THE GUILT THAT WON’T LET GO: WHY YOU THINK IT’S YOUR FAULT
Welcome to the Small Jar Podcast, where we moms of teens find the power to step off the emotional rollercoaster between motherhood and the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins. Episode number 149.
Hello, friends. Welcome back to the Small Jar Podcast. I am so glad you're here as we continue our journey through the Mindset Trap series, where I'm exploring hidden patterns of thinking that make raising and launching our kids feel way harder than it has to be.
Today, I want to explore a Mindset Trap that you may have never heard of by name, but I guarantee you know exactly what this feels like. This is the trap of personalization. You won't find it in most parenting books, and it's not one of the Mindset Traps that you so often hear by name.
But the experience of this trap is so familiar to us. It's that sinking feeling when your teen's in a bad mood and you wonder if you did something wrong. It's the guilt you feel when something goes wrong with your kid or if they're struggling.
You question whether you should have done something more or done things differently. This trap makes you replay conversations in your head in the middle of the night. It makes you second guess your decisions and feel responsible for things that may have nothing to do with you at all.
When this happens, you don't think of it by the name of personalization, but I'm sure you've experienced this. I know I have. Now, if you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you might remember that I've talked about this trap before a while back.
When I recorded that past episode, I covered personalization through the lens of something I think all of us moms know very well, and that is mom guilt. I think this is actually something we discover the moment our kids are born, maybe even when they're conceived. This feeling that we're not getting it right or we're not doing enough or not doing the right thing.
We're constantly questioning ourselves. At the time I recorded that episode, I was really focused on how personalization leads us to feel guilty, to blame ourselves when things don't go the way we hope with our kids. But since then, after having the opportunity to coach so many incredible women, I've come to realize that mom guilt is just one small piece of the puzzle when it comes to this mindset trap.
Personalization is actually so much bigger than guilt. It's about the way we make other people's actions, especially our kids' actions, about us. But you know, we can do this in any relationship we have.
So today, I want to take a deeper look at this trap, not just through the lens of guilt, but through all of the different ways it shows up in our lives. We'll talk about how our brains get stuck in this pattern, how it impacts our relationships, and most importantly, how to step out of this trap so that you can experience more peace, freedom, and connection, which is really what we want to have with our kids. But what you might not know is that when we stop personalizing everything, and I'll talk much more about what that actually means, but when we do this, we don't just feel better, we actually show up in a much more powerful way in our role as moms.
We're more present, we're more patient, and we open the door to so much more connection with our kids. I remember so clearly a moment in my relationship with my oldest son. I was at the end of my rope.
I felt frustrated and hurt and sad, you name it, I was going through it. There was so much about what was happening in his life and between us that I didn't want. I had tried everything I could think of to fix it.
We had had a particularly hard conversation, and I actually heard these words come out of my mouth. I said, after everything I have done for you. I don't know if you've ever felt this way, this utter frustration with where you are in your relationship with your kid.
This is the last place you'd ever want to be, could ever have imagined this is where you'd end up. Truly, we spend every ounce of our hearts and souls raising these kids. Can we really be blamed for hoping, maybe wishing, desperately that it will all turn out okay? There are also so many times I've second-guessed my decisions, thinking I should have done something different when the sum of my past choices leads my boys or me to places I don't want.
I've felt guilty, I've felt responsible, I've felt hurt. And I know that I'm not alone because I have coached so many women who have felt all of this and more in different ways, in different situations, with their kids of all ages. It's painful, my friends.
So I hope with this series I can give you some hope that you don't have to stay stuck in this pain. When I let go of this mindset trap in particular, this is one where my relationship with my son improved almost immediately. And I'll share why.
So let me start by sharing how personalization relates to the other mindset traps we've explored so far in this series. If you've been following along, you've heard how these mindset traps are really habitual patterns of thinking that can distort our perception of reality and keep us stuck. Each of these traps has a slightly different way of shaping how we experience life as a mom.
But they all stem from the way our brains try to make sense of uncertainty, discomfort, and change. Which, of course, seems to be an inevitable part of raising and launching our kids. So far I've covered emotional reasoning, all-or-nothing thinking, the comparison trap, the illusion of control, and perfectionism.
And while all these mindset traps focus on how we see or interpret the world around us, personalization is different in that it centers on how we see ourselves as the cause of what's happening, especially when things go wrong. It's less about how we perceive the world and more about how we assign blame or responsibility to ourselves within that world. So what's interesting is that the first five mindset traps I've covered all set the stage for personalization.
