Sometimes it can feel like our kids are even more ready to leave than we're ready to have them go. These years when our kids try to really pull away hard can feel so stressful.
We might get in constant arguments or feel like everything's a fight. Moms have told me they feel like they're walking on eggshells when they come home. These moms have often come to terms with their kids' independence and they're like, I get it.
You're going to do things on your own and I can't stop you. You can almost feel resigned to this powerlessness. But even still, you can feel like you're doing a lot of accepting behavior that you don't love and you can't help but wish that you get a little credit for that.
You might hope that once your kid leaves, they might appreciate you a bit more or at least minimize the reason for the argument. Maybe the space will be the thing that finally brings you closer. And this can definitely be true.
When our kids are under our roof, there's this constant pull and push of rules and responsibilities and expectations. We're still parenting, but it's complicated because the person we're parenting is often thinking that they're an independent adult and we don't necessarily see them that way yet. But once they leave, that dynamic can shift.
Maybe it's because you don't have to deal with the daily power struggle. Or maybe it's because when you do talk when they're away, it feels like there's the possibility of more connection in those conversations. It's definitely possible that your relationship will improve and that they'll appreciate you more once they're out in the real world without you having to support them every minute.
But again, let me ask you to consider why we wait to create this strong, connected relationship with our kids until they leave. What's stopping us from making it better right now? So there might be some of you listening thinking, I wish I was excited about the empty nest. Or maybe more, I wish I didn't feel this sense of heaviness and dread about this next stage.
But my friends, the grass isn't always greener. Because although some of us might look ahead to the empty nest with more excitement than fear or dread, at the same time we can also find ourselves stuck in mindset traps that keep us in this state of waiting to feel better, waiting to finally relax and let go of the stress, or just waiting to start focusing on ourselves again. So today I want to share a few of these thoughts that create obstacles that keep us from fully embracing where we are right now in this minute.
The first is the thought, I just need to get through this. We set ourselves up for the belief that relief is something that's out there waiting for us once our circumstances change. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, my friend, but there will always be a new set of circumstances that become the next excuse for you to put off feeling better.
If you don't learn how to create peace in the middle of chaos, then you'll always find another reason to feel overwhelmed. Could you imagine the impact of being in this moment now with your teen, even if it's hard, but not feeling like relief is only available for you at some date in the distant future? The second thought that can become an obstacle is, I can't wait to focus on me again. It sounds fantastic actually, finally reclaiming your time and pursuing your own goals for a change, but why wait until the empty nest to start living for yourself again? Many of us have spent so long prioritizing our kids that we don't even remember what we want anymore.
But you don't have to wait for the empty nest to start prioritizing yourself again. The only thing stopping you is simply giving yourself permission to believe that it's possible, that you don't have to wait. This third thought is sneaky and it relates to a mindset trap I explored in a past episode, the comparison trap.
And this thought is, I feel bad that I'm feeling this excited. So crazy that even when we feel excited about the empty nest, we can also feel guilty about that. We might feel bad for looking forward to the next stage, especially if we see other moms struggling.
We might even start judging ourself or our experience. Is it because I have a difficult relationship with my kid that I feel this way? Maybe if my relationship was better, I would be having a harder time and that would somehow would be a good thing. Maybe you judge yourself for being selfish.
Whatever these sometimes subtle underlying thoughts are, they can keep you from fully embracing your own experience. Look, your experience is your own. And I guarantee you, whatever you're feeling or experiencing, you are not alone in this.
Feeling happy about your next chapter doesn't take anything away from the love you have for your kid or the incredible investment of time and dedication you've put into the role of being a mom. You get to give yourself permission to be excited for this next chapter. Loving your kids and looking forward to your own future are not mutually exclusive, my friend.
So the last thought that can become an obstacle is this, that my relationship with my kid will be better once they leave. Look, I get it. As I mentioned before, there are so many reasons why the stage can be hard.
Our relationship with our kids doesn't always feel great. But if we're waiting for them to leave to have a better relationship, we're giving up our power to create that connection now. Here's what I know.
You can't control how your kid shows up to the relationship they have with you, but you can control how you show up for your child. And I have no doubt that you've been trying your absolute best. We always are.
But sometimes that looks like trying our best from a place of hurt, a need for validation, or from frustration and resentment and anger. It's like we try to repair and build our relationship from this negative energy, and it just doesn't work. But what I've found both in my own personal experience and from countless conversations with clients is that when we show up from unconditional love, peace, and confidence, we always show up as the mom we want to be.
This is how you start healing your experience of your relationship with your kids right now. And you don't have to wait. No matter which of these thoughts or experiences resonate with you, the bottom line is, why wait to feel better? You don't have to wait to feel at peace and excited.
You don't have to wait to let go of frustration and hurt. Why would we wait until our kids leave to hope for a better relationship with them if we could change it now? At the end of the day, all that we have is this present moment. This right now is the moment you have.
Why would you wish it away? For sure, this transition involves a lot of changes. But the way we experience this transition is all about how we think about it, and not at all about where our kids are physically located. So my friend, what if you stopped waiting? What if you started making space for excitement, confidence, peace, and connection right now, before your kids even get ready to pack their bags? If you keep telling yourself you'll feel better when, at some future time, whether that's when the kids leave or when some other thing happens, you will always be finding another reason to put your happiness and peace on hold.
You don't have to wait for circumstances to change to start feeling the way you want to feel. And you definitely don't have to figure this out on your own. This is exactly why I created my coaching program.
Mom 2.0 is a one-on-one program designed specifically for moms who are ready to stop waiting and truly start embracing this chapter of our lives, wherever you are in this transition. Over the course of 10 weeks, I teach you how to step off the emotional roller coaster of launching your team so you can feel more at peace right now, not wait till they leave. Over the course of 10 weeks, I teach you how to step off the emotional roller coaster of launching your team so you can feel more peace right now, not after they leave.
You don't have to wait for your life to change or settle down before you start focusing on yourself again either. This program isn't just about surviving this transition to the empty nest. It's about becoming the woman you want to be in this chapter of your life that is always changing.
And listen, I get it. Investing in yourself can feel like a big step. But let me ask you this.
What is the cost of waiting? If nothing changes, where will you be six months from now? Still waiting for your kid to leave so that you can have a better relationship? Still feeling hurt and frustrated? Still feeling guilty? Still holding back on pursuing your dreams and prioritizing yourself? The alternative is you can look back at this moment and realize this was the moment you started choosing yourself again. I promise you everything you want is available to you right now. You don't have to wait for your kids to leave.
You don't have to wait for life to get better. You just have to decide that you are worth making a decision for right now. So if you're ready to stop waiting, I invite you to book a call with me. Let’s talk about where you are now, where you want to be, and how I can help you get there.
Just go to www.thesmalljar.com/call to schedule with me. And don’t wait. Because your life isn’t starting later. It’s happening right now.
My friend, I want to thank you for listening to this episode of The Small Jar Podcast. If this podcast resonates with you, I invite you to share it with a friend or leave a review—it helps other moms like you find this work so that we can empower ourselves to thrive in this chapter of our lives.
Until next time, friends.
If you enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review and check out our coaching program, Mom 2.0 at www.thesmalljar.com. You have more power than you think, my friend.