Think about it. If we believe our emotions define reality, as in emotional reasoning, and we see things in black or white, all-or-nothing thinking, then we compare ourselves and our kids to other people, the comparison trap. Then we think we should be able to control everything, the illusion of control, and feel like we have to get it all right to be a good mom, perfectionism.
Then it makes perfect sense that we would start making everything about us. And just remember, my friend, this is never a judgment. These mindset traps are not in any way a sign that there is something wrong with you.
They are simply a result of how our brains are wired. In fact, how our brains are working exactly as they're meant to work. And when you really understand this aspect of mindset traps, it becomes so much easier to break free of them.
So you can think of personalization as the culmination of these other traps because it causes us to feel responsible for things that aren't in our control. To believe that it's true that we should feel guilty, even if what's happening isn't our fault. That if our kids are struggling or acting out in any way, that it's either our fault or even against us.
That they're doing it to us, making us feel a certain way. Personalization is what happens when we internalize all of these other mindset traps as proof that we aren't doing enough, or we aren't good enough, or that we should be better, that we need to fix something to feel better. Sometimes we're aware of this, but more often we're not.
We don't even realize how much pressure we're putting on ourselves to get this parenting thing right. And so we take it personally when we don't see evidence of this. This is a big one, my friends, because when we personalize everything, we create unnecessary pain for ourselves.
We take on more responsibility than is actually ours to take. We feel guilt that we don't deserve to feel. And then we can also find ourselves needing to over-apologize or over-compensate to try to fix things that aren't our fault to begin with.
Ultimately, this makes us feel powerless. So if you've ever felt responsible for your child's happiness, if you've ever taken their distance or bad mood personally, if you've ever thought, if I'd only done something differently, this wouldn't have happened, then know this, you are not alone. And even more importantly, this is something you can unlearn.
So let's look at how this actually plays out in our lives as moms. And let me say this, most of the time we don't even consciously realize we're falling into this trap. Unlike catastrophizing or even perfectionism, where we might have some self-awareness about what's happening, with personalization it can just feel like we're reacting to what's happening with our kids.
It feels like we're being a good mom and trying our best. And this is exactly why this mindset trap in particular is so easy to fall into. We love our kids more than anything.
We've spent years being responsible for them, making sure they are safe, happy, and on the right path. When something feels off, when our child is struggling, when they're upset, or they act out or pull away, of course we're going to try to find an answer to this. Our minds are naturally going to go to questions like, why is this happening? Did I do something wrong? Or what did I do to deserve this? Maybe I should have handled this differently.
Look, it makes sense, because if we can figure out what went wrong, maybe we can fix it. So let's look at a few specific situations as examples of how this shows up for us. Let's start with when your kid is in a bad mood.
So your teen comes home from school, they barely say hello, maybe they give you a look that makes it clear they don't want to talk to you at all, and then they shut themselves up in their room. What can happen too is that this often doesn't just happen that one time, it becomes a pattern. Every day they're coming home, giving you the stink eye, not saying much.
It's hard not to take this personally. Your brain starts thinking, are they mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Or even why is it that they don't seem to like me anymore, that they want nothing to do with me? You feel hurt, maybe angry, over time maybe even resentful. And maybe you don't even realize you're doing it, but you feel different about your kid.
You can feel like you're walking on eggshells with them, gauging their moods. You feel like you have to prepare yourself for conversations because you don't want to make things worse. You do whatever you can think to make it better.
But you can't help but think that their behavior is directed to or about you, or even somehow your fault, that you should be able to fix or prevent this. Here's another example. Let's talk about when your teen or adult kid is struggling.
Look, when our kids are having a hard time, whether it's with school or friends or just figuring out who they are, it's so easy to start looking for where we went wrong. Your brain goes to should-haves like, I should have made them study more, I should have been stricter, I should have pushed them to do more activities when they were younger so they'd have more friends, I should have been better at modeling some different behavior so they wouldn't turn out like me. My friends, I have heard other moms say all of these should-haves and so many more.
It's so easy to believe that if we had done something differently, things wouldn't be this way. And that thought is so painful because deep down, we want to believe that we have some control, that there's something we could have done or could still do to fix things. And then there's the example of when your teen just pulls away from you or even pushes back.
This could be one of the hardest ones. I talked before about how our kids can be in bad moods, but when this goes on for a really long time, it's hard not to spiral into worst-case scenarios or all-or-nothing thinking. You start to worry that the relationship you have with them is broken.
You don't just think their behavior is directed at you, you know it is. And so your frustration and your hurt only deepens. It starts to impact how you show up to that relationship, and it's painful.
Intellectually, we might know or suspect that our kids pulling away is just part of them growing up, but it doesn't change that feeling of hurt when you think, I must have done something wrong to push them away. Or even worse, have I lost them? Is this it? Have I lost my chance to have a close relationship with my kid? This can feel even more painful in that final year or two before your kid leaves home because you feel like you're running out of time with them, and this isn't how you wanted it to go. We don't want to feel disconnected, so we try harder.
We ask more questions or even try to force conversations. It can feel like the more we try, the more they seem to pull away, and all of this feels terrible. On the other hand, sometimes we see our kids struggle and we feel a sense of responsibility that we have to fix it.
There's no doubt that it's hard to see your kid struggle or make choices that we don't agree with. We've been the go-to fix-it person for a really long time, and we felt like it's our job to help them stay on the right path. And so, of course, when there's a problem, we go into problem-solving mode.
It's what we do as moms, right? So we give them advice. We tell them what they should be doing. Maybe we try to do our own research or do our own work to solve the problem for them.
We just want to fix it so we can take away their pain or their possible future pain. But let's face it, we also want to take away our pain in seeing them go down the wrong path. But more often than not, despite our best efforts, we can't fix or change what's going on with our kids anymore.
Either they won't let us or they won't listen to us, or these are just problems that aren't as simple to fix with a quick phone call or a big hug. This is especially true when our kids struggle emotionally. God, it is so hard to see your kids in pain, and you can't help but think, what if I didn't prepare them enough? Maybe I didn't raise them to be resilient enough.
I should have taught them better coping skills. Or maybe, why is it that they're going against the values I've instilled in them? It's as if their hard moments and struggles are a reflection of how well we've parented them. As I say all of this, it sounds so obvious that this is how we react to these situations.
It's like it's somehow just a part of being a mom. Like mom guilt. It's like a state of mind that we signed up for.
We've been taking responsibility for so long. Of course this is personal for us. It's also easy to think, well, this is just how I am.
This is just what moms do. But what if that's not true? What if this tendency to personalize isn't actually who you are, but just a habit your brain has learned? Because that's exactly what's happening here. Personalization is simply a mindset trap.
And this trap, like the others I've explored in this series, is created by your brain's natural instinct to keep you safe, comfortable, and conserving energy. These natural instincts are part of our biological system that's designed to keep us alive, to stay away from predators, to find food and warmth, and not waste energy on things that aren't essential for our survival. Now this helped us back when we were cavewomen.
But these same instincts still impact how we react to our lives today. This is still how our brains are wired. But now the threats to our safety aren't predators.
They're things like uncertainty, emotional discomfort, and fear of failure. So let's look at how the motivational triad, this instinct to stay safe, comfortable, and conserve energy, leads us to personalize. Let's start with avoiding pain.
As moms, one of the hardest things we experience is seeing our kids struggle. It doesn't matter if it's something big or small. When they're hurting, we hurt.
So because our brain is wired to avoid pain, it's going to try to figure out how to fix the pain we're feeling. It's really that simple. If our brains can figure out the reason we're in pain, then maybe we can fix it.
And let's be honest, in some ways it actually feels better to blame ourselves than to accept that we don't have any control. If my kid's struggling because of something I did, then at least there's an answer. There's something I can do.
It helps me feel a little less powerless. So let's now talk about seeking comfort. Look, at our core, we all just want to feel good.
We want to feel at peace. We want reassurance. We want to know everything is okay.
And for us moms, this looks like making sure our kids are okay. So again, when they're upset or they're distant or acting out, we see a problem we need to fix to make them okay. Because if we can make them better, then we will feel better.
And my friend, this is truly at the heart of why we personalize and make our kids' moods and their actions about us. It's not because we're trying to control them. It's because we want to feel better.
The last part of the motivational triad is conserving energy. And this is an instinct that fuels habit creation. Our brains want to be efficient.
They don't want to have to analyze every situation or consider a million different possibilities. And so our brains simplify. And when we take things personally to avoid pain or to seek pleasure, our brain literally simplifies that task so it's automatic.
It becomes a habit, a mental shortcut. It's like a well-worn path in the woods. And the more you walk it, the more automatic it becomes.
So if personalization, like these other mindset traps, is just a habit, then how do you break free of it? The first step is awareness. And this is really the goal of this podcast series on mindset traps, to help you create space to take a step back and notice. Notice the ways your brain is automatically taking responsibility to help you build awareness around when you blame yourself or feel an urge to fix things that you don't have power to fix.
The second step is to see the cost of this trap. This isn't just about how we think or how our brains operate. Personalization affects how we feel and how we show up.
Clearly, this trap creates unnecessary stress and anxiety. Even when there's absolutely no real evidence to suggest that we're at fault or even responsible, our brains go there. And so we feel this constant undercurrent of stress.
This trap also impacts the relationship we have with our kids. When we notice something wrong and assume we must have done something wrong, or we start trying to fix it, or maybe we get defensive and angry because we don't think we did anything wrong, but now we feel like we're being punished for it. The result of all of that is that we unintentionally put pressure on our kids to be responsible for our emotions.
They can't just have a bad day without worrying about what we're going to think. They might also feel like they can't make decisions or act in a way that we don't agree with. This can actually make our kids pull away even more, not because they don't love us, but because they don't want to deal with the pressure of making us feel okay.
Imagine this, the last time you were in a bad mood. What if someone kept hounding you with questions like, are you okay? Are you sure? Did I do something? Would you find that helpful? Or would you honestly just want them to give you some space? When we personalize, it's really hard for us to give our kids that space, because their mood and their choices, their problems, become our problems. Finally, this mindset trap impacts our own emotional well-being, and really consider this one.
When we constantly take on responsibility for things that are not in our control, we don't just stress ourselves out, we rob ourselves of peace. It's like it's happening to us, or it's being caused by what's going on with our teens. But the truth is, it's us.
It's the way we're unconsciously looking at the situation. This constant self-blame and taking responsibility can also lead to resentment and disconnection, not just from our kids, but from ourselves. Because when all of our emotional energy is wrapped up in how our kid is doing or acting, our emotional well-being feels dependent on their emotions and struggles.
So I wonder if you're listening and you're seeing yourself in some of what I've shared today. For each of us, this could look different. Maybe even with each of our kids, this looks different.
This could be something we see ourselves doing in other relationships or other situations as well. Or it could just be about our kids. But the bottom line is that it isn't a sign that there's something wrong with you, but it does seem to be a universal part of being a mom.
Not just mom guilt, but the responsibility we feel because we care so much. There truly is a fine line between taking responsibility and blaming yourself. Constantly wondering if you've done enough, feeling desperate to fix it, or even that you have to take a step back or else you'll make things worse.
My friend, there is another way. When you start to break free of this mindset trap, even just a little bit, you start to feel something shift. It's subtle at first.
Maybe it's just a single moment when your child is upset and instead of taking it personally, you take a breath. You give them space. You let it be.
And suddenly you feel lighter. You don't feel so responsible. You don't feel like a bad mom.
You just feel present. That's the shift. And from that place, your relationship with your child starts to change.
Not because they've changed, but because you do. That's what's possible when you begin to break free of this mindset trap. More peace, more self-trust, more connection.
In my Mom 2.0 coaching program, I teach you how to break free of these traps so that you find the power to create this for yourself. Together we look at the thought patterns that are keeping you stuck in pain, not to judge them, but to understand them. And then I teach you a process to shift these thoughts so that you can show up to the experience of raising and launching your teen as the mom and the woman you want to be.
So if this resonates with you, if you're tired of carrying the weight of responsibility to change things that you don't have the power to change, I want to invite you to imagine what it would feel like to lay this responsibility down. Not all at once, not in a way that means you have to give up on your child, but instead in a way that sets you free. I mentioned before the challenge that I had with my son, and that moment when I said to him, after everything I have done for you, and I realized how much pressure I was putting on him to live up to my expectations of what I thought he should be doing and what I thought our relationship should look like, I was making his actions and his choices all about me.
And when I decided to open the door to allow him to have the experience of his life without making it about me, I started to see more clearly why he was making the choices he was making. I started to listen to him. I started to believe that his choices were not only not about me, but they certainly weren't at me.
I started to realize that if I truly love my son, that I don't need to make his life about me. That I get to support him and love him, even when he's going down a path that I don't agree with. Because the truth is, if he fails, I always get to be here to support him when and if he needs me.
By laying down that responsibility to fix and change my son, and allowing him to be who he needed to be, truly showing him unconditional love, I opened the door for him trusting me and opening himself up to me again in a way that has only benefited our relationship over time. Just imagine trusting yourself, my friend, letting go of second-guessing, not walking on eggshells, allowing yourself to just be you, loving your child, doing your best. That version of you is already inside of you, my friend.
She's just buried under years of worry and guilt and the pressure to get it right. Mom 2.0 is the space where you begin to uncover the mom you know you want to be. If this episode spoke to you, I'd love to help you take the next step.
As always, thank you for being here, my friend. I know that you are a mom who loves her child and is doing her best, even when it doesn't feel that way. Can you open your mind to the possibility that that is truly enough? Until next time.
If you enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review and check out our coaching program, Mom 2.0 at www.thesmalljar.com. You have more power than you think, my friend.
